


In All the Earth and Stars: Book 1

by Kyntha



Series: In All the Earth and Stars [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Budding Love, Comfort, Developing Friendships, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fencing, Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Narada Incident, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romantic Fluff, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2018-10-11 21:09:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 41,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10474467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyntha/pseuds/Kyntha
Summary: In the early weeks following the Narada Incident, Hikaru Sulu and the rest of the crew of theUUS Enterprisestruggle to come to terms with the loss of crew members, the loss of Vulcan, and their own personal trauma.  As he faces his PTSD, Hikaru finds friendship in an unlikely crew mate and a stranger and reconnects with a former friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> One day MsLuluSpock came to me and said “Let’s write a canon compliant BenKaru story about their relationship from the point they met until the end of _Beyond_.” We spent weeks talking about the plot, the timeline, and the characterizations. We drafted a very rough outline. And then as we began to write, it became apparent that one of us should write and the other should be a sounding board. I became the writer. She became so much more. The sounding board, the cheerleader, the idea generator, and the beta. MsLuluSpock is the gardener. I’m the soil the seeds have been planted in.
> 
> According to Doug Jung and Simon Pegg, Ben and Hikaru met while Hikaru was on shore leave. There is no mention of his occupation, Starfleet affiliation, origin, or other back story. We based Ben loosely on Doug Jung, who played Ben in _Beyond_ including giving Ben Doug's last name and occupation (a writer).
> 
> All ships, Starfleet personnel (with the exception of Hosato and Yoshiko Sulu and a couple very minor characters), plants, illnesses, and recreational activities are canon compliant.
> 
> Gene Roddenberry had visions of everyone regardless of race, culture, gender, economic/class status, or sexual orientation being equal by the 23rd century. In keeping, I believe he would not have appreciated labels such as gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, or even labels such as vegetarian, feminist, introvert, or womanizer. As much as possible we’ve tried not to label people and let the story and descriptions of characters speak for themselves.

The Starfleet assigned psychologist encouraged Hikaru to find something he found calming to help work through his frequent panic attacks immediately following the events of the _Narada_ and the destruction of Vulcan.

Without much thought, he turned turned to fencing, a sport he’d participated in since he was a child. The idea of the control and formality of fencing brought him a calm he hadn’t felt since returning to Earth and San Francisco a week ago. The ritual of donning the uniform, beginning with the socks, then the plastron, jacket, sleeve, breeches, shoes, gloves, and finally moments before stepping into the fighting area, mask felt automatic and soothing. He trusted each piece of the uniform and each movement needed to adjust it properly. 

Selecting his weapon was no less reassuring. Today he needed to feel the weight of his solid steel 21st century antique saber - a gift from his parents on his 18th birthday. It was heavier than the Starfleet issued retractable sword he’d carried with him during his space dive onto the Romulan drilling platform on Vulcan. Hikaru stretched one last time, making a couple easy thrusts at the edge of the ring, before facing his opponent.

" _Êtes-vous prêts?_ " Hikaru’s opponent, a former student by the name of Kera, asked.

" _Allez._ ” He responded.

Kera attacked first with a feint, followed quickly with a lunge Hikaru parried. He thrust, striking Kera and scoring the first point. As they returned to their starting marks, Kera raised her saber above her head in a stretching motion. Sweat broke out along his face under Hikaru’s mask and he began breathing in shallow gulps. Kera’s sword flashed in the lights of the gym as it moved toward him. His vision went black.

“Sulu? Sulu!” Kera kneeled over him, stripping off damp layers of uniform. He blinked at the lights overhead and tried to sit up. A firm hand pushed into his chest. “No, no. Not yet. Lie still for a moment. Let me get your breeches unbuckled.

He didn’t have to ask. He knew he’d collapsed from a panic attack. As Kera had moved toward him, he hadn’t seen her. He’d seen an oversized Romulan swinging a multi-bladed weapon down near his head while he watched another forcing Kirk off the platform. The Romulans had out-powered them in strength. Hikaru’s quick wit and Kirk’s reckless fearlessness had been the only thing that had saved them.

“Never thought you’d have a girl undo your trousers, now did you, Hikaru?” Kera chuckled softly, trying to lighten the mood. Once the breaches had been undone, she sat back on her heels to give him space.

Hikaru worked to steady his breathing, staring straight up at the ceiling. Embarrassment and frustration flooded through him. Was nothing sacred now? “Could I have some water? There’s a bottle in my bag.”

While Kera retrieved his bag, Hikaru worked his way into a sitting position. The water was still cold, and he sipped it slowly, not willing to meet Kera’s eyes. “Take your time, Sulu. We have the gym for two hours. No one will disturb you.” She murmured. She sensed his discomfort and rose. “I’ll change. You rest.”

An hour later, freshly showered and changed, the pair left the gym together. Kera seemed reluctant to leave him, but Hikaru insisted upon making his way home alone. He found himself wandering the city until it grew dark, but it did nothing to improve his mood. Once home, he ignored his mother’s pleas to join his parents for dinner. “Please, Hikaru.” Instead he slipped through the back door of their home to the one room guest house his parents allowed him to keep as a personal apartment. Inside, Hikaru poured himself several fingers of whiskey. Knowing sleep recently often brought nightmares, he ignored the bed in the corner, slumped onto the small couch, and waited until morning.

*****

The PADD on the small table chirped for the third time. Yoshiko Sulu bustled through the guest house, opening curtains and the door, pouring the remains of whiskey down the drain, and gathering dirty glasses from the table beside the couch. “Hikaru, answer your call.” She said. He blinked in the afternoon sun and burrowed even further into the chair where he attempted to remain as still as possible in the hopes his mother would leave him alone. “Hikaru Sulu, you haven’t left this house since yesterday morning. The least you can do is answer your call!” This time it was an order, and he knew better than to push his mother. 

He groaned before taking the PADD from her outstretched hand. “Sulu here.”

“Mr. Sulu. So good to see you’ve managed to find your way out of bed today.” Admiral Barnett said dryly, observing his rumpled clothes and hair.

Behind him, Hikaru heard his mother mutter “He hasn’t found his way to bed.” At his quick glance, she continued to mutter, but reverted to her native Japanese.

“Admiral Barnett, er, sir.” Sulu attempted to make himself more presentable. “How can I help you?”

“A memo will be sent out shortly to the entire crew of the Enterprise. I wanted to contact senior staff directly first. All crew of the _Enterprise_ is grounded on extended medical shore leave until further notice.” Barnett started.

A knot formed in Hikaru’s throat. The only thought keeping him going at this point was knowing in five days he’d be back on the bridge of a starship, preferably the Enterprise. His anger got the best of him. “You can’t do that to us, sir! I’m an astrophysicist and a pilot. I’m no good if I’m not in space. Put me back on the _Carolina_ if you must, sir, but I’ve got to get back out there.”

“Dammit, Lieutenant! I’ve got crew members totalling motorcycles, hell bent on drinking themselves to death, sequestering themselves in their rooms, and you...your panic attacks are so severe you passed out during fencing practice two days ago! I repeat: The crew of the _Enterprise_ is grounded on extended medical shore leave until further notice.” Barnett softened. “Mr. Sulu, you, along with many of your crew mates, have suffered serious trauma. Take advantage of your Starfleet assigned therapist and work through your PTSD. Captain Pike has assured me the _Enterprise_ will still be there if you choose.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Mr. Sulu, one final thing. See if you can talk Mr. Chekov out of his room.” Barnett asked. “He’s staying in Starfleet barracks 019-66.”

“Why me, sir? I barely know the kid.”

“Because you are the only senior officer of the Enterprise not missing, drunk, or in the medical center. I’m not opposed to sending a security team to break the door down and dragging the kid to the med center personally, but I thought you might be able to get through to him first.”

“Yes, sir.” Hikaru repeated. “Sulu out.” He jammed his finger against the disconnect button on his PADD. Hikaru didn’t like the idea of extended leave, but at the same time something that felt like relief washed over him. The spring that felt as though it were winding itself tighter and tighter inside him loosened, if only slightly. His stomach growled for the the first time in days.

“Up. Up, Hikaru. And stop biting your lip.” Mrs. Sulu chided. She seemed to sense the small break in his dour mood, and stood poised to take advantage of it. “Go take a shower. I’ll make hot noodles. And tonight, you’ll sleep in your bed, yes?” She did not wait for an answer as she turned down his bed and fluffed the pillows.


	2. Chapter 2

He sat at the table in his parents’ kitchen nursing a cup of tea and reading morning news on his PADD when his mother bustled through the door. The chronometer over the replicator told him it was nearly 1200 hours. “Ah, Hikaru. Sleep well?” She brushed a motherly hand across his shoulder as she walked past with a shopping bag.

He grimaced. “Nightmares again. And before you ask, I had a sandwich half hour ago.”

Yoshiko Sulu and her older son had the same quiet, determined demeanor. He developed his love of the stars from her, and he followed in her footsteps to earn his masters in astrophysics. His father Hosato could only delight in knowing Hikaru also developed his love of flying. Hosato frequently commented he wasn’t sure who would come out on top when Yoshiko and Hikaru butted heads. And they butted heads often, first on discipline in the formative years, and later on scientific theory. In the end, though, the mother son bond held strong. “Remind me never to piss both of you off at the same time,” Hosato would joke.

“And you’re dressed.” She teased lightly.

“I’m going to see Ensign Chekov shortly, then an appointment with Dr. Savel.”

“Do you think you can talk the boy out of his room?” She asked. 

Hikaru shrugged. “All I know is he saved my life, _Okaasan_. I should at least try.” He accepted her motherly kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be home late.”

*****

The door on room 66 went unanswered to repeated buzzing. Hikaru began pounding on it with his knuckles. It was only when he called out “Ensign, you’ve got a choice. Me or a security team. Open the door.” did Pavel Chekov answer in a pair of boxer shorts and a wrinkled black undershirt. He was gaunt and pale with his curly hair flat on one side and poking up at an odd angle on the other. The room beyond him was dark and stuffy as though it’d been shut up for weeks. Chekov stood silently at the open door. Hikaru pushed past him and into the room. “Lights 50%. Blinds up. Outside airflow 100%.”

“Mr. Sulu, you are not dead?” Chekov finally asked still standing in the doorway.

Sulu turned to look at Chekov. “Of course I’m not dead. You saved me.”

“Iz not dream?” He trembled a little where he stood, and Hikaru put a hand on his arm. “You fall and fall and fall in my dream.”

“It’s not a dream. I know it’s not a dream, because fall in mine too. Yet I’m standing here talking to you.” He whispered. The body under his hand crumpled a little, and Sulu continued. “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? Take a shower. Put some fresh clothes on.”

Chekov took enough time in the shower, Hikaru began to worry about him. While he waited, he made up the bed with fresh linens and gathered up dirty laundry from the floor. There were no signs of discarded food trays or water glasses, so he requested broth with noodles from the replicator. Sulu sat in a chair with his own glass of water when Pavel startled him. “Mr. Spock’s mother. I killed her.”

He stood in the doorway to the bathroom in a clean pair of boxers and a damp towel in his hand. Little rivulets of water ran down his cheek from his still wet curls. “I had lock on everyone. She...she just disappeared. I killed Mr. Spock’s _matushka_.”

Hikaru guided Chekov to the small table. “Listen, you did not kill Spock’s mother. Nero did. When she fell, you lost the lock on her because she was pulled into the black hole forming at the core of Vulcan. It was nothing you did. Nero made it impossible to save her. Spock doesn’t blame you. Starfleet doesn’t blame you. And neither do I.”

“You know this to be true?” The next streams of water trailing down Chekov’s cheek came from his eyes.

Hikaru nodded. “Sit. Have some broth.” After a few minutes of silence while Chekov sipped at the broth, he asked, “Have you seen your therapist yet?”

“ _Nyet_.” He shook his head. “What could she say?”

After much coaxing Hikaru helped Chekov dress and walked with him to the medical center at Starfleet headquarters. They waited together in Dr. Savel’s outer office, a minimalistic white room with little personality. Hikaru knew it to be a stark contrast to her office where she met patients. Inside the next set of doors was a comfortable space with soft lighting, a well-worn and cushy sofa, several tchotchkes and trinkets on which to rest the eye (his favorite being a jar with a collection of unusual bird feathers), and an oddly grounding view of the Golden Gate Bridge. He described these things to Chekov in a low tone. The intimate moment between them reminded Hikaru of comforting his own younger brother Aiko in their childhood.

Dr. Savel greeted them upon finishing a session with her previous patient and agreed to see Chekov immediately. “You will come with me, yes?” Chekov pleaded. His eyes watered with fresh tears at the thought of facing his demons alone. Allowing Hikaru to sit in on Chekov’s therapy session was most unusual, but as the two _Enterprise_ crewmembers’ experiences were intertwined, Dr. Savel agreed. Hikaru sat silently at a distance from Dr. Savel and Chekov so he might give them their space. Every so often, Chekov would look to Hikaru for reassurance, who nodded.

“I’m afraid this session overlapped your own appointment, Hikaru.” Dr. Savel spoke to him privately once their time was up. “How can we ensure you are cared for as well?” They arranged for an appointment the next day, and Hikaru left with Chekov.

“Better?” he asked. Chekov nodded. “Shall we walk for a bit. Get you some fresh air.”

“Do you play chess, Mr. Sulu?” Chekov asked. “There iz park near here with chess board tables.”

The excursion and company seemed to do as much for lifting Pavel’s mood as the therapy session. By the time the two walked back to barracks 019-66 several hours later, Chekov had even smiled some and cracked one small joke. He promised Hikaru he’d eat dinner with some friends from the Academy and would return to Dr. Savel in two days for his next appointment. In turn Hikaru promised to call him the next day.


	3. Chapter 3

So far the depression and anxiety that had been weaving itself through Hikaru for the last week seemed to be lighter on this particular day. Spending much of the day with Chekov seemed to improve his mood and mental health as well. 

Feeling confident, Hikaru made the last minute decision to attempt fencing practice at the gym. Kera waved to him from her position on the mat when he walked in to observe the fencing match currently in progress. She and her opponent returned to the start position and addressed each other. Her opponent was aggressive, lunging at Kera. She was able to parry the first lunge, but he thrusted again before she could recover. He knocked her off balance. As Kera stumbled backward to regain her footing, Hikaru saw Kirk fall off the edge of the drill platform.

The now familiar sensation of a cold sweat along his collar forced him to leave the gym and find refuge on the sidewalk outside. Breathing deeply, he fought to keep the attack under control. Up the street was the entrance to botanical gardens, a peaceful spot he remembered from family weekend outings of his childhood. He thought the serenity might help the attack subside. He walked through the front gates and down a narrow path to a bench before the panic attack swept over him fully. Somehow Hikaru managed to shed his jacket, which flopped ungracefully on the bench beside him. Blood rushing through his head deafened him to anything around him. Hikaru sat on the bench gulping great lungfuls of air in an attempt to ride through this latest attack. It felt a shuttle was sitting on his chest.

Once the worst of the attack subsided, the stone bench felt cool on his hands and through the denim of his jeans. Hikaru took a deep breath as he considered standing up. He did so slowly, gauging the dizziness that remained, frustrated. How could he possibly pilot so much as a ground shuttle much less a starship in this condition? Turning to retrieve his jacket, another person bumped into him. The collision wouldn’t have been enough for him to stumble had he not still be dizzy and breathless. As it was, though, he stumbled against the bench and fell. The exhaustion of the panic attack and the force of the fall was enough he simply collapsed on the concrete path.

“Oh, my goodness! Are you okay?” A tall man in a leather jacket, khakis, and white button down shirt kneeled before him. “Did you hit your head?”

Hikaru was too weary to be embarrassed or protest the strong fingers examining his scalp for injuries. “I’m...I’m fine.”

“I completely knocked you over.” The man shed his own jacket.

“No, no. Really. I stood up too fast and was dizzy. That caused me to fall more than anything.” Hikaru wanted to sit up, but the man was making a pillow out of his own jacket for Hikaru’s head.

“Rest for a moment, then.” An identification tag hung from the man’s neck. He moved to pick up Hikaru’s jacket and his own PADD, which he had dropped in the incident, before settling himself on the path beside Hikaru. “See that bush over there? It’s an Orsic Fern. The gardens obtained it last week. It’s rare for them to grow so large on Earth. Our soil content doesn’t contain enough magnesium for it. And that over there...the tree with orange leaves? Zilm'kach. Klingon apricot. Makes excellent cobbler. We can’t seem to convince this one to bloom, though.” He spoke softly to help fill time and relieve any awkwardness from sitting on the ground with a stranger.

“Are you...so you work here? At the gardens?” Hikaru asked, working his way into a half sitting position.

“On consult. Not on the full-time staff. Are you ready to lean against the bench for a bit?” He helped Hikaru readjust and draped his jacket over the bench for padding. “I’m a botanist, specializing in alien horticulture. Ben. Are you sure you’re doing okay?”

“Hikaru.” He twisted so he could offer the man his hand in greeting. “Yes, I think I’m fine. Tell me about this shrub.” He pointed to one nearby that was roped off.

Ben smiled. “Ah, that one is special. Folnar Jewel Plant. The resin hardens into a deep blue gemstone highly prized by the people in their star system. The shrubs are being harvested faster than newly planted ones can mature. Because of that, the plant is becoming extinct. The botanical gardens have been working with a team of botanists from Folnar to find ways of protecting the species.”

As Hikaru listened to this man talk about horticulture, he realized it was the first conversation in seven days that did not revolve around Nero and the _Narada_. He found a comfort in the normality of it. “Like amber.” He said, referring to an Earth gemstone of fossilized tree resin.

“Similar concept. However Folnarite is not fossilized.” Ben glanced sideways at Hikaru. “The resin hardens into gemstone quality within a year of exposure to higher temperatures. I feel terrible about knocking you over. I was on my way to dinner. Would you like to join me. There’s a restaurant a few blocks away that makes the best bibimbap in San Francisco. Everything is fresh; nothing is replicated. The eggs are shipped in from a small farm in Salinas. And the kimchi...better than my own mother’s. Just don’t tell her that.” He smiled conspiratorially.

“So long as you don’t tell my mother her apple crisp is dreadful.” Hikaru grinned. He was momentarily surprised he did not immediately decline the dinner invitation. After all, Ben was a perfect stranger, and it was unlikely Hikaru would see him again after this evening. Dr. Savel might consider a few social hours and good conversation healthy progress, though. “Shall we go, then?”

Once inside the restaurant - a little hole in the wall place Hikaru would have never found on his own - Ben greeted a woman in a chef’s jacket with a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Two dozen almond flour chocolate chiffon cakes as requested.” He pulled a pastry box from his backpack.

“Add these to the special menu. Topped with strawberry sauce and fresh vanilla whipped cream.” The woman said to a waitress nearby, then turned to Ben. “Are you staying for dinner?”

“Of course. Table for two. This is Hikaru.”

Nari raised her eyebrow in amusement and surprise before she led them to a table near the back of the room and removed a reserved sign. “Two bibimbap? Or do you want to look at a menu, Hikaru?”

“I was brought here on the promise of exceptional bibimbap. Hate to go back on that now.” He leaned back in his chair, pleased at the comfortable atmosphere. “I’ve lived in San Francisco my whole life and have spent a great deal of time here near Golden Gate Park. I’ve never seen this place before.” 

“It’s been here forever, but it’s a well-kept secret among the Korean community. I’ve known Nira since I was a child. She’s like a grandmother to me.” Ben explained. “Did you grow up in this area?”

A waitress brought them each a beer, which Hikaru gratefully sipped. “My family home is in Bayview. But there’s a fencing gym nearby I belong to and my mother used to take us to the planetarium at the California Academy of Sciences often.”

“Oh, you have a working knowledge of the stars, then?”

Hikaru nearly choked on his beer. “Some, yes. I was fascinated by the Orion Trapezium Cluster. In fact I spent a year studying it at one point. So a baker and a botanist, huh?”

“As a botanist I began growing much of my own food. That led to learning new ways of cooking that food. I’m not a professional chef or baker by any means, but it does bring me great joy. Nira likes my chiffon cakes, so we have an arrangement.” Ben took a drink of his beer.

“And what’s that?”

“I don’t charge her for chiffon cakes and she doesn’t charge me for bibimbap.” He laughed. At that moment two steaming bowls of food were placed before them.

“ _Itadakimasu_. This looks delicious, Nira, thank you.” Hikaru said to her before picking up his chopsticks. A small smile of delight reached her eyes and she bowed to him.

“ _Itada_...I’m sorry. What was that?” Ben questioned.

“ _Itadakimasu_. It means ‘I humbly receive,’ in Japanese My family is traditional; we say it before every meal.” Hikaru explained. “Even if the meal is a bowl of noodles from the replicator.”

Ben made a small noise of understanding, and waited for Hikaru’s reaction to the meal, pleased when Hikaru grinned around a bite of egg yolk drenched rice and vegetables.

“What kind of vegetables do you grow, then? Anything alien or do you stick with Earth horticulture?” Hikaru asked.

Around bites of dinner, Ben described his latest experiments with growing both plants native to Earth and plants from other worlds. His eyes lit up as he discussed success in growing Risan beans. He worked with farmers in Salinas to create a new sustainable crop to replace the extinct Earth pinto bean. 

“I’m sorry. I get so excited about my work, I forget to let other people speak. What do you do?” Ben asked after several minutes of horticulture conversation.

An edge of panic caused Hikaru’s heart to beat faster. He was enjoying himself too much to spoil it now by well-meaning, but difficult, conversation about the biggest event in the news over the last week. On the other hand, it was not in him to lie either. “I...I followed my dad’s path. I’m a pilot.” He said finally.

“Yeah?” Ben leaned forward. “Do you go off planet or in atmosphere?”

“A...a little of both. I’ve been off planet a few times. How about you? If you specialize in alien horticulture, surely you’ve done some interstellar travel.” Hikaru tried to change the subject.

Ben gave a small shudder. “Some. I prefer to keep my feet on solid ground. I spent six months with the _USS Bradbury_ last year, as civilian science consult with the Federation while working on my dissertation. My time on the _Bradbury_ was...challenging, though. I never got used to warp speed or replicated food for that matter.” He poked at the last of his bibimbap with his rice spoon. “I’ve done a few shorter off planet stints. A one month research project on the _USS Carolina_ a few years back and three months on Deneva. Give me deep, rich, solid soil under my feet than my head in the stars, though, any day.”

Hikaru chased the last bit of rice around his bowl. “Oh, HOT!” he gasped reaching for his beer. “Too much chili with that last bite!”

“I’ve got something to cool your mouth off.” Ben said. “No...that came out so wrong.... Uhm...I held back two chiffon cakes for myself. Let’s save Nira’s for the paying customers, and I’ll fix you one at my house with fresh raspberries.”

Hikaru couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Sounds delicious.”


	4. Chapter 4

The sky was dark enough on their walk to Ben’s home to spot some of the brighter objects in the sky. “See that bright dot up there?” Hikaru pointed out. “Most people assume that’s a star; usually they think it’s Sirius. It’s actually Starbase One. When you were on the _Bradbury_ , you would have left orbit from there. Sirius is over there.” He pointed to a star further east.

"You mean I've actually been to that bright dot? That's.... I'm afraid I'm completely ignorant about astronomy or cosmology for that matter.” Ben said.

“Ah, but you realize there's a difference.”. Hikaru teased lightly. “Many people don't.”

“Astronomy is the study of the stars and cosmology is the study of the creation of the universe, right?”

“At its most simple definition, yes.”

They stopped at a nondescript wooden gate street level to several tall townhouses. Ben punched a code in the keypad on the stucco wall next to the gate and swung it open to reveal a short alley lined with fairy lights and a vine with deep purple leaves. 

“Hello, babies,” Ben exclaimed, stroking the plants as he led Hikaru down the alley. The vines seemed to respond to Ben’s touch, bursting with yellow blooms as he walked. “Antares Lunar Flower. Growing these in Earth’s atmosphere has been challenging. They are accustomed to more copper and carbon dioxide, and are finicky about light. Too much and they won’t grow at all. Not enough and they don’t bloom. I was ready to pull them up when I strung the fairy lights as a last resort.”

He grasped Hikaru’s hand to guide it to an unbloomed section. “Touch them! Antares Lunar Flowers need trace amounts of sodium to bloom. What’s found in human sweat is nearly perfect. Eventually they should produce a berry similar to blueberries, but orange in color when ripe. These plants aren’t mature enough yet to bear fruit, though.” The hand in Hikaru’s felt warm and slightly moist against the cool, dryness of the plants. Sure enough, though, blooms sprung to life under his palm. 

He looked at Ben in awe. “That is...truly amazing.”

“Just wait!” The alley opened into a courtyard surprisingly large for a house in the middle of San Francisco. It too was illuminated by fairy lights strung haphazardly everywhere. At the end of the long, but narrow courtyard stood a small craftsman style house. A bistro table and two chairs sat on the wide front patio. Every other surface was covered in plants. Tomato plants and peppers lined the fence on both sides. Cucumber vines trailed between pots of all sizes. Small pots contained herbs and sprouts. Several large pots held something tall and bushy. Sprinkled in the mix were flowers of all shapes and sizes. A row of raspberries trailed along the porch. Peas vined along strings on one corner of the house. Beans vined up strings on the other.

“Ben...” Hikaru breathed.

“Isn’t it beautiful? Touch, smell, taste anything you want. Make yourself at home. I’ll make coffee and whipped cream for our cakes.” Only as Ben stepped away did Hikaru realize he’d still been holding Ben’s hand.

Walking through the courtyard was almost like walking into a fantasy. Hikaru wandered through the plants, mindful not to step on a cucumber or trip over a pot along the way. He took a deep breath. The aroma of herbs and dirt and the faint scent of chilies filled his nose. As he let out the air, he looked up at the front window. Ben stood inside humming to himself while plating the cakes. Standing under the lights and among the plants in the growing coolness of the night air was the most peaceful Hikaru had felt in ages. Ben looked up and called through the open window. “Almost ready. Could you bring handful of raspberries and a couple sprigs of mint when you come in?”

“Uh...sure.” Raspberries were easy. Mint remained a mystery, even though he walked studiously through the pots he guessed were herbs. Aware Ben that watched him through the window, Hikaru blushed. “Sorry. I can give you a dissertation on the difference between stellar dynamics and celestial mechanics, but I can’t tell the difference between basil and mint.”

A light but kind laugh floated through the window. “Go by smell. Basil smells like a good marinara sauce and bruschetta. Dropwort smells like sushi and miso soup. Mint smells like a crisp spring day and green tea. Don’t be afraid to pinch a couple leaves. You can’t hurt them.”

After a few minutes experimenting with the different plants in front of him, Hikaru plucked several leaves from the plant he felt certain was mint. The aroma reminded him of his mother’s green tea once the weather grew warm. Acutely aware Ben was still observing him from the window, he glanced up. Ben nodded and smiled.

The inside of Ben’s cozy house was no less covered in plants. A long tray of sprouts stretched the expanse of a modern looking coffee table. A lemon tree stood in the corner of the main room. Jars of clippings lined the sill on the front window. “To the left. Come taste the whipped cream.” Ben greeted him in the kitchen with a small spoon of freshly whipped cream. “The cakes are sweet. I tried to cut the sugar in the cream a bit. How is it?”

The cream slid off the spoon and over Hikaru’s tongue. It was sweet enough, but even his inexperienced palette knew it lacked something. “Good.” He lied.

“Nope. It's not. I can tell from your face. What's missing?”

“How can you....”

“Because good whipped cream should be met with that brief flutter of eyes and small moan of pleasure that folks don't know they make.” He smiled easily and waited.

“Okay, honestly, it needs...not sugar...uhm...”

“Vanilla!” Ben stirred in a half a teaspoon of vanilla bean paste. “Now try.” He offered another dollop of whipped cream.

Hikaru sampled again. A small moan escaped his throat as an involuntary shiver ran through Ben. “See? Perfect.” Ben cleared his throat.

A small embarrassed smile twitched at Hikaru’s lips and he looked away. “Are those....?” he motioned to the vines trailing the walls and across the ceiling of the nearly otherwise white kitchen.

“Pea plants.” Ben looked up from the berries he was washing. “They don’t produce peas inside since they aren’t exposed to pollinators. But I like the way they look. Why don’t you grab the coffees? I’ll be out with dessert in a moment.”

“Your house is incredible.” Hikaru called into the kitchen settling two mugs on the coffee table.

“Thanks. It’s small at right around 93 square meters. Only the kitchen, a storage room, and the main room downstairs. Upstairs is my bedroom, office, and the bathroom. I bought it for the land, though. This much growing space in the middle of San Francisco is rare. That it’s such a well preserved example of the early 20th century Arts and Crafts style is a bonus. There was a large concrete patio in the back I had taken up a month ago and I’ve begun converting to growing space as well. It’ll be about a fourth the size as the front when it’s complete.” Ben handed Hikaru a plate. “Dessert is served.”

He watched Hikaru with expectant eyes as Hikaru took the first bite of cake. “Oh...that is...divine. Did I make the appropriate noises to express my pleasure?” He grinned.

Ben nodded, pleased, around a bite of cake. “You mentioned fencing. That sounds like an interesting form of controlled combat. How did you get interested in it?”

“It was a fluke, really. I was in one of those silly plays in primary school. There was a part for a swordsman. I wanted to play with the sword so I told the teacher I could fence.” Hikaru laughed at the ridiculousness of it. “After the play was over I was so enamored with the whole idea, I asked for fencing lessons. I’ve been fencing ever since...until recently. There was an incident that may force me to take a break.... Do you have any combat training?” 

“Taekwondo. My dad thought an individual, non-competitive sport would be good for me. After a few false starts, I discovered taekwondo. There’s a negative impression that it’s all about the fighting, but it’s really about the self-discipline and focus. Of course, it’s also a great self defense. Did you know one of the first things taught is not attack, but defense?”

“That sounds like something that would be helpful sometimes. Do you still practice?”

“Not as much as I’d like, but yes, at least a few times a month.” A comfortable silence descended upon them. Hikaru looked up from time to time to admire the view of the courtyard out the front window or the man beside him. He sighed, knowing the evening with this stranger was soon coming to a close, but feeling a warm satisfaction of having a few hours of normal. Just normal. The evening with this fascinating man was the break he needed to keep going, to understand the panic attacks and sleepless nights would eventually subside. He heard a soft chuckle beside him, and looked at Ben questioningly.

“You have whipped cream on your cheek.” When Hikaru moved to wipe it off, Ben stopped him. “Let me.” The couch dipped at Ben’s weight shifting closer. A warm, calloused finger swiped at his face. Ben produced a cream covered finger and without thinking Hikaru wrapped his own fingers around Ben’s wrist, drawing the finger into his mouth. 

It was Ben who moaned this time, his eyelids fluttering closed at the warm, sticky wetness of Hikaru’s mouth. Hikaru withdrew the finger and met Ben’s gaze. He lifted the next finger and nibbled on the end, never taking his eyes from Ben’s. Upon nipping and sucking on each finger in succession, Hikaru leaned in. He could feel Ben’s heated breath blow across his face. Ben smelled earthy like his courtyard with more spice and an overlaying hint of garlic. “Do you have plants in your bedroom too?” He bit his lower lip in anticipation.

Ben nodded slightly and led Hikaru to up the steps, their fingers still curled around each other. At the top Ben turned to walk backward, watching Hikaru’s face. Multitudes of plants in small jars and glass bulbs hung from wires on the bedroom ceiling. When Ben called out breathlessly “Lights 20 percent,” a light in each jar illuminated. Hikaru would have thought it was romantic had he been paying attention to anything but the deep earth brown of Ben’s eyes. In that moment Hikaru felt grounded in a way he’d never felt before. For a brief instant in his life, Ben was solid ground, pulling Hikaru down, steadying him.

Hikaru rested his hands on Ben’s hips and leaned up for the kiss they both knew was inevitable. It began soft and gentle, small nips and slight parting of lips to taste and explore each other, seeking consent. Hikaru’s heart pounded in the most pleasant of ways. The anxiety of the last several days seemed to melt off him as the two men ran hands up arms and across backs. A soft moan against Hikaru’s mouth was all the encouragement he needed.

Hikaru pulled back mid-kiss enough to study Ben’s face, to ask with his own dark eyes “Is this okay?” Ben allowed him the moment before gripping the front of Hikaru’s shirt and pulling him in again. This time it was lips crushing lips and tongues sliding against tongues. It was the vibrant mingled remains of coffee, vanilla, raspberries, and mint. It was shudders running through both their bodies and indiscernible moans of greed and pleasure. 

They tangled for control. Hikaru’s need for finding some in a week spiraling out of control won out. He pulled at buttonholes on Ben’s shirt with frantic desire. Sturdy hands rested against his, pushing them away to undo his own shirt and sliding it off his shoulders before starting on Hikaru’s. Bare chest to bare chest, Ben didn’t so much as break their kiss as he moved his mouth over Hikaru’s jaw, down his neck, across an ear. He licked the edge of Hikaru’s ear which elicited a groan. Hikaru’s hands explored Ben’s smooth back, so unlike the calloused fingers against his own. Ben bent slightly so his mouth and tongue could survey Hikaru’s shoulder. Hikaru moaned against Ben’s ear and hair.

Casual sex wasn’t Hikaru’s normal modus operandi. He wondered wildly for a moment if Dr. Savel would consider this healthy. Then Ben bit down on his neck, not hard enough to leave a mark, but enough Hikaru didn’t wonder any longer. He gave Ben’s shoulders a small push downward, and Ben took the hint, sliding his hands first down Hikaru’s back to his jean covered rear before following with his mouth. Ben’s mouth covered one nipple, licking and sucking, then the other. Turning them both, Ben guided Hikaru to the edge of the bed. He unbuttoned Hikaru’s jeans and pushed them down before easing Hikaru onto the white duvet.

At the first hint of breath blowing warm through Hikaru’s boxers, he gave up any small remaining thoughts of impropriety and arched off the bed to met the sensation. “Ben...” he gasped.

He felt Ben smile against Hikaru’s flat stomach where his tongue was drawing teasing curls around Hikaru’s navel. “I could taste you all night.”

“And what do I taste like?” Hikaru reached down to run a hand through Ben’s hair.

Ben swirled his tongue around Hikaru’s navel again, drawing a gasp from Hikaru. “Mmmm...apple cider.” He licked a path across Hikaru’s hip. “And celery.” He eased the waistband of Hikaru’s boxers down to reveal a thin patch of hair and licked across the hairline. “And all things fresh and crisp like the night sky in early autumn.”

A sound crossed between a laugh and a groan of pleasure escaped Hikaru’s mouth. “Celery?” Ben nodded. Hikaru carded his fingers through Ben’s hair, silky and smooth. He lay back touching Ben in all the spots he could, his hair, his ears, the soft edge of his cheek, his shoulders freckled from so many years working in the sun.

Ben gasped over him as Hikaru’s blunt fingernails scraped lightly up Ben’s neck. The soft air of the expression whispered over Hikaru’s lower stomach, and he reached down to push his boxers all the way off. Their fingers intertwined as Ben helped and tossed the boxers over his shoulder. Gripping a wrist, Ben pinned it to the bed, causing Hikaru to arch up again. Ben’s other hand sought out Hikaru’s length and he stroked lightly while watching Hikaru’s eyes flutter shut. “May I taste this too?” He flirted.

So needy for control earlier, Hikaru found himself giving in, to let someone else take that control now and do what they will. “God, please, yes.”

*****

Sunlight streamed across the bed. A PADD chirped, pulling him from his sleep. Light danced through jars of plant clippings on the window sill, casting prisms throughout the room on the white walls. He was alone to shake off sleep and re-orient himself. Beside the bed lay his jeans with his PADD still clipped to the waistband. It blinked several times to indicate messages - all from his parents. All variations of “Hikaru, are you okay? Where are you?” He sent them off a written message full of assurances he had not gone on a bender or jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and had just closed the PADD when Ben popped his head around the corner.

“Morning. I made breakfast. Towels are under the sink if you want to freshen up. Come down when you’re ready.” He smiled.

“You made me breakfast?” Hikaru asked a few minutes later in the kitchen.

A brief frown flickered over Ben’s face. “Shouldn’t I have?”

“No, no. It’s fine. It’s more than fine. I’m surprised; that’s all.” Took the plate Ben offered. “Living room?”

“The porch is lovely in the morning.” Once settled at the small bistro table on the porch, Ben spoke again. “Listen, I figured out who you are. No, that’s not... Hikaru, you talk in your sleep. And early this morning you called out for ‘Olson.’ I thought last night was a rebound fling or worse. I can’t get tangled up in someone else’s messy break-up or be the cause of it. But then...” He pulled a PADD from his pocket and set it on the table facing Hikaru. “I read today’s _San Francisco Chronicle_ while I waited for you to wake up.”

The screen read “Experts say _Enterprise_ , crew grounded at least two months.” Below it was a photo of the _Enterprise_ bridge taken from the ship’s logs. Hikaru’s face, jaw clenched in concentration from behind the helm, stared back at him. His heart fell. All the pleasantness of the last several hours evaporated. Shoulders slumped, he said into his chest, “So you made me breakfast because you pity me.”

“No I made you breakfast because I don't do one night stands, and it seemed like the polite thing to do when you wake up to a handsome stranger in your bed.” Ben placed a hand under Hikaru’s chin and tipped his head up. “I used the last of my homemade goats milk cheese in your omelet because I felt guilty for assuming the worst about you. But at no point did...or do...I pity you. Now eat before your eggs get cold.”


	5. Chapter 5

“So what kind of plans do you have for the day?” Ben asked. He leaned against the kitchen counter while Hikaru washed the breakfast dishes, at Hikaru’s insistence.

“Therapy session in an hour, and I promised my navigator Chekov I’d see how he made it through the night. He’s suffering from survivor’s guilt. At some point I need to let my parents know I truly am okay before they send Admiral Archer out looking for me.” Hikaru laughed at his own poor joke. “You?”

“I’ve got to finish an article for the _Federation Journal of Botany_ , and this afternoon I’m flying to Napa overnight to check on a research project on the effects of replicated grapevines on the wine industry. My friend Seb owns a private shuttle company. He’s flying me up.” Ben passed Hikaru a cutting board. “That’s the last of the dishes. You know you didn’t have to wash up.”

“It was the least I could do. You’ve fed me twice now, and I haven’t known you a full 24 hours.” There was a comfortable easiness that had settled around the two during breakfast.

“My flight isn’t until 1600 this afternoon. Would you like to come with me?” Ben asked, almost musing aloud to himself. “No strings attached. No expectations. A simple trip to Napa with a new acquaintance?”

Hikaru frowned. “Really?”

“Too forward? No, you’re right. Crazy idea. Sorry. Never mind.” Ben said and fiddled with the edge of his shirt hem.

“Actually, crazy idea or not, I think I’d like that.” Hikaru placed a soapy hand on Ben’s arm.

“No expectations.” Ben promised again.

*****

As Hikaru anticipated, Dr. Savel felt a sexual encounter with a stranger had been premature and ill advised. However, even she couldn’t deny Hikaru seemed more relaxed and at ease with himself. When he informed her he would be taking a trip with Ben to Napa, she weighed the options and made him promise he would give himself an out if he felt unsafe or his PTSD made the situation difficult. They discussed his challenge at becoming unable to even witness a fencing match and both agreed - reluctantly on Hikaru’s part - fencing should be avoided until he felt healthier.

Chekov answered his door in sweatpants and an undershirt and but awake and freshly showered. He assured Hikaru he had indeed eaten a small dinner with a friend the night before. “Iz small wictory, yes, Mr. Sulu?”

“Yes, Chekov. I’ve got an appointment at 1500, but I’ve got time for a game of chess. Interested?”

“Come. I will replicate sandwiches. You set up chessboard.” Pavel smiled broadly. As they settled to play moments later, he said, “Did you know scotch was actually invented by little old lady in Leningrad?”

Hikaru laughed. He was still getting to know the young Russian wizkid, but he’d been warned by mutual acquaintances during their academy days Chekov enjoyed claiming everyday items for his homeland.

Dealing with his mother once he returned home, still in clothes from the day before, was as challenging as he expected. “Hikaru, we thought the worst!” She exclaimed. “And don’t roll your eyes at me like you’re a grown adult and know everything.”

He sighed, trying to be patient. He knew the last several days hadn’t been easy for his parents either, watching news reports and seeing the same clips from _Enterprise_ bridge logs. “ _Okaasan_...Mother...” He started. “I’m leaving again in a few hours. Please let’s not fight. _Otousann_ is right. Neither of us come out when we fight.”

“And where are you going this time?” Yoshiko demanded.

“Napa overnight with a friend. The same friend I was with last night.”

She snorted. “A friend. Only a friend?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. It’s complicated.” At her raised eyebrow that reminded him in the moment too much of Spock, he continued. “Listen, I need to shower and pack a bag. Could we have the uncomfortable conversation about my sex life later?”

Yoshiko’s jaw clicked shut. Out of the corner of his eye he watched his father hide a grin behind his hand. Hosato knew Hikaru had won this round. 

“We receive advanced communication from Starfleet, you know.” Hosato said. He’d followed Hikaru through the door to the guest house. “We may be retired, but we still have connections. You don’t spend your life teaching at the Academy without keeping your connections.”

“I know, _Otousann_ , I know.” Hikaru sighed.

Hosato grabbed his arm. “No, Hikaru, I don’t think you do. When you left on the _Enterprise_ we were told initially....” His voice broke. “The transmission to Starfleet personnel stated the entire fleet sent to Vulcan was destroyed. We thought.... Don’t you see? We mourned for a whole day before the reports were corrected. Your mother kept saying ‘He’s not dead. I don’t feel he’s dead. We’re connected; I would know.’ She was right, of course, but no one believed her. Not even me. And you’re here and she feels your hurt, Hikaru. She feels it right down to her core, but she doesn’t know how to help you.” Hosato closed his eyes. “It would have been better if you hadn’t followed in our paths and kept your feet on the ground.”

“How could I have, _Otousann_? I’m a Sulu. I belong with the stars.” Hikaru motioned to the sky. Hosato only patted his son’s arm before returning to the main house.

Once in the shower, Hikaru broke down. He cried for his parents, for both Commander and Ambassador Spock, for Chekov and Kirk and McCoy and Uhura and Pike. He cried for the crews of the other ships sent on the rescue mission, for Vulcan, and Romulus. He cried for himself. The water turned cold before he was able to peel himself off the floor of the shower. He washed the remains of the previous night off his belly, scrubbed his face, and lathered his hair.

The headache hit him while he towel dried his hair. The Starfleet doctor who examined him upon their return to San Francisco gave him a supply of hyposprays for the pain from his fight with the Romulan and subsequent fall off the drill. Even though Chekov saved them both, having Kirk land on him on the transporter pad left him bruised and sore for several days. He dug through his personal hygiene items until he found a hypospray and injected it into his neck. After putting on a clean pair of jeans and packing a bag, he opened the french doors to the guest house and laid on the bed, relishing in the fresh air that skimmed over his bare chest. Ben wasn’t due for an hour. Hikaru set the alarm on his PADD to take a quick nap.

The bed dipped slightly thirty minutes later. “Hikaru...”

“He’s the first person since I stepped off the _Enterprise_ who hasn’t treated me like I’m broken, Mother.” Hikaru said, not opening his eyes. “It might simply be a trip to Napa and that’s the last I’ll see of him, but whether it’s the next two days or the next two months, I need that right now.”

“You’re not broken.” Yoshiko patronized.

Hikaru turned to her. “We’re both broken. You were told you lost your son, and you nearly did.”

“ _Hai_. But we heal and we go on. It’s what we do.” She smoothed the damp hair from his face and turned off the alarm on his PADD when it rang. “Your friend will be here soon. Wear your green shirt. It goes nicely with your eyes.”


	6. Chapter 6

Ben stood in the doorway waiting for Hikaru to gather his jacket and bag. “Nice place.” He glanced around the one room guest house with its large bed tucked into one corner, a small sitting area with holoscreen in another, and a tiny kitchen along the far wall near the door.

“Not really. I mean. It’s comfortable and neat, but there’s no point in personalizing it. I’m only home six weeks out of the year. If my parents didn’t allow me to use the guest house, I’d be assigned temporary quarters in Starfleet barracks when I’m on shore leave.” Hikaru explained. He slipped on his jacket. “Got time to meet my folks? They are curious.”

Ben nodded, and Hikaru led him through the back door of the house. “Dr. Benjamin Seok Jung.” He placed his hand over his heart as he introduced himself to Hosato and Yoshiko. “Call me Ben.”

“Dr. Ben? From the _Chronicle_?” Hosato exclaimed. “You write the food articles?”

Ben answered “Yes, sir.” the same time Hikaru asked “Who?”

“Hikaru, the man who writes the articles about eating naturally and not using replicated food. He advocates growing what you can. This is him. Dr. Ben.” Hosato explained impatiently. “I recognize him from the picture in his articles.”

“Oh, yes. Right. Dr. Ben. Sorry I didn’t mention that earlier.” Hikaru lied.

Yoshiko bowed to Ben and spoke up. “It’s an honor to meet you.”

The two men departed after Ben promised Hosato he would share his recipe for marinara sauce. After they settled in the waiting taxi, Hikaru turned to Ben. “Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu, former helmsman and science officer, _USS Carolina_ ; senior helm officer, _USS Enterprise_. PhD, astrophysics.”

“I don’t...what?”

“I’m currently sitting in the back of a taxi on my way to Napa overnight with a man whose surname I learned ten minutes ago.” Hikaru explained. “And I wasn’t entirely forthcoming with you last night. For what it’s worth, I don’t do one night stands either. My last relationship was a year ago and was over basically before it began.”

Ben nodded thoughtfully. “Were we on the _Carolina_ together?” He asked finally.

Hikaru shook his head. “I was assigned to the _Carolina_ last spring after graduation from the Academy. One of my duties as science officer, was to act as liaison for all civilian scientists on board. You, I would have remembered.”

That statement elicited a smile from Ben. “So last spring was an interesting time for you. Graduating, getting your first ship, and ending a relationship.”

“The relationship ended shortly after we were assigned to separate starships. He got the _Mayflower_. It was no one’s fault. We simply discovered relationships don’t work when you never see each other. We couldn’t even be guaranteed shore leave at the same time.” Hikaru said. “So what’s the itinerary?”

“Ah, we’ll get to our inn around 1700. The innkeeper is also a friend of mine. Her family has lived in the Napa Valley area for six generations. We can rest for a couple hours before dinner, or there is a short hiking trail near the inn we could explore. I’ve made dinner reservations at an Americana restaurant in town, but there are several options to choose from if you’d rather have something else. Tomorrow our appointment at the winery is at 1000. I have several aspects of this research project I need to check on. Then later there will be some wine tasting. So we’ll make it fun. And Seb is flying us back to San Francisco at 2100.” Ben explained. “I wasn’t able to get an extra room at the inn last minute, but was able to switch to the room with two double beds.”

“Oh. Okay.” Hikaru hid his disappointment. “Can I ask...this morning you mentioned something about a messy break up. Am I being too nosy?”

“We’d been together three years. It was...” Ben paused, searching for the right words. “Well, I needed a break. The opportunity to consult on the _Bradbury_ came along at the same time. We owned the house together. The plan was he’d stay in the house, and we’d reevaluate the relationship when I returned. At least I thought that was the plan. The worst part was the fight for the house. He felt he should keep it. I couldn’t face giving up my garden. The court battle was resolved a few months months ago.” A shadow flickered across Ben’s face. He cleared his throat. “Enough about that. We’re at the airfield.”

Seb greeted Ben with a hug while Hikaru gathered their bags at his insistence. Introductions were made and Seb showed Hikaru around the 22nd century Starfleet surplus shuttlepod retrofitted for in-atmosphere flight only. The warp drive generator had been removed to add two passenger seats to increase the seating capacity to four including the pilot and copilot. The entire shuttle had been painted flame red. In careful script on the side was not designation numbers but the name “ _Kailee_.” Hikaru asked about some of the schematics of the shuttle with the retrofitting while Seb made his final pre-flight checks.

“Are you a pilot?” he asked as they climbed on board.

“You could say that.” Hikaru responded, settling himself next to Ben. “I don’t own my own vessel, though.”

“Well anytime you wanna take up one of my shuttles, lemme know.” Seb flipped switches on the control panel. “Buckle in boys. We’ll be in Napa in 20 minutes.”

As they fastened their seat belts, Hikaru felt a small wave of panic roll over him. He reached to grip the armrest on his seat, but gripped Ben’s leg against his instead. Fighting to keep his breathing under control he took a slow, deep breath and tried to hold it for a ten count before releasing it. Not now, not now, not now his brain chanted.

“Hikaru?” He heard Ben’s voice over the pounding in his ears. “Hikaru... Focus on my breathing. Ready? Breathe in. Slowly. Slowly. Now breathe out.” Hikaru watched Ben’s eyes and the repeated, steady rise and fall of Ben’s chest as he struggled to breathe with him. The panic began to subside. He loosened his grip on Ben’s leg but left his hand resting on his thigh. “Better?” Ben asked after several rounds.

Hikaru did feel better, but he didn’t trust his voice, so he nodded. They flew together in silence for several long minutes. “Ben, there’s...something I need to tell you.”

“There is nothing you need to tell me.” Ben whispered.

“No, please, just...let me...” Hikaru launched into his story. He told Ben how he hadn’t originally been assigned to the _Enterprise_. He’d been on shore leave and had been called up at the last minute because the helmsman had lungworm. He’d been waiting for an assignment - any assignment - on the _Enterprise_ since he’d graduated from the academy. In his excitement and nervousness of finding himself behind the helm of the _Enterprise_ on her maiden voyage, he’d forgotten to disengage the external inertial dampener, delaying their departure from orbit and inadvertently saving the crew from destruction upon arrival at Vulcan. He told how his brain went into automatic pilot when they came out of warp into a graveyard of starships and bodies and how he didn’t even think to mourn friends he lost on those ships until the crisis had ended. He talked about the sudden evasive maneuvers he needed to make to avoid collision with the wrecked hull of the _Mayflower_.

Hikaru talked about volunteering for the the space dive and the skeptical look on Kirk’s face when Hikaru said his combat training had been in fencing. He mentioned Olson and his bravado and quest for the thrill that got him killed. The Romulan leered at him in his mind when Hikaru talked about the battle on the drill, and he felt his heart beat faster at describing the free fall to the planet’s surface with Kirk commanding in his ear the entire way down “Beam us up!” 

There was mention of the battle for Earth when Hikaru hid the Enterprise behind Titan and anxiously waited orders to warp to precise coordinates in the Sol System and at precisely the right moment. He recalled how he and Chekov refigured their calculations twice as well as checked all systems to ensure they were ready. He told Ben about firing every weapon the _Enterprise_ had at the _Narada_ on Kirk’s orders not yet knowing if his family were dead or alive following Nero's attack on Earth. He told him about fighting to keep the _Enterprise_ stable while it was being pulled into the black hole created by the _Narada’s_ implosion.

“We've landed.” Seb announced softly from his seat.

“Yeah, give us a couple minutes, would you, Seb?” Ben asked. “Go on, Hikaru.”

Hikaru took a deep breath and continued, telling Ben about the post traumatic stress disorder and passing out during fencing practice from a panic attack. “Last night I had a panic attack and wandered into the gardens to find a quiet, calm spot. When you bumped into me I was still dizzy from the attack and feeling frustrated and defeated. I can’t promise you I won’t have another panic attack. I can’t promise I’ll even be good company on this trip. But I want to be here...with you. And I want to enjoy...anything you have planned.” He sighed, suddenly feeling the exhaustion set in.

Ben stroked Hikaru’s hand still resting on his leg. “Remember what I said when I invited you this morning? No expectations. And if what you really need from the trip is to rest at the inn while I work, we can arrange that.”

Hikaru nodded. “Thanks. How did you know what to do for my panic attack? It was extremely helpful.”

“I got lucky on that one. Your breathing was so erratic I figured we should focus on that first.” Ben unbuckled his safety belt. “Are you ready? There should be a taxi waiting for us.”


	7. Chapter 7

The taxi ride to the inn was quiet but comfortable. The afternoon was sunny and bright and Hikaru enjoyed watching the landscape go past out the window. While only about a hundred kilometers from San Francisco, Hikaru had not often visited Napa. He enjoyed the fresh green and spring flowers. Ben’s leg bumped against his from time to time, and the solid, warmth of that presence felt sturdy and familiar.

After a short drive, they pulled up to a large chateau with a sign in front that read _Hunnicutt Inn_. Once inside the comfortable looking entry a cheerful woman with sandy blond hair greeted Ben warmly.

She was introduced to Hikaru as Ivy Hunnicutt, the owner and proprietor. “Sorry I couldn’t get you boys an extra room tonight. I hope one room won’t be too much of an inconvenience.” She said to Hikaru.

“Oh, no inconvenience at all.” Hikaru mumbled.

“Ben is at home here, but let me show you around. Common room over here with a selection of holovids. Self-serve beverage center in the butler’s pantry. And we’ll serve breakfast tomorrow in the dining room instead of the breakfast nook since the inn is full tonight.” Ivy lead him through the main rooms of the inn with her arm looped in his. “Now, Hikaru, tell me, what do you do? I didn’t get any information from Ben at all.”

“I...uh...”

Ben interrupted, chuckling. “Ivy, leave the man alone.”

“What? I can’t look out for my friend? Fine.” Ivy tutted. “Here’s your room, Hikaru. You’ve got a private bath. Extra blankets in the chest. There’s a lovely short hiking trail behind the property, and you’re five blocks from downtown Napa, so you’ll be able to walk to dinner.”

Hikaru looked around the room. It was cozy, but beautifully designed. Against an exposed stone wall stood two double beds dressed in simple, elegant bedding with a table between them. French doors opened to a small private patio with a couple chairs to enjoy the view the hills of Napa.

Ben shuffled his feet beside him uncomfortably. “Sorry about Ivy. She’s seen me at my best and my worst and everything in between. She gets protective sometimes. Do you need a chance to rest? I enjoy walking the trail around the lake so you could have your privacy.”

“Actually the trail sounds wonderful. Fresh air is one of the things I miss traveling around on a starship.” Hikaru said.

They filled water bottles at the self-serve beverage station in the butler’s pantry and followed the path from the back of the chateau to a wooded area. “This time of year we should see herons nesting near the water’s edge. And there are often blackbirds in the cottonwoods.” Hikaru began humming softly as he listened to Ben’s narrative. “What are you humming?”

“An old classical song my father used to sing to us. It popped into my head when you mentioned the blackbirds.” Hikaru sang the verse. “ _Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise._ ”

“That’s lovely.” Ben smiled.

“My dad loves the Beatles. He sang several songs to us, but that was the most common one. There was a silly one about a yellow submarine, and one about a girl named Lucy who lives in the sky, and several about the sun.” Hikaru said.

“ _Find me in my field of grass, Mother Nature's son, Swaying daisies sing a lazy song beneath the sun._ ” Ben sang slightly off-key. “You reminded me of a song my mother sang to me.”

They walked together humming snippets of Beatles songs they remembered. Ben stopped to pick up a small flat stone near the edge of the lake and skipped it across the water’s edge. He picked up another, turned it over in his hand a couple times and slipped it into his pocket. “Too pretty to give back to the lake,” he said. “So did you always want to be a pilot?”

“For nearly as long as I’ve lived. My dad never took me off planet, but when he could he’d take me up in a shuttle with him. By the time I was ten, he was sneaking me into Starfleet’s flight simulators. I flew starship sims before I was fifteen. I don’t think either of my parents thought I’d take up flying as a profession, but I couldn’t get enough of it.” Hikaru watched a heron glide gracefully from one edge of the lake to a tree on the other side. Further along the path, Hikaru discovered a jet black wing feather in the middle of the trail. He retrieved it and stuck it into his jacket pocket.

There was a bench near the water about halfway along the trail. Ben sat on it, leaning over to sift through the stones at his feet. He gave one a toss and smiled at the small plonk it made as it hit the surface. The next stone he found, he passed to Hikaru, nodding to the lake. “It’s peaceful. Try.” Hikaru tossed his stone, letting the ripples of the two stones overlap and intertwine each other. They spent several wordless minutes tossing stones and watching the ripples spread out across the water. When Ben finally stood again, he silently reached for Hikaru’s hand and linked their fingers together as they continued their walk. Hikaru looked sideways at Ben, but didn’t pull his hand away.

Back at the inn they changed for dinner. Ben tugged at the edge of his shirt nervously before excusing himself to the bathroom mumbling something about giving Hikaru privacy. 

“We’re going to the Celedon. It’s a new restaurant in town that promises local ingredients when available and no replicated ingredients. If it lives up to its advertisement, I’ll pitch a review to the _Chronicle_. So give me your honest opinion of the food.” Ben said once out of the bathroom. He adjusted the button on his shirt sleeve. “What is going on with this button?”

“Let me.” Hikaru moved forward and took Ben’s hand in his. He quietly turned it over to expose the button and the tender skin on the wrist. Ben’s fingers brushed Hikaru’s ribs, causing Hikaru to shiver slightly, as he untangled a loose thread and adjusted the button properly. Their eyes met. Hikaru cleared his throat. “There. Ready?” 

Ben only nodded.

“So, can I ask....” Hikaru started as they walked along the river through downtown Napa. “You consult with Starfleet and the Botanical Gardens, you write for the _Chronicle_ and the _Federation Journal of Botany_. Are you freelance or does an organization claim you?”

“Strictly freelance, much to Starfleet’s chagrin. They’ve been courting me since I earned my master’s degree. I tried to go into academics, and there’s something to be said for working for a university. The availability of grants is much better. But I enjoy the freedom of being able to work on what I want to and on my time table. Working on contract basis gives me the opportunity to divide my time between my current research on diminished quality of replicated food and studying alien plant life. If I were with a university or with Starfleet, I’d be bound by their schedules. Starfleet would prefer I not discuss replicators either, considering they rely on them for long term starship assignments.” Ben explained, chuckling a bit at his last sentence.

“Tell me about this replicator research. How do you believe replicators degrade food?” Hikaru asked.

“I assume you have a working knowledge of replicators? So long as there are cells in storage to read the patterns from, a replicator can create any non-living organism by rearranging subatomic particles. In other words, it would first create the atoms, then the cells and assemble the particles to create the item you request.” Ben began to explain. “Ah, we’re here. Let’s get seated and order our drinks and I’ll continue.”

The hostess on duty seated the two men right away at a table near the window where they could look out over the historic area and the Napa River. It was a comfortable square table for two with a long white tablecloth, a gently glowing candle, and a vase of bright red California poppies. Ben pulled out the the chair for Hikaru, who grinned at the old-fashioned gesture. “As promised they have an extensive wine list.” Ben said. “Shall we split a bottle?”

“Er, sure. What about this?” Hikaru poked his finger on the first thing he spotted on the menu, wondering if he should simply admit he knew nothing about wine. He was, after all, going to spend the entire next day visiting a winery and tasting wines.

“Rosé is generally too sweet for my taste, at least for dinner. Are you thinking you’ll order seafood?” Ben asked. Hikaru nodded, not really knowing what else to say. “Would you mind trying this Riesling instead? It’s dryer, but would be excellent with most of the seafood on the menu.”

Hikaru nodded again, relieved and said “That sounds great.”

Ben ordered the wine and an appetizer of nut encrusted goat cheese crostini with fig jam for them to share. He then scrolled his finger down the dinner menu. “Oh the seared king salmon with sunburst squash and corn looks fantastic. What do you think, Hikaru?”

Hikaru could see how excited Ben was at this experience, and it gave him pleasure to witness. But he would have been perfectly happy with fish and chips from a corner dive. “The coconut fried prawns with quinoa and local mixed greens sound good. Think that’ll pair with the Riesling?”

“Perfect choice!” Ben smiled. Ben’s enthusiasm was infectious to Hikaru and he smiled as well.

After the appetizer was placed in front of them, wine was poured, and dinner orders were given, Hikaru leaned in. “Finish telling me about your replicator hypothesis.”

“Where were we? Oh yes. In addition to replicators creating organisms, like this wine, for example, it also creates the glass the wine is in. And once the glass of wine is finished, the glass is returned to the refresher, which recycles the particles of the wine residue and of the glass. My theory is the particles from one item combine with other items requested from a replicator at the same time. Using the example of the glass of wine, that means wine particles combine with the glass and glass particles combine with the wine. Which means if you drink a glass of replicated wine, you’re also consuming glass particles. I’ve actually proven this to be true in older food synthesizers and with the advent of the new technology am recreating some of my research with replicators and refreshers.” Ben explained. “I’ve been working with Ivy’s brother who owns a local winery. He has lent me space to grow a control group of grapes and a group of grape vines that have been replicated to determine if replicating plants themselves cause similar issues as simply replicating prepared foods.”

“That’s fascinating. And so what will you do with your findings?” Hikaru asked.

“Oh, that’s fabulous. The fig jam is a perfect compliment to the cheese. Try.” Ben took a few bites of crostini and a drink of his wine. Their fingers brushed together as Ben offered Hikaru a crostini. Satisfied with Hikaru’s reaction, he continued. “The first step will be writing up a paper for publication. I’ve been talking to a few biochemistry journals who may be interested, depending on my findings. The second step would be to work with biochemists and and nutritionists to improve the mechanics of replicators and food processors to decrease the chances of cross-contamination. My degree and experience can’t take me that far, so I’m also seeking support of professionals in those respected fields.”

“It seems this research is putting some of your work in the botanical field on hold.” Hikaru observed around another bite of crostini.

“Some. There’s still the study of the replicated grape vines. I also did study of replicated perennials like tomato and pepper plants. It’s one of the other reasons I’m currently only on consult with the botanical gardens.” The waiter brought their entrees.

“ _Itadakimasu_. This is a beautiful plate. Thank you.” Hikaru murmured to the waiter, who nodded.

Dinner was spent talking about lighter subjects and sharing bites of food from each other’s plates. Ben asked about some of Hikaru’s work aboard the the Carolina. Hikaru told him of the first time he flew a starship in the simulator and crashed it into the middle of the Appalachian mountains in Eastern United States, laughing as he recalled the mixed look of horror and pride on his father’s face. He also relayed a story about he and his younger brother Aiko attempting skydive out of the white fir tree in the neighborhood park near their house. They’d used a silk sheet from their parents’ bed and were only saved from serious injury by the multiple branches they hit on the way down. Their feet and calves bumped against each other through the evening under the small table and eventually Hikaru did not withdraw. Nor did Ben.

With the warmth of Ben’s calf against his own, Hikaru leaned back in his chair upon finishing his entree. His head buzzed pleasantly from the food and the company and perhaps a half a glass too much wine. Ben suggested dessert and he nodded in agreement. When the waiter came around they ordered coffee, a vanilla bean creme brulee, and a strawberry shortcake to share between them. He purposefully rubbed his leg against Ben’s while they shared their desserts. He felt relaxed and content and marveled at how the man sitting across from him could evoke those feelings in him in the twenty-four hours they’d known each other.

“Show me Starbase One, again.” Ben asked on their walk back to the inn.

“Just there.” Hikaru pointed. “And there’s Sirius.”

“And Orion? You did your master’s thesis on the Orion Trapezium Cluster, right?”

“Right. There’s an intermediate mass black hole within the cluster. The constellation is there. See the three stars that make up his belt?” Ben hummed his response. “It’s impressive to see from the observation deck of a starship.” Hikaru watched the calm of Ben’s face. In the moment he wanted nothing more than to kiss the man on the front walk of the Hunnicutt Inn. He did, angling his head up to reach lips he knew would feel slightly chapped and rough from spending much of his time outside. He slid his hands up Ben’s arms, across his shoulders, and to the back of his neck.

Ben leaned down and sighed into the kiss, parting his lips for Hikaru’s searching tongue. Ben’s hands snaked around Hikaru’s back toying with the waistband momentarily before pulling back. “No. I’m sorry, Hikaru. No. This isn’t....I can’t.... Listen, I’ve got about an hour’s worth of work to prepare for tomorrow. Why don’t you relax in our room, and I’ll work in the common room? There’s a soaker tub if you’d like, or you can borrow a holovid.” He ran an unsteady hand through his hair.

“Yeah, okay.” Defeated and angry, Hikaru turned toward the inn’s front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Blackbird_ and _Mother Nature’s Son_ by The Beatles  
>  The Celedon is a real restaurant in Napa, CA. I used descriptions from their menu. No, I've never been there.


	8. Chapter 8

Ben slipped into the room quietly in case Hikaru was asleep when he returned two hours later. But Hikaru was awake, propped up on the bed closest the patio door reading a book on his PADD. The patio door was open to allow a gentle cool breeze to blow in. He’d changed to an undershirt and a pair of black lounge pants. He glared at Ben. “I’ll take a commercial shuttle back to San Francisco in the morning.”

“Hikaru...” Ben said sadly.

Hikaru cut him off. “It’s best. I obviously misread today, and I’d rather not be in your way tomorrow while you work. Damn it!” He slammed the PADD down on the bed and walked out to the patio. Ben flinched before following, head bowed and arms hanging loosely at his sides. “You know I didn’t expect intimacy. Hoped for it, maybe, but didn’t expect it. But I certainly didn’t expect to be sent mixed signals all day and the be shot down in the end. Geez, Ben. You don’t play people like that!”

Hikaru stood with his back to Ben, who stood motionless, but spoke. “You are intelligent and interesting and handsome and many of the things I find attractive in a person. And all day I've wanted to kiss you. But I... _you're_ hurting, and I didn't want to take advantage of...of you. To be completely truthful, or allow you to take advantage of me either. I’m sorry. You’re right, I sent you mixed signals. Not intentionally, but I did.”

They stood silent for a long moment. Ben risked placing a hand on Hikaru’s shoulder. Hikaru turned to face Ben. “I understand we’re both fragile and both out of our element here. But can we agree sex with each other doesn’t have to mean anything past two people attracted to one another finding comfort or release or whatever it is we need?” Hikaru asked.

Ben swallowed hard. Their faces were so close to each other, Hikaru nudged his nose against Ben’s before brushing their lips together. Ben sighed against Hikaru’s mouth and Hikaru pulled away, searching the earth brown eyes. “Yes.” Ben whispered. “Yes, okay.” He moved toward Hikaru, pressing a hand against his back.

“I haven’t tried out the soaker tub yet if you’re interested in joining me.” Hikaru hinted.

****

The weight of something more than the blankets tangled in his legs and someone stroked the sweat soaked hair from his face. Oh. Yeah. Another nightmare. He wondered if he’d shouted in his sleep. He assumed so. Hikaru turned as much as he could without disturbing the embrace. “I’m sorry I woke you.” He mumbled.

“It’s nearly 0700. I’m an early riser anyway.” Ben shook his head.

“I guess we should get up for the day, then.” Hikaru moved to leave the bed.

Ben stopped him. “Ivy will serve breakfast for another two hours. If we wait maybe the dining room will be empty. The morning breeze through the patio door feels good...and so do you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Could we just lie here together a while?” He rested his head against Hikaru’s bare shoulder. This time Hikaru brushed back Ben’s hair, feeling the silkiness as it slipped through his fingers. Their hands explored, legs wrapped together, toes stroked. A general air of easiness drifted between the two of them until Ben dozed off. Hikaru listened to blackbirds calling outside and Ben’s gentle breath against his neck, his mind calm and rested.

A knock on their door woke Hikaru out of a light sleep. Hikaru eased himself from underneath the still sleeping Ben to wrap himself in one of the bathrobes they’d used after their bath last night. Ivy stood at the door with a tray of bagels, fruit, and pot of coffee. “Breakfast hours are over. Laurent will be around to pick you two up in forty-five minutes. I saved you guys back some food. Tell Ben I’m sorry there’s no protein left, but I toasted the bagels for him.” She peeked around Hikaru into the room and chuckled. “Looks like you didn’t need two beds after all.”

“Uh, no. Thanks for breakfast.” Hikaru took the tray from her and closed the door. He spread cream cheese on both bagels and arranged them on plates with fruit. Once he’d poured two cups of coffee, he shook Ben gently. “Hey, Mr. Early Riser. It’s not so early any more.”

“That’s Dr. Early Riser to you.” Ben laughed sleepily. “Mmmm...do I smell coffee?”

“Compliments of Ivy. Bagels and fruit too.”

A car pulled up for the two men right on time at 1000. A tall man with similar hair color to Ivy’s loaded Ben’s work bag into the trunk. “My sister treat you okay?” He asked as Ben introduced Laurent. “We’re headed to my winery first, then we’ll drive to Calistoga later this evening.”

“How long have you been a vinter, Laurent?” Hikaru asked, settling into the back seat of the car.

“It’s a family business. Goes back four generations. But the story goes that our fifth great-grandfather distilled his own spirits during the war in Korea in the twentieth century. The...?” Laurent glanced back at Ben.

“My ancestors called it _yook-i-o dongnan_. The 6-2-5 Uprising.” Ben offered. “I’d like to see the vines first, Laurent. Can do the tasting around 1230?”

Walking along property set off from the rest of Laurent’s fields, Ben asked Hikaru to take notes on a detailed worksheet while Ben measured and described the vines to him. Rows were marked clearly. First three 20 meter rows of five year old vines, followed by three 20 meter rows of five year old replicated vines. “You’ve been working on this project for five years?” Hikaru asked.

“Oh, no. Laurent helped me transplant vines here two years ago. Then we replicated the other row one plant at a time using cells from these plants. The experimental vines are separated from Laurent’s fields to reduce the risk of cross-pollination. It’s a variable, though, I’ll have to take into account when I begin study on the molecular level. The job today is to track vine development from last year this time to now. We’ll measure overall size, width of the main stalk, average width of branches, and average size of foliage. We’ll also look at disease and pest resistance. Let’s start with overall size.” Ben explained the worksheet on a tablet sized PADD. Their shoulders brushed together as they bent over the PADD, and Hikaru smiled at Ben.

Each plant was marked with an identification tag and matched a corresponding i.d. number on the worksheet. The next two hours the men worked steadily, Ben calling out measurements or brief description like “Vine NR0108 - minor damage to leaves due to frost” and “Vine NR0302 - blooms beginning to drop off” to to Hikaru. The sun peaked in the sky while they worked, and Hikaru found after spending much of the last several years inside a lab or starship, he enjoyed the outside air. He understood why someone might appreciate this kind of work. At the end of a row, Ben stretched and wiped a thin line of sweat from his forehead. Hikaru chuckled.

“What?” Ben frowned.

Hikaru cleaned the streak of dirt Ben left behind on his face. “You’d have been better off leaving well enough alone.” 

“Your eyes twinkle like the stars in the sky when you’re amused.” Ben whispered. He bent down for a quick kiss.

“And you’re adorable with dirt smudged across your face.” Hikaru smiled against Ben’s lips, holding the two of them together longer. He swore he could see Ben blush as their noses brushed together.

“Laurent is probably ready for us. Shall we head back to the tasting room?” Ben asked. “We can finish the last two rows later.”

The walk back to the main building and tasting room was pleasant down a grassy hill and through the main fields of vines. A gentle breeze blew and the blackbirds flew overhead searching for food for new hatchlings. Twice a field mouse skittered across their path.

Laurent had set up a table with three glasses of Merlot each, a dish of small crackers and two glasses of water. Each wine was clearly labeled - Control, Non-Replicated Vines, Replicated Vines. Ben pulled up another detailed worksheet on his PADD and announced to Hikaru he’d added a second column so notes by both of them could be recorded. He assured Hikaru it didn’t matter if he didn’t know anything about wine. Any observation would be helpful. Each glass was tasted one by one and comments were made. Hikaru found he was unable to determine a difference between the control, which was Laurent’s wine pressed at the same time, and the wine made with the non-replicated vines. But the wine from the replicated vines seemed more tart and flatter somehow. Ben used the terms astringent and blunt in his notes.

“Now we get enjoy a bottle of Pinot Noir and a cheese and fruit plate for lunch. Shall we take it on the patio?” Ben said, clearing away the glasses. 

They moved a tray of food Laurent had set aside for them out to a shady patio overlooking the vineyard. From their seats they could see Laurent moving among his vines. Ben uncorked the wine while Hikaru sliced the cheese and two pears. “Ben, I've been thinking. Not only do we make a good team and work well together, I enjoy spending time with you. I know my mental health is a challenge, and I’ll go off planet again soon, but until then what if we continued to see each other?” Hikaru glanced shyly in Ben’s direction.

He chewed a bite of pear thoughtfully before asking, “In what way?”

“Any way you’re comfortable with. Although the...uhm...intimacy has been nice.” Hikaru blushed wildly.

“Yes, it has,” Ben agreed. “So...a...dalliance, then?”

“I guess that’s as good a term as any.” Hikaru said. 

“What happens after you return to active duty? Relationships and starships aren’t a good mix for either of us.” Ben’s brow furrowed.

Hikaru lifted Ben’s hand and brushed a kiss across it. “Well, then, I go back to the stars, and you keep you feet on the earth. And if in all the earth and stars we should meet again, we’ll renegotiate.”

Once back in the field, Hikaru took over inspecting the last two rows of plants while Ben recorded the data. They didn’t speak much other than calling out figures for Ben’s worksheet. Then then two men collected random soil samples and leaf samples together. Ben explaining how to label each bag properly. All the samples were packed in a special crate that Ben carried back down to the main buildings.

“Now for the fun part.” He said, setting the crate down near Laurent’s car.

“And what’s that?” Hikaru asked.

“Back to Ivy’s for a quick shower and then we’re all driving to to Calistoga for a wine and music festival. Laurent doesn’t have his winery entered this year, but it’s a great opportunity for him to check out the competition. It looks less suspicious if he’s there with a group of people.” Ben said.

*****

Hikaru pulled on his green t-shirt from the afternoon before while Ben reached for a shirt from his bag. “No. Wear the blue shirt from last night.” Hikaru said, biting his lip unconsciously. He hummed his approval when Ben slid his arms into it. “Mmmm...shame we have people waiting for us.”

Ben laughed. “Behave.” But he leaned down to receive an easy kiss nonetheless.

The trip to Calistoga was lighthearted. Ivy and Laurent both had a twisted sense of humor and a penchant for taunting each other as only siblings can do. Ben laughed along with their jokes at one another, tossing one in of his own here and there. In between moments of ribbing, Hikaru learned the siblings, Seb, and Ben had known each other for nearly ten years - since their university days at Berkeley. 

As they arrived near the festival Hikaru could hear classical music playing in the distance. Laurent parked the car before he and Ben walked off, poking each other along the way.

“Come on, darling.” Ivy took Hikaru’s arm. “This is the most relaxed we’ve seen Ben since he returned from the Bradbury. Let those two boys have some fun. We’ll catch up with them later. Tell me what it’s like to pilot a starship.”

“Uh...How did...”

“Hikaru, it’s not difficult to figure out who you are. Your image has been in the news for two weeks.” Ivy said. She watched the cloud pass over Hikaru’s face and wisely changed the subject. “So you and Ben, huh? You can’t do any better than him. He’s had a hard several years, though.”

“Is this the ‘treat my friend right or I’m coming after you’ speech?” Hikaru eyed Ivy.

“No, this is the ‘my friend has been deeply injured and not ready for a new relationship’ speech. But I like the smile on his face and the easiness of his step today. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that.” She said. 

“We’re not really together.”

“Darling, it certainly sounded like you were together last night.” Ivy laughed. Hikaru could feel the blush burn his cheeks. “Oh don’t worry about it. When you run an inn, you hear all kinds of things. But I will come after you if you don’t treat him right.”

Hikaru allowed Ivy to drag him over to a booth where she told the pourer they wanted to try three whites each. He watched Ben and Laurent talking at a booth nearby. After tasting two whites he enjoyed and one he thought was too sweet, they moved on to a booth advertizing all naturally grown grapes. Ben joined them. “Hey there.” Ben snaked an arm around Hikaru. He settled in to the curve of Ben’s body. “The merlot, pinot noir, and shiraz for me, please.” He said to the pourer.

When Hikaru paused to consider his choices of wines to taste, Ben sensed his discomfort. “May I?” he asked.

“Please.” Relief flickered in Hikaru’s face.

“Chardonnay, riesling, and sauvignon gris for my friend.”

After they finished their tasting - one much too dry, one just so, and one Hikaru thoroughly enjoyed - the group of them moved on to the next booth where they were met by Seb. Now a fivesome, they moved from booth to booth, at times pairing up and drifting off to a less busy booth. The entire festival area encompassed the downtown square of Calistoga. A large stage featuring local bands stood in the middle of the square with room for dancing off to the side. As the evening grew darker, streetlights and lights strung from poles for the occasion slowly came on. 

An hour into tasting wine and being swept along with Ben’s boisterous group of friends, Hikaru found himself slightly tipsy and ready to find a quieter place to sit down for a few minutes. All of the wine was beginning to taste the same to his untrained palate. He slipped away from the group to find seat near a row of food trucks. 

“We can get pretty energetic.” Laurent stood in front of Hikaru. “Let them have their fun. I’ll buy you a slice of pizza.” Separate from the group, Laurent was quieter than his sister. They stood on the edge of the dance floor listening to the band, eating pizza and cleansing their palates with beer.

Several songs later Ben found them. “Want to dance?”

“I’m not much of a dancer.” Hikaru said. The expression on Ben’s face shifted to disappointment for such a brief moment Hikaru almost missed it. He didn’t, though, and didn’t want to ruin such a wonderful day by letting his self-consciousness take control. “Promise you won’t think less of me when you see my moves?”

The song was upbeat and happy, and Ben steered Hikaru to the makeshift dance floor. One song led to another and another. He watched Ivy and Seb dance with each other. Laurent broke in to dance with Ben, while Hikaru danced with Ivy, before she drifted off to find a friend from the valley. The whole dance floor was alive with undulating bodies, and Hikaru became more and more confident as he melded into the crowd.

Finally the band shifted to a ballad. Ben found Hikaru on the opposite edge of a cluster of dancers. He wrapped his wrapped an arm around Hikaru’s waist. They swayed together to the music pulling each other closer as the song went on until Hikaru’s head rested against Ben’s shoulder. Their bodies fit together perfectly, Hikaru thought as he hummed softly to the song and stroked Ben’s back with his thumb.

“Hate to break this up,” Seb interrupted after the third ballad, “but we gotta get _Kailee_ in the air in thirty or I gotta redo my flight plans.” 

A short ride to a private airfield outside Calistoga later, Hikaru, Ben, and Seb boarded the retrofitted shuttle back to San Francisco. The next thing Hikaru knew, Ben was waking him. “Hey...we’ve landed. Let’s get you home.” Ben and Seb had already moved bags to a waiting taxi and they headed to Hikaru’s home first.

“I’ve got a couple things planned tomorrow. A therapy session, spending time with Chekov. Could I contact you day after?” Hikaru asked as they pulled up to his parents’ home.

“I’ll be in the lab at least two days with my data and my wine Laurent send me back with. And I’ve been told I’m unpleasant to be around when I begin processing data from research. How about Friday evening?” Ben suggested.

“You? Unpleasant? I don’t believe it for a second.” Hikaru countered sleepily. “Friday sounds great. Let me plan something.”

Ben smiled. “It’s a date.”

Hikaru climbed out of the cab and made his way down the path behind the house. He noticed a light on in the kitchen, though, so stopped before he got to the guest house. It was typical of his mother to be up waiting for him. She sat at the table with a cup of tea and a PADD in front of her. “What are you reading?” He asked.

“One of Stephen Hawkings’ papers.” Yoshiko set the PADD down.

“The ancient astrophysicist?” Hikaru replicated a cup of tea and sat across from her.

“Hai. He had some fascinating theories, many have never been disproven.” She responded. “Didn’t you cite him in your dissertation on the Orion Cluster?”

When Hikaru nodded she asked about his trip.

Hikaru took a sip of tea. “Interesting.” At his mother’s raised eyebrow, he continued. “The trip was fun, Okaasan. But what you really want to know is about Ben.”

She shrugged. “A mother worries.”

“He’s lovely and fun to be with and incredibly intelligent and just a friend.” Hikaru said.

“Just?”

“Neither of us is ready for a relationship. Both of us enjoy each other’s company. We have a date Friday evening. Would you like me to elaborate?” He explained.

“No. A mother worries, but only needs so much information.” Yoshiko laughed lightly.

“Actually I said I’d plan Friday’s date. It’s been over a year since I planned a honest to goodness date. Any thoughts?” Hikaru asked. The close relationship he’d always enjoyed with his mother had felt strained since the Nero incident. As tired as he was, he welcomed the easy conversation they were finding themselves in at the moment. Mother and son sat talking over gradually chilling tea long into the night. When they decided to go to bed, Yoshiko promised she’d wake Hikaru in plenty of time to make his appointment with Dr. Savel.

“You don’t have to do that, Okaasan. I can set the alarm.”

“Mother’s prerogative. Take advantage of it.” She kissed his forehead. “Sleep sweet, Hikaru.”


	9. Chapter 9

A long conversation describing the trip to Napa with Ben made up the bulk of Hikaru’s session with Dr. Savel the next day. Dr. Savel asked when he would see Ben again. “Friday evening.”

“And you find his company calming?”

“You know, at first, and even in conversation with Ben, I said his company was calming. But that’s not it, and it’s not fair to Ben to have those expectations of him.” Hikaru corrected. “I find his company enjoyable.”

Dr. Savel made a noncommittal hum of acknowledgement. “And how many panic attacks have you had since I saw you last?”

Hikaru focused on the jar feathers, in thought for a moment. “One. Relatively mild as our flight took off from San Francisco. Actually Ben talked me through it by helping me breathe.”

“Only one?” Dr. Savel questioned.

Hikaru thought back, surprised at himself. “Yes. I didn’t have one yesterday. Wow, I didn’t have a panic attack yesterday.”

“And nightmares?”

“One the night before. I was falling off the drill platform again. I don’t remember a nightmare last night. Does this mean...?” Hikaru wasn’t sure what it meant that he hadn’t experienced the worst of his PTSD symptoms last night and yesterday.

Dr. Savel made a few notes in her PADD. “It means you’re finding ways to refocus your energy. Don’t be surprised or disappointed if you have a panic attack or nightmare, but I would expect you’ll find you experience them less and less now that you’re concentrating on something other than your illness.”

“What about flying again?”

“Lieutenant Sulu,” Dr. Savel leaned forward, “when I give the all clear for you to be at the helm of a ship again, we’re going to start slowly. Simulators first, then we’ll move up to the real thing. Don’t rush this process. Remember some of your trauma occurred at the helm. We’re not going to thrust you back into a situation that may trigger a panic attack that could put lives at risk.”

“Why not simulators now? I need the practice.” Hikaru suddenly felt frustrated all over again.

“You’re one of the best helmsmen in Starfleet. You’ll get your practice in when you’re mentally ready. One day without a panic attack does not a medical clearance make.” She made another note in her PADD. Hikaru sighed loudly. “Let’s try something. I’m going to give you clearance for a shuttle flight sim as a passenger only. One hour between now and when we see each other Friday. Divide that hour up in anyway you wish. Find someone you trust to serve as helmsman, preferably someone not involved in the incident. Let’s first work on you sitting in the cockpit without having a panic attack.”

“Very well.” He felt defeated and victorious at the same time.

*****

The walk from the med center to barracks 019-66 seemed quiet. Few people remained for summer quarter. And, Hikaru realized with a sudden jolt, the graduating class of 2258 now comprised of mostly the survivors of the _Enterprise_. Unless a cadet had been ill, on academic probation, completing course work off Academy grounds, 85 percent of the graduating cadets would be awarded their commendations posthumously. It was with another jolt, Hikaru realized there had been no graduation yet. It should have been held last week. As Hikaru walked through the grounds, he thought about his friends stationed on those ships, some officers, some cadets a year behind him.

Chekov met Hikaru at the door to his quarters with a Geskana stick in his hands. “Ah, Mr. Sulu! Come. A group iz playing Geskana at Golden Gate Park. We borrow stick for you from Ensign Hadley across hall.” Stick procured, Chekov and Hikaru walked to a public transporter booth to transport to Golden Gate Park.

“Chekov, do you think there were any survivors on the other ships sent to Vulcan?” Hikaru asked as they walked past a memorial to George Kirk.

“ _Da_ , Mr. Sulu. Many from _Mayflower_ used escape pods after ship disabled. Crewmembers from other wesels were in pockets of wreckage until search party discovered them.” Chekov looked at Sulu curiously. “You did not know?”

Somehow hearing that news helped Hikaru breath a bit easier. “I did not. Living off Academy grounds, that information didn’t reach me, and I’ve been avoiding news reports.”

“You think we are alone, Mr. Sulu? By my calculations sewenty-one percent of all crewmembers were lost. Is large percentage, but we are not alone.” Chekov said matter of factly. Somehow his youthful optimism helped lift Hikaru’s mood.

“Any word about graduation?” He asked.

“ _Nyet_. Maybe in few weeks. Keptin Pike is still in medical center.” They reached the transporter and Chekov keyed in the coordinates for the Golden Gate Park public transporter. A small group of people gathered in an open area of the park. “I brought fifth for our team!” Chekov announced to a lanky man Hikaru only knew in passing.

After the first few plays of their game of Geskana, Hikaru was painfully aware of how little he had exercised in the last several weeks. His muscles burned with their newfound freedom of activity. During a timeout, he stretched his calves at a nearby bench, relishing in the tightness dissipating as he gave his muscles attention. Some of the players he recognized as crewmembers from the Enterprise. Some he understood to be cadets assigned to other starships during the attack on Vulcan. 

Ten people on the field gathered to play a sport. To learn how to find solace in each other and in something other than the terrible tragedy they collectively shared. They laughed and argued over rules and jostled each other in kinship. With the sun nearly directly overhead while they played, faces and shirts grew damp with sweat. At the end of the first two rounds of play, ten people collapsed to sip water and exchange small talk during a short break. Hikaru stripped off his shirt to lie in the cool grass and close his eyes for a few moments, feeling at ease.

“Time for third round!” Chekov announced nudging Hikaru’s leg with a toe. Hikaru opened his eyes to see a figure looming over him with a sword over his head. His heart rate picked up and he felt the sweat begin to prickle along the back of his neck. Hikaru closed his eyes again and concentrated on his breathing. In. Out. “Lazy bones,” Chekov laughed, nudging Hikaru again. This time time Hikaru opened his eyes to see a pair of green eyes and a kind face grinning down at him. Panic attack averted, he took a deep breath and reached up a hand so Chekov could help pull him to his feet.

Hikaru and Chekov’s team won the Geskana game with a three goal lead. Many of the players wandered off to get a mid-day beer at a local bar friendly to Starfleet personnel. Chekov hung back. “I am too young to enter bar.” He told Hikaru softly. “I like when they forget because then I am not treated like kid. But I do not like reminding them.”

“Hungry for lunch, then? I recently discovered good Korean place near enough to walk to from here.” Hikaru offered.

Nira greeted Hikaru with a warm smile. Hikaru introduced her to Chekov and they were seated at a table near the window. “You just missed Ben.” She informed him. “He stopped by for take out. Two bimbibap?”

“ _Hai_. Mine without beef, please. And a couple sodas.” Hikaru said.

“Who is Ben?” Chekov asked.

“A man I met a few evenings ago. He brought me here for dinner the night we met. Nira is his grandmother.” Hikaru felt his cheeks growing warm at the thought of that evening.

Chekov eyed him closely. “Not only friend, I zink. I may only be sewenteen, but I know. Girls at Academy treated me like little brother. They would tell me things they would not tell others about people they like or go back to dorm with. Their faces flushed like yours.”

Hikaru cleared his throat and changed the subject. “How old were you when you joined Starfleet, Chekov?”

“Call me Pavel, Mr. Sulu.”

“Only if you call me Hikaru.”

Pavel nodded. “I was twelve when Keptin Pike recruited me. He heard of ‘Russian wizkid’ and came to see me. I am expert in stellar cartography, transporter theory, and theoretical physics. Second youngest cadet freshman in Starfleet Academy history. After graduation Starfleet assigned me to _Apollo_ transport wessel.”

“With your expertise, why a transport ship?” Hikaru asked. 

Pavel glanced at him from across the table. “Have you been on transport wessel? Zey carry many things. Heavy machinery, food stores for colonization, weapons. Ewerything must be transported from wessel to planet surface. Is highly precise work. One miscalculation with large items shipping container crushes other supplies or worse, surface team. Keptin Pike named me chief navigator of Enterprise three months ago. I was on planet to take new assignment.”

“Is that how you knew the calculations to beam up Kirk and me?”

“ _Da_. I figured zey could be worked in reverse. Instead of exact calculations to beam down, use to beam up.” There was a proud glint in Pavel’s eyes. “Hard part was getting to transporter room in time.”

Nira brought their food and Hikaru gave his traditional appreciation. He broke into the yolk to let it run over the rice and vegetables. Pavel watched him and did the same. The yellow oozed into the dish in a way that felt satisfying. They ate quietly for a moment, Pavel seemingly lost in thought. He struggled with his chopsticks, but managed well enough not to ask for a fork.

“Hikaru, do you still have nightmares?” He finally asked.

“Most every night, yes.” Hikaru answered. “The nightmares might continue for a while, I’m afraid. Getting out like you did today will help. At least it has for me.”

“Today is first day many of us have been off grounds. Was good to run and stretch muscles.” Pavel agreed. Hikaru understood by his statement sheltering himself at his parents’ away from other crewmembers struggling was not to his benefit.

“Yes, it was. We should get a game together a couple times a week while we’ve got the chance.” Hikaru agreed. “Say, listen, Dr. Savel said I could get in a simulator but I need a helmsman. She won’t let me fly yet. Know anyone with clearance?”

Pavel thought a moment. “Cadet Doss. He had stomach flu and could not serve on _Farrgut_. He is better now. In barracks 019-87. Bimbibap is good.”

“Ben says it’s the best in town. I can’t prove him wrong.” Hikaru said, taking a bite.

“Your friend?” Pavel chased rice around the bowl.

“Yes, my _friend_.” Hikaru said. “Use your rice spoon if you need to.” 

Pavel tossed his chopsticks aside. “Many things were invented in Russia. Chopsticks were not.”

Hikaru laughed.

On the way back to the barracks, Hikaru noticed Pavel’s easygoing demeanor shifted to the gloominess he’d seen earlier in the week. Chekov’s steps seemed forced and heavy. He sighed loudly as they reached his quarters. “What’s wrong?” Hikaru asked.

“Today was fun. I felt normal again. But evening and night will be long. I get lonely at night. Zat is when it upsets me people forget I am kid.” Chekov’s bottom lip quivered just slightly.

It struck Hikaru how difficult it must be to be as young as Pavel and struggle through the heaviness of the events they experienced. They both were finding a way to survive when so many hadn’t and trying to find balance in defeating their depression, anxiety, and guilt. He imagined being alone in a barracks full of other people struggling with the same challenges could be downright frightening, especially now that Pavel had become willing to leave his quarters. “I want to get in the simulator if Doss is free. Why don’t you come observe? And later, you can spend the night at my parents’. My brother Aiko is in London interning at the Kelvin Archives. You could take his room or you could stay in the guest house with me.”

“Really?” Pavel’s face brightened. “I borrowed holovid from Starfleet library for tonight. It is about detective. We could watch together later?”

Hikaru laughed again. “I like detective stories. I’ll even make some popcorn.”

*****

Cadet Doss turned out to be a loud, brash man with a head full of bravado ( _Like Olson_ , Hikaru thought briefly) and nothing to do on a quiet Wednesday afternoon. “Sure, I can run a shuttle sim for you. Thanks to Admiral Barnett grounding me for the flu, I need the hours anyway.”

On the way across Academy grounds, he bragged about his upcoming assignment on the _Bradbury_ , multiple feats of bravery during his internship aboard the _Farragut_ , and his prowess behind the helm of “any vessel Starfleet throws my way.” 

Doss’ swagger made Sulu glance at Chekov nervously. “He is good helmsman.” Chekov whispered.

“The _Farragut_ was supposed to be mine,” Doss was saying. “Then that Nero fella had to come blow it outta the sky. _Bradbury’ll_ do for now until Starfleet can rebuild.”

Entering the simulator, Chekov found a seat in the observation room while Sulu and Doss set the simulation. “Let’s start small. A flight from San Francisco to Earth moon will work.” Hikaru said, entering his passcode.

Doss scowled. “Yeah, if you wanna nap on the way. If we’re gonna do this, let’s do it up right. Computer, run Doss Simulation Alpha Gamma 0128.” 

Hikaru soon discovered Doss’ simulation was a mock up of a shuttlecraft escaping an asteroid field. “Not sure this is a good idea, Doss. The whole point of this exercise for me is to avoid a panic attack inflight.”

“And what better way than to get you back out there in a realistic situation. Who’s gonna have a panic attack flying to the moon and back? C’mon.” Doss punched in the flight codes on the simulator cockpit and strapped himself in. Hikaru reluctantly did the same.

The flight started out easy enough. A couple asteroids directly in the flight path were maneuvered around expertly. Doss did a few barrel rolls just for kicks and Hikaru settled into the co-pilot’s seat enjoying the thrill. The simulation increased and a large asteroid came directly at their craft. “Evasive maneuvers!” Hikaru shouted automatically.

“Relax. I got this.” Doss laughed.

But it was no use. Hikaru could feel the tell-tale signs of a cold sweat prickling along the nape of his neck. His breathing became erratic. “End the simulation, Doss!” He cried. “End it now!” 

Another large asteroid lay dead ahead. Doss turned the shuttle a millisecond too late and the shuttle’s ventral aft scraped the edge of the rock, jarring Hikaru in his seat. The asteroid might as well be sitting on his chest. His head spun as though they’d done repeated barrel rolls. From somewhere distant Sulu heard Doss yell “Huzzah!” and the shuttlecraft jerked again.

In the darkness, a voice reached Hikaru. The words were indistinguishable, but the tone was loud and angry. Another voice responded. “Not my fault...passed out.”

“Oh, yeah! Zis will not be my fault either!” Hikaru heard skin striking skin and the crunch of bone.

“Why you...”

A third voice chimed in. “What in the hell is goin’ on in here?”

“Ah, Doctor McCoy, Keptin Kirk, zis man...Mr. Sulu...in simulator. And...” Chekov stuttered.

“Did you lose your ability to form verbs, Chekov?” McCoy asked.

Hikaru struggled to unstrap himself from his seat in the simulator, but all he managed to do was slump forward again. He heard Chekov take a deep breath. “No, sir. Mr. Sulu and Cadet Doss were in simulation. Mr. Sulu passed out from...panic attack. He did not want to run simulation Cadet Doss ran, but....”

“Bones, you see to Mr. Sulu. Ensign Chekov and I will make sure _Cadet_ Doss finds his way out.” Hikaru heard Kirk stress the word cadet, even though for all intents and purposes he was still one himself.

Doctor McCoy’s roughened hands released the safety harness and eased Hikaru to the floor of the shuttle. “Easy, Sulu. Just breathe easy. That’s it. Take your time.”

Kirk and Chekov made their way back to the sim room, Kirk reassuring Chekov. “He’s not going to report you, Ensign. And if he does, we’ll have our own report to back you up. Nice left hook, by the way. Bones, remind me when I get my own ship, Doss doesn’t put one foot on it. Ever.”

“What’s the matter, Jim? Don’t like the competition?” McCoy responded gruffly.

Kirk’s head appeared in the door of the shuttle. “C’mon, Bones. Bravado is one thing. But I don’t willingly and knowingly put my fellow crewmembers in danger for a cheap thrill. How you doing, Mr. Sulu?”

The four members of the Enterprise sat on the floor of the shuttle until Hikaru felt weak, but otherwise back to normal. “They all been like this, son?” McCoy asked him while examining Pavel’s knuckles for any signs of breaks or sprains.

“This one was especially difficult, but yeah.” Hikaru sighed. “What have you two been up to since we returned?”

“Oh we've been swell.” Bones started. “Admiral Archer himself bailed me out of a drunk tank in Georgia last week and confined me to Starfleet grounds until my shrink clears me. And Jim over there...”

“Bones...” Kirk whispered, giving his head a slight shake. Bones scowled and Kirk ran his hand through his hair. “I wrecked a motorcycle, okay?”

McCoy snorted in derision. "Drove it off a goddammed cliff is what you did."

His declaration earned him a sharp look from Kirk. "Not any cliff. _The_ cliff." McCoy didn't respond.

They walked across campus together in silence. Hikaru watched Kirk bump against McCoy’s hip from time to time as they walked. Once the two even brushed their hands together in almost a subconscious movement. Chekov chewed on a fingernail. When they reached a public transporter, Chekov and Sulu said their goodbyes to the other two men. 

“Don’t be strangers, fellas. We’re around most days.” Kirk said before they veered left to barracks 019.

*****

The walk from the public transporter was quick, but Pavel kept a close eye on Hikaru just the same. Hikaru led him around to the guest house where Pavel suggested a holovid first so Hikaru could rest more following his panic attack. There was no argument about that decision. Blinds were closed to ward off most of the afternoon sun. Popcorn and sodas procured, they settled in on the couch for their viewing. For a detective story, it contained some light scenes, which they both seemed to appreciate.

The setting sun peeked over the main house and sent a sliver of light through the a crack on the edge of the blinds. The light played across Hikaru’s sleeping face. He blinked and stretched. The holovid was over, and Chekov was not in the guest house.

“...and zen I give bag back to teacher. She told me never mind.” Chekov was sitting at the kitchen table with Yoshiko. She laughed at what was apparently a funny story. “Ah, Hikaru. I forgot Vice-Admiral Sulu is your mother. She helped me often my first year at Academy.”

“Feeling better after your nap, Hikaru?” Yoshiko asked. “You missed supper, but I can replicate something.”

“Just tea, thanks. We had a late lunch and snacks during the movie.” Hikaru said.

“Mr. Chekov and I have been catching up. I’ve missed his wonderful wit and sense of humor.” Yoshiko set a cup of tea in front of Hikaru.

Pavel launched into another story about playing a practical joke on a friend from the Academy. Hikaru opted to sip his tea quietly and listen. His new friend seemed to be in his element, telling stories, laughing, enjoying the company of other people. He could see why Pavel found the evenings lonely in Starfleet accommodations as the cadets around him found solace and healing in ways Pavel didn’t understand or that didn’t work for him. The more shut out Pavel felt, the more he had shut down and sequestered himself. Hikaru breathed a deep sigh, feeling some of the stress and anxiety leave his body.

Pavel insisted on sleeping on the couch in the guest house, even though Hikaru repeatedly offered the bed. The next day they spent watching holovids, playing soccer in the yard between the house and guest house, and enjoying meals with Vice-Admirals Sulu. Pavel spent the next night in the guest house as well. The following morning he and Hikaru traveled to Starfleet medical together for their separate therapy sessions with Dr. Savel.

Dr. Savel seemed disappointed, but not surprised at Hikaru’s panic attack in the shuttle simulator. However, given the circumstances surrounding it, agreed to give him another hour’s clearance. “Try to find someone more understanding this time, Lieutenant.”

Sulu couldn’t help but chuckle at that one. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

Following his appointment, Hikaru confirmed another Geskana game with Pavel for Monday. He then made his way to the barracks to look up an old friend, Lt. Kyle McKenna, frustrated with himself he hadn’t thought of him before. 

“How’s recovery going, Kyle?” Hikaru asked when McKenna opened the door.

“Stay away from lungworms.” He said, coughing lightly. “Unless, of course you want to spend two weeks feeling like a shuttle is sitting on your chest.”

“Know the feeling.” Hikaru muttered ruefully. “Listen, I need a reliable helmsman.” He went on to explain the situation.

“Sure, I’m clear to fly. Don’t ask me to run the Starfleet Academy Marathon, but I can run a couple shuttle sims with you. Want to go now? I’ve got a follow-up in the med center at 1300, but I’ve got time now.” McKenna turned to pull a button down shirt on over his undershirt. The two walked across Academy grounds together. “If I had to lose the _Enterprise_ , I’m glad I lost it to you, Hikaru.”

“Assignments haven’t been set yet, Kyle. I’ve been told the _Enterprise_ would be mine if I wanted it, but it all depends on my health. And Captain Pike’s too. If he isn’t able to resume duties, they’ll give the _Enterprise_ to a different captain.” Hikaru said.

“Doesn’t matter. You’re the better helmsman. She should have gone to you initially. Besides, Captain Hernandez has approached me about senior helm officer on the _Stargazer_.” Kyle said.

“Isn’t she the captain of the _Mayflower_?” Hikaru asked.

“She got reassigned six months ago.”

Hikaru glanced sideways at Kyle. “You dating anyone?”

“Remember Tarek? Chief Engineer on the _Mayflower_. He survived the attack by hiding in a storage locker on the _Mayflower_ wreckage with a O2 tank for eighteen hours before a rescue ship found him. He’s having a difficult time staying in our quarters right now. It’s too confined for him. So he spends a good bit of his time walking around the grounds. You just missed him, actually. We were hoping to get married in a few months, but...” Kyle shook his head. “Between lungworm, PTSD, and uncertain assignments, we’ve decided to postpone until the immediate future is more certain. Maybe next shore leave. How about you?”

Hikaru shrugged. “I met a man recently, but how can it be serious when we’d never see each other? You and I tried and failed.”

Kyle stopped and placed his hand on Hikaru’s arm. “You and I didn’t work out because we weren’t willing to make the effort. But don’t discount a relationship based on what happened between us. If he’s worth it, Hikaru, you’ll make the effort. You do with everything else.”

“Are you saying you felt you weren’t worth it?” Hikaru asked.

“I’m saying we were better when we were friends and competitors than when we were lovers. Neither of us tried hard enough to make it work.” McKenna responded. Hikaru looked back to their Academy days, at first always in competition with each other. They learned quickly they often traded places back and forth as the best in their classes. That grew into a friendly competitiveness. By the time graduation rolled around four years later, they found themselves in a romantic relationship. 

He inclined his head to indicate he understood McKenna’s statement. “You and Tarek, did that...when...?

“After you and I called it quits. Tarek had nothing to do with us. Come on. Let’s get some sim time in before my appointment.”

An hour later, Sulu and McKenna walked from the simulators. They had run a calm simulation from Starfleet to Earth Moon and then another from a starship to an uncharted planet, complete with a landing on the planet surface, both without incident. “Thanks, Kyle. I hated to ask you, but I trust you.”

“Hikaru, we may not have been able to make a relationship work, but I’m glad you asked me. Let me know when you’re cleared for more hours.” McKenna said. “I’ll fly with you anytime. And remember what I said about this guy you met.”

Hikaru nodded and began to walk away. He stopped and turned back. “How did you get lungworm anyway?” He called.

McKenna grinned. “Believe it or not, from an alien unicorn dog. It’s a long story I’ll bore you with another day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite line of the story so far is in this chapter. I've been looking forward to posting it for that reason. :-)


	10. Chapter 10

Hikaru dressed carefully in a deep burgundy button down, a pair of dark jeans, black leather shoes, and his leather jacket. The closest public transporter to Ben’s home required a four block walk, one Hikaru spent calming his nerves. Even though this wasn’t technically their first date, something about it felt like one. Perhaps it was the fact the first one was happenstance, and the second one occurred only hours later. Perhaps it was the fact he and McKenna slid so seamlessly from one level in their relationship to another, there had never actually been a first date.

Ben buzzed the gate open when Hikaru pushed the button on the door. He took great delight letting the Antares Lunar Flower burst into bloom under his hands as he walked through the alley. The courtyard held as much enchantment during the day as it did in the dark, and he stopped to examine a plant here and there. “Risa beans.” Ben called from the kitchen window. “I’m sorry I’m running late. Give me two minutes and I’ll be out.”

“No hurry. The show doesn’t start for an hour.” Hikaru smiled at the figure in the window, appraising the tight blue knit shirt he could see Ben sporting.

“Show? What kind of show?” Ben questioned.

“That’s a surprise.” It’d taken him a while to decide where to take Ben, but he’d finally settled on an idea his mother suggested.

“The kid’s show at the planetarium?” Ben asked fifty minutes later as Hikaru purchased tickets at the California Academy of Sciences.

“Ah, not just any kid’s show. This one is special.” Hikaru teased.

They settled in their seats and Hikaru was secretly glad the show was fairly empty at 1800 on a Friday evening. He liked the intimacy of the room, and he didn’t want to embarrass Ben by being the only adults in a crowded room who did not have children with them. But this show was special and as much as Ben had shared about his work already, Hikaru wanted to do the same.

 _“On this site, a powerful engine will be built. An engine that will someday help us to travel a hundred times faster than we can today. Imagine it – thousands of inhabited planets at our fingertips... and we'll be able to explore those strange new worlds, and seek out new life and new civilizations. This engine will let us go boldly... where no man has gone before.”_ The narration began. The camera panned across a massive, nondescript facility with the Federation symbol emblazoned on the side.

“Those words spoken by Dr. Zefram Cochrane during the dedication of what is now known as the Cochrane Research and Development Facility, began the race for warp 5 technology in the year 2119. Thirty-two years later the first vessel with warp capability was launched.”

“My mother’s the narrator.” Hikaru whispered.

“Is that why this is special?” Ben whispered back.

“In part. Watch.”

The camera zoomed to a woman in a command gold Starfleet uniform with two older children at her side. The oldest appeared to be about thirteen and the youngest eleven. They stood in that gangly way young teenagers do sometimes when their limbs seem too long for the rest of their body. The oldest child spoke, “The _Enterprise_ , right?”

“Yes, Hiki, that’s right. The Federation starship _Enterprise NX-01_ launched in 2151...” Vice-Admiral Yoshiko Sulu went on to say.

“It’s you!” Ben exclaimed.

“Shhhh...” Hikaru whispered. “Yes, it’s me, just shy of my fourteenth birthday, and my brother Aiko. He’s eleven there.”

The planetarium show went on to outline the history of space discovery in the last 100 years. An older Hikaru in his Starfleet Cadet red uniform appeared in a clip that had obviously been added in later. He narrated a several minute segment about the Orion Cluster specifically and black holes in general. 

The production ended with Vice-Admiral Sulu and young Aiko the bridge of a starship. (“Simulation.” Hikaru whispered to Ben.) Aiko dreamed in his childlike voice that one day he would serve aboard the _Enterprise_.

“When you said you spent a lot of time here as a kid, I had no idea.” Ben said once the show was over.

“Oh, yes. Aiko and I thought we practically owned the place. If our mother wasn’t at the Academy, she was here.” Hikaru laughed. “I could probably tell you more about this building than anyone else in San Francisco can. We were a natural choice to appear in that planetarium show. I never liked how they cut in my Orion Cluster segment, though. It was part of my master’s thesis. There’s actually a full planetarium presentation, but it’s not shown that often.”

“I’d like to see that sometime, and not just because you’re hot in your cadet uniform.” Ben grinned.

“Ha. You should see me in my dress greys then.” Hikaru laughed, teasing. He took Ben’s hand. “So now we have a choice. NightLife at the Museum begins in a few minutes. As chance would have it, tonight’s theme is the science behind food. Drinks; local, sustainable, non-replicated food; and a couple of workshops including one on chocolate.”

“Complete with tastings?” Ben asked.

“Now what would a workshop about chocolate by without tastings?” Hikaru eyes sparkled. “We can also visit the rainforest exhibit after dark, which is always fascinating.”

“What’s our other choice?”

“Fish and chips for supper as we walk along the pier.” Hikaru felt relaxed and happy as they talked. “Followed by a laser light show to celebrate the beginning of the summer season.”

“Both are tempting, but let’s stay here and explore.” Ben said.

“And sample chocolate.”

“Of course.” Ben laughed.

“While we still have daylight, let’s go up on the living roof first. Or...” Hikaru began.

Ben cut him off. “The roof? I’ve been trying to get up there for months.”

“Generally only select museum staff are allowed on the roof. But if you have the right clearance...” Hikaru approached a docent near the entrance to the museum.

“Hikaru Sulu!” exclaimed the older woman. She gave him a hug. “How Starfleet’s best astrophysicist? Are you here for NightLife?”

“Hello, Yun. This is Dr. Benjamin Jung. He’s a visiting botanist and was hoping to examine the living roof.” Hikaru greeted the woman. “Any chance we can get a half hour up there? I’ll vouch for Dr. Jung and supervise his visit. We’ll stay on the paths.”

“Well...you know the ecology on the roof is delicate.” Yun seemed to struggle with making a decision before she moved to a computer and keyed in data. A card materialized in a small tray. “Oh, Hiki, anything for you, dear. But you must be cautious, and you’re responsible!”

“Thank you, Yun.” Hikaru said, bowing to her slightly.

“Hiki?” Ben asked as Hikaru slid the card into a slot near a door that read “Restricted.”

“My grandfather’s nickname for me. Did you hear my mother slip and call me that in the planetarium piece? No one noticed until production was complete so it stayed in. All the older museum staff began calling me Hiki.” Hikaru explained. “Welcome to the living roof. When it was planted in 2007, it was the first of its kind. Seven hills, 50,000 porous vegetation trays, 1.7 million plants, all edged by solar panels.”

“All the plants are native to this area of California. The roof is home to more than 1,000 species of native insects, some of which are extinct everywhere else in California.” Ben finished. He walked carefully along narrow paths installed to help protect the endangered species the roof sheltered. 

“The roof itself was built during a time when mainstream energy options depleted and damaged the Earth’s atmosphere. It was considered a ‘green’ energy saving facility.” Hikaru said.

“Look at the prunella! It’s a fantastic pollinator both for bees and butterflies.” Ben exclaimed. “What a beautiful example of it.” He continued to wander, excitedly pointing out one plant or another, gently inspecting an ongoing scientific experiment, examining the edge of one of the porous vegetation trays. His enthusiasm radiated from him like a kid at Christmas upon discovering Santa brought everything on his Christmas list.

After 30 minutes, Hikaru reluctantly told Ben they had to head back down to the museum. Ben used his PADD to snap a few pictures of a pigmy grasshopper sunning itself on a prunella and a cluster of wildflowers Hikaru wasn’t sure the name of before grasping Hikaru’s hand and walking back to the door. “You have no idea what this means, Hikaru. The Academy has allowed me to examine samples of the porous flats and has given me copies of their botanical research but has been unwilling to permit me access to the roof. Thank you.” When Hikaru turned to respond, he was greeted with a tender kiss. Ben slid his hands up Hikaru’s arms and murmured against his lips, “Mmm...kissing on the roof is even better.”

Hikaru laughed. “I’ll remember you’re a cheap date. C’mon, I don’t want to cause trouble for Yun.” 

In the time the two men were on the roof, a cash bar had been set up in the main hall of the museum. Hikaru bought them each a beer and led Ben toward another booth to register for the workshop and tour of the rainforest exhibit. “I got some shuttle simulation time in the last couple days” Hikaru started, giving Ben a sideways glance as they walked through the lobby to an appetizer station. “Dr. Savel would only give me clearance as a passenger, though.”

“Oh? How did that work out?” Ben popped a stuffed mushroom in his mouth. “Mmm...try this.” He passed one to Hikaru.

He sampled the mushroom before responding. “The first session ended badly because I asked helmsman I didn’t know. He ran us through a simulation that triggered my PTSD and wouldn’t end the sim when I asked. The second session was perfect. No panic at all. The helmsman who accompanied me is my ex. I didn’t know anyone else I trusted who had clearance.”

“Yeah? And he’s not struggling with the Nero incident?” Ben said.

“He was grounded due to lungworm.” Hikaru offered Ben a pear slice wrapped with prosciutto.

Ben nabbed another pear slice from Hikaru’s plate and repaid him with a kiss brushed across Hikaru’s cheek. He suddenly looked up. “The helmsman with lungworm you replaced on the _Enterprise_ is...”

“...my ex, yes.” Hikaru finished.

“And how did that go?” There was no jealousy in Ben’s tone or eyes. 

Hikaru wondered if there should be. He wondered if he wished there were. “Surprisingly less awkward than it could have been. That was the first time we’ve talked since autumn. His fiancé survived the Battle of Vulcan. They are talking about postponing their wedding until they both recover.”

“Mmm...” Ben’s face became thoughtful. “Do you think they will? Get married after all, I mean. Never mind. I’m projecting my own baggage. There’s a part of me that felt if Seth and I had married our relationship would have been different. But we simply weren’t meant to be together no matter what.”

Hikaru sipped his beer, marinating on Ben’s thoughts. “Ugh...sorry, Hikaru. That got gloomy fast. Let’s not let Seth and my inability to have a healthy relationship spoil our good time. What else have you been up to the last couple days?”

They talked about the budding standing Geskana games, Chekov’s loneliness and his subsequent staying with Hikaru for a few days, and Ben’s findings after two days in the lab with his wine samples. “Preliminary findings show a higher concentration of silicon oxide, among other elements in the wine made from the replicated vines.” Ben reported. 

Yun made the announcement for their group’s tour of the rainforest exhibit, so Ben and Hikaru deposited their beer bottles in a refresher and made their way to the exhibit entrance with ten other people. Ben gripped Hikaru’s hand. “I love this exhibit, but I’ve never thought to come to it at night. I know the big draw is the fauna, but of course I am fascinated by the flora. Some of it is highly protected and can now only be viewed in exhibits such as this.” His face shown in excitement. He narrated the journey through the three separate levels of the rainforest to Hikaru as their group moved further and further through the distinct ecosystems.

Following their tour of the rainforest exhibit came the chocolate workshop. It began with a table full of chocolate in its different stages of production, beginning with the cacao pod and ending with a large brick of bittersweet chocolate. The presenter explained the history of chocolate and why what most children eat contains very little chocolate. Samples of raw and roasted beans as well as cocoa butter were passed among the small group to feel and smell. Each person was given a small square of semi sweet chocolate to place on their tongue and allow to melt slowly in their mouths as the presenter explained the nature of the fat content in the final product. When the floor was open for questions Ben held his tongue as long as he could, allowing other people to pose their queries. Hikaru watched him practically vibrate in anticipation before he blurted out “In your expert opinion, have you found any significant differences in the taste or mouthfeel between replicated chocolate and non-replicated chocolate?”

The presenter narrowed his eyes a moment, obviously never having been asked such a question before admitting yes, yes he had. When the final person from the group drifted away from the sample table, Ben approached the presenter again and introduced himself. They stood talking long enough Hikaru slipped away to buy another drink and fill a plate with a selection of appetizers for them to share later. He then walked through some of the old familiar exhibits on the main floor. Ben found Hikaru in the gems and minerals exhibit. “Did you share some ideas with the chocolatier?”

“He’s a molecular biologist beginning study on the effects of replicated food on the human digestive system. We’re going to meet next week to compare notes.” Ben said.

“Does this mean you’re going to be completely incorrigible?” Hikaru teased.

Ben frowned slightly before perking up again. “Maybe. But I may be penitent if you share one of those shrimps with me. What’s the sauce on them?”

“You are incorrigible. The placard on the appetizer table said they were steamed shrimp with tarragon aioli. I saved these for you.” Ben made a hum of approval and Hikaru grinned.

“Your eyes shine like the stars themselves sometimes, did you know that?” Ben said, moving closer to Hikaru.

“So I’ve been told.” He grinned. “Ready for a drink? The bar looked like they had some interesting cocktails.”

Happy, sated, and mildly tipsy, Hikaru walked Ben home a couple hours later. Hikaru’s arm rested around Ben’s waist and Ben’s arm was draped over his shoulders. Hikaru nestled into the curve of their bodies, soaking in the warmth between them. A block from Ben’s house, a drizzly rain began to fall. “Are you going to invite me in out of the rain?” Hikaru bit his lower lip.

They stood at the gate to Ben’s courtyard. Ben shuddered. “Do you know how sexy it is when you do that?”

“Do what?” Hikaru asked. 

“Bite your lip like that.” Ben whispered hoarsely.

“Bite my lip? Really? The bad habit my mother has scolded me for my whole life?” Hikaru bit his lip again.

“Don’t bring your mother into this now.” Ben lowered himself near Hikaru’s face. A rivulet of rain dripped down his cheek and Ben leaned down to lick it off. “Not if you want to be invited in, at least.”

“I’ll not say another word that doesn’t have to do with you and me and your bed.” Hikaru ran his hands underneath Ben’s jacket and up his back. “As hot as you look in this shirt, preferably without it on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The living roof at the California Academy of Sciences is a real thing and most of the description of the roof as well as the rest of the facility comes from the CAS website: http://www.calacademy.org Visitors are currently allowed on the roof, so if you're ever in that area, it looks like it'd be well worth visiting.


	11. Chapter 11

Hikaru spent the next few weeks in a fairly predictable, but comfortable routine. Geskana games with Chekov and various former classmates; therapy sessions with Dr. Savel; and increasingly less gentle rides in a shuttle simulation. A couple evenings a week Chekov would stay in the guest house with Hikaru. They would play chess or watch a borrowed holovid or simply sit and talk. Chekov also relished in his conversations with the Vice-Admirals Sulu, both of whom he had as professors at the Academy.

Other evenings Hikaru spent with Ben finding new places in the city to explore, revisiting beloved places, eating at different restaurants. Once they spent hours after the Botanical Gardens closed walking among the flora. Ben told him about so many plants he couldn’t keep them all straight. And under tiny fairy lights and tulle strung up in a small gazebo, Ben kissed him with such fervor he thought in that moment he’d willingly never fly into the stars again in gratitude for that singular moment.

Nightmares continued, but panic attacks began to subside, much to Hikaru’s relief. Dr. Savel seemed encouraged, but would not yet give Hikaru clearance to fly at the helm of any ship, simulation or otherwise. McKenna was all too happy to help out in the simulator, and seemed to relish in the opportunity to do something other than bang around the quarters with Tarek. Starfleet medical had been reluctant to allow Kyle to return to active duty yet either, even on temporary assignment. Occasionally McKenna could convince Tarek to come along on shuttle rides as well. He would sit silently in a jump seat and tap Kyle’s shoulder if the enclosed space became too much for him. Then he’d pace the observation room until Hikaru and Kyle finished. 

“We barely speak anymore,” Kyle confided in Hikaru one day when Tarek opted to walk Academy grounds instead of flying with them. “All he does is sit in silence or walk the grounds or go to therapy. Even with high doses of anti-anxiety medication, he’s not getting better.”

“Maybe he needs something to hold on to.” Hikaru suggested. “He’s lost everything except you - his ship, friends and colleagues, his health - and you’re still sick too. Maybe he needs something sure. I mean, I can’t even look at my fencing gear right now or the anxiety begins to well up inside. And I’m struggling to be able to fly. But I’m making new friends with Ensign Chekov, and I’ve got Ben. What does Tarek have? He doesn’t even have the certainty you still want to commit to him. I’m sorry. It’s not my place....”

A week later Hikaru was included in a small group of Academy friends of Kyle and Tarek’s as they spoke their vows to each other in a private ceremony. Captain Hernandez of the _Stargazer_ presided. Tarek looked gaunt, but it was the first time Hikaru had seen him smile in a month. Kyle beamed with joy. They shyly kissed at the end of the ceremony and as the newly married couple greeted each guest, Kyle softly spoke to Hikaru. “You were right. Thank you.”

Hikaru invited Chekov to have dinner with he and Ben later that evening. Ben had been teaching him some simple cooking skills, and Hikaru felt Chekov would enjoy the company. Indeed, Chekov seemed to thrive on contact with other people. Ben prepared salmon filets while Hikaru minced shallots for a cream sauce. 

“Smaller. You want the shallots to melt down some in the sauce rather than be big obtrusive pieces. Like this, Star Shine." Ben wrapped his arms around Hikaru and placed a hand over his on the tang of the knife. His hand guided Hikaru's as they cut the shallot together.

"Star Shine?" Hikaru twisted his head to look at Ben.

He blushed. "It just came to me. It’s cheesy, isn’t it?"

"Maybe, but I like it." Hikaru turned completely in Ben's arms to kiss him. Ben sighed into Hikaru's mouth. Their bodies pressed together, and Ben slid a hand along Hikaru's neck. A PADD chimed behind them. Hikaru moaned in frustration. "Pavel has lousy timing."

Ben stepped back and straightened his shirt. "Just as well. Any later, he would have had worse timing. I'll go let him in. When the shallots are minced, rough chop the capers."

Pavel sat on the counter swinging his legs and regaling Ben with stories of Pavel's time at the Academy while Ben finished dinner. Ben chuckled and "hummed" in all the right places in Chekov's stories. As Hikaru listened to them talk, he raised the adjustable coffee table to a better height for eating and set out plates and utensils. Out of respect for Pavel who could not drink, Hikaru poured them each sparkling water. Dinner was a festive affair among the three of them. 

Chekov seemed excited and pleased at the company. He praised the salmon with shallot caper cream sauce, roasted dilled carrots, and spinach salad. "Iz all wery fresh and flavorful." He continued to exclaim.

"I have news." Hikaru announced during dinner. "Dr. Savel has cleared me to pilot a shuttle. Simulation at first, of course."

"Zat is great news!" Pavel said the same time Ben exclaimed, "Hikaru, I'm so happy."

"We're hopeful next week I can run starship sims. Chekov, I'm going to need a navigator." Hikaru added.

" _Da_ , of course. I will be navigator for any wessel you fly." Pavel said. Ben merely beamed across the table at him.

After dinner Ben served a buttermilk vanilla panna cotta he had made earlier in the day, which he topped tableside with the season's first blackberries. Once dinner, dessert, and several rounds of Durak, a card game Chekov claimed was a traditional Russian game were over, Hikaru kissed Ben goodnight in the courtyard while Pavel pretended not to watch. "See you tomorrow evening?" Ben whispered into Hikaru's hair.

" _Hai_. Thank you for making Pavel a nice dinner." Hikaru said. "He's so lonely some days."

"What holovid are you two going to watch back at your place?" Ben asked.

"Not sure yet. You're welcome to join us." Hikaru invited.

Ben shook his head. "Thanks, but I've got an article due tomorrow for the _Chronicle_."

“You should tell him.” Pavel said as he and Hikaru walked to the transporter.

“Tell him what?” Hikaru asked.

“Tell him you love him.” Pavel responded simply.

“I don’t...”

“You love him.” Pavel repeated. “People think I am only ‘sewenteen year old kid,’ but I see in your eyes. You look at him same way my _batya_ looked at my _matushka_. Same way Dr. McCoy looks at Kirk."

"And what if I do love him? We'll be off planet in another month and he'll be here on Earth. How does that help either of us?" Hikaru said in frustration.

Pavel shrugged. "All I know is when people love each other, zey make it work somehow. Even when _Matushka_ was wery ill, she and _Batya_ made it work."

"And what if he doesn't love me?" Hikaru asked as they stepped from the transporter near his parents' house.

"But he does." Pavel said. 

Hikaru let the subject drop. "What should we watch tonight?"

"I borrowed vintage science fiction holovid about wessels designed for first Earth Moon landings." Pavel suggested. "Is supposed to be based on true story."

Later as the two friends settled in for sleep, Hikaru called out to Pavel in the darkness. "McCoy and Kirk? Really? They spend an awful lot of time bickering with each other."

Pavel sighed. "You see nothing sometimes, Hikaru."


	12. Chapter 12

"Computer, run simulation HS Sulu 1203." Hikaru called out to the simulation computer. He strapped himself into the shuttle’s helm and ran a systems check, mentally ticking off each system in his head. "Mr. Chekov we're departing Earth headed to Jupiter's moon Io. We’ll will slingshot around it, and make a single orbit around Mercury before docking at Starbase One.”

"Aye, Mr. Sulu. Navigation ready." Chekov announced beside him.

Hikaru placed his hand on the yoke and took a deep breath. He'd flown this simulation countless times. It was the first off planet simulation his father let him run and one his father taught to countless freshman helmsmen. This should be a piece of cake. "All systems ready." The computer announced.

"You don't have to do this today." A voice came over the in-shuttle communicator. His father's voice. He wasn’t sure if inviting his father along was the best idea he’d ever had, but Hosato Sulu was now seated in the observation room.

Hikaru poked the communicator on the comm. "No time like the present." He glanced at Chekov. "Engage." His hand slid the yoke back. He could feel the shuttle rise into the skies of San Francisco. His heart began to race and he felt his breath go ragged. 

"Breathe, Mr. Sulu, and relax your grip on the yoke." His father commanded from the observation room. "Breathe."

"I am!" Hikaru snapped.

"You are not. You are allowing your anxiety to breathe for you." His father - no, Vice-Admiral Sulu - countered calmly. "Take a deep breath and let it out. You think you're the only Cadet who has let their anxiety take control?"

Hikaru fought the urge to grit his teeth, bit his bottom lip instead, and took in a lung full of air. Chekov nodded at him encouragingly as he let it out. "Mr. Chekov, course correction 1.529." He said with an even voice.

"Aye, Mr. Sulu."

An hour later Hikaru and Chekov worked together to dock the shuttle at Starbase One. "Steady. Steady." Hikaru whispered under his breath. "One quarter thrusters…and we're done." The shuttle lights went dark as the simulation ended.

Pavel whooped and clapped Hikaru on his back. "You did it, Hikaru. You did it!"

"Good job, Mr. Sulu." He heard his father say through the comm. "Good job, son."

The week was consumed with flying shuttle simulations. Near the end of the week, Hikaru, Chekov, and Vice-Admiral Sulu flew a starship from Starbase One to Risa and back without incident. "External inertial dampeners disengaged." Hikaru announced.

"In that case, Mr. Sulu, engage," replied Vice-Admiral Sulu with a small grin.

Dr. Savel agreed at the end of the week Hikaru could be cleared for in-atmosphere shuttle flights.

The first day up in a shuttle was almost like the first time Hikaru’s father let him take the helm. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Pavel sat next to him at navigation, Vice-Admiral Sulu sat in one of the jump seats behind them. Hikaru let out a whoop somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, and Pavel grinned wildly. Although he hadn’t been grounded, it was the first time he’d been in the air since the _Narada_ incident too. 

“Watch your altitude, Hikaru.” Hosato warned from his seat. Hikaru adjusted the altitude, and asked Pavel to make a minor course correction. They soared over the plains of the midwest and followed the Appalachian Mountain range up to New England where it became the Adirondacks. Turning back to San Francisco, Hikaru felt as though he’d been set free. Flying through the Grand Canyon was tempting, but he resisted the urge and landed a few short minutes later at the Starfleet docking station.

Now that Hikaru was cleared for flight - and hadn’t had a panic attack in ten days - Hikaru knew what he wanted to do. He wanted fly Ben a quiet spot in Palmer, Alaska he’d discovered a few years ago for a picnic lunch and an afternoon of hiking. Using a Starfleet shuttle for such an adventure was not an option, so Hikaru contacted Seb that afternoon. Seb agreed to rent his flame red retrofitted shuttle _Kailee_ on a weekday for a day trip to Alaska. “Saturday and Sunday are too busy for me, buddy.” Seb explained.

While Hikaru waited the three days before he and Ben could fly to Alaska, he immersed himself in flying, both starship simulations and shuttle flights. Pavel spent much of his time with Hikaru, but when he did not care to or could not, McKenna came along instead. Hikaru even convinced Uhura to serve as navigator during a starship sim one afternoon. Although she did not often fly, she was a skilled navigator. The day before their date, Hikaru and Pavel flew a shuttle to the East coast of the United States and back. This time he did give into temptation, and fly through the Grand Canyon.

“Adjust course settings 2.398, Chekov. How do you feel about trying a quick landing and takeoff from the South Rim of the canyon?” Hikaru asked.

“Aye, sir.” Chekov said.

The shuttle settled near the edge of a rim of the canyon. The two crewmen powered down the shuttle and went through a post-flight check. Hikaru opened the door of the shuttle and climbed out. Chekov followed, passing Hikaru a water bottle. “Are you okay, sir?”

“I’m fine. Good, actually. Isn’t it beautiful here?” Sulu peered off the edge of the rim before turning to Chekov. “Want to do something daring?”

“Like what, sir?” Chekov frowned.

“Let’s do a controlled flight dive off the cliff. I’ve done it hundreds of times in a simulator, but never in actuality.” Hikaru’s heart beat faster at the thought. For once it was an exciting sensation rather than one that filled him with dread. “The canyon floor is over a mile down here, and nearly 15 miles across. We’ve got plenty of space to pull up and move away.”

Chekov glanced over the edge too and grinned wildly. “ _Da_. Let’s.”

They raced each other back to the shuttle and began pre-flight preparations. Sulu called out coordinates to Chekov as he ran through calculations in his head. “Double-check me, Chekov, before you enter anything into the computer. We don’t want to pull up too late.”

Sulu could see Chekov practically bouncing in his seat. “Strap in, sir. Navigation ready.”

They glanced at each other. “Hold on to something.” Sulu grinned, pushing forward on the yoke. The shuttle rose in the air and as it cleared the edge of the canyon, he made a minor course correction and angled the shuttle downward. The shuttle skimmed a few hundred feet off the rock face, building speed as it dove. His heart beat wildly, not in anxiety or fear, but in building excitement. Adrenaline coursed through him. He felt....

“Huzzah!” Chekov shouted. His eyes were full of joy.

Yes, that’s exactly how Hikaru felt...full of joy.

“Huzzah!” Hikaru repeated, as he pulled back on the yoke and they swooped along the floor of the canyon before rising again.

The remainder of their short flight home from there was full of laughter and heady, panting breaths. “Mr. Sulu, zat was outrageous!” Chekov exclaimed over and over.

That night Hikaru went back to his empty guest house and slept the entire night nightmare free. Chekov reported the same the next morning.


	13. Chapter 13

“Mr. Sulu, am I to understand you flew a Federation shuttlecraft off the South Rim of the Grand Canyon into a deep dive and pulled out of it straight up the cliff face before returning to San Francisco?” Captain Pike thundered into Sulu’s communicator. 

Hikaru had been trying to pack a supplies for his date with Ben when Pike contacted him. He pushed himself straighter into the chair he sat in. “Yes, sir. It was a controlled dive I’ve performed countless times with no repercussions. Mr. Chekov and I checked the calculations twice before the flight.”

“You’ve performed that maneuver in a simulator! Never an actual shuttle. And you involved a junior officer!” Pike yelled. “What were you thinking, Lieutenant?”

“With all due respect, sir, I’ve been flying for the last 15 years, and I’ve been in a shuttle or simulator every day for the last two weeks. It was a training exercise I’m proficient at, and I involved one of the best navigators in the fleet.” Hikaru struggled to keep his temper. “You can verify my proficiency with Vice-Admiral Sulu if you wish.”

“Your father? I’m sure he’ll be unbiased.” Pike said sarcastically.

“Sir, again, with all due respect, when it comes to my skills at the helm of a ship, Vice-Admiral Sulu is not my father. He is my instructor and commanding officer. He will be the first to tell you as much.”

“You are a dangerous mix of both your parents. Fiery, stubborn, and worst of all, right most of the time.” Pike sighed. “Assignments are to due be set in the next couple weeks. Keep your nose clean the remainder of your medical leave.”

“Are you trying to tell me you’re still undecided on senior staff for the _Enterprise_ , sir?” Hikaru asked.

Pike reached up to adjust the control on his wall mount communicator screen. The image of him zoomed out. Hikaru startled when he saw Pike sitting in a wheelchair. “What I’m trying to tell you, Mr. Sulu, is I may not be the officer responsible for those assignments.”

Once Pike signed out, Hikaru threw the plaid wool blanket in his hands across the room. It landed against the far wall with an unsatisfying whomp. 

While he’d only been so for a day, Hikaru considered Pike his commanding officer, more so than Spock or Kirk. Spock’s pride interfered with his ability to unify the crew. Hikaru forgave Spock for his violent outburst Kirk provoked, but he wasn’t sure he could forgive him for marooning Kirk on Delta Vega.

On the other hand, even though he’d saved Hikaru’s life, Hikaru wasn’t convinced Kirk had what it took to be a captain. The two had entered Starfleet Academy two years apart, but because Kirk drove himself to finish in three years, Hikaru had had command classes with him. His arrogance and bravado were legendary.

Resigned there was nothing he could do about potential assignments today, Hikaru retrieved the blanket and folded it inside the backpack he planned to take on the trip. As he pulled on his Starfleet issued hiking boots, he heard Kirk’s voice in his head “Enterprise, beam us up!” just before the wave of nausea rolled over Hikaru, and he became aware he was gulping for breath.

“NO!” Hikaru screamed into the empty house. Hosato and Yoshiko were out. No one was home to guide him through the panic attack. With the last bit of rational energy he felt, Hikaru attempted to focus on his breathing. Deep breath in. Slowly release. His brain conjured up an image of Ben and his earth brown eyes fixed on his own. “Breathe, Hikaru,” he heard Ben’s gentle voice coax. “In...Out...In...Out.” When the panic subsided, Hikaru moved to the sink to pour a glass of water. 

His chrono indicated he needed to pick up Ben in thirty minutes. His plan had been to take a taxi there, but he knew he needed time to recover. As he sipped his water, he called for a taxi to arrive at Ben’s house instead and sent Ben a message. “ _Change of plans. Taxi to deliver you to airfield. Will meet you there. Don’t forget your hiking boots._ ”

After a tall glass of water, a handful of almonds for the protein, and a short rest on this couch, Hikaru gathered up his backpack and walked the few blocks to the nearest public transporter. He arrived at the airfield shortly before Ben’s taxi delivered him. Hikaru and Seb were performing the pre-flight check when Ben strode up to them. He greeted Hikaru with a quick, chaste kiss, which elicited a teasing “Get a room, Ben, jeez!” from Seb.

Ben laughed. “Like you’ve never seen that before!” Hikaru tried to smile at their easy banter, but couldn’t manage it. The two friends talked while Hikaru loaded their gear aboard the shuttle and entered their destination into the flight log. He also programed the autopilot for a return trip to the airfield. In the momentary privacy of the shuttle’s cockpit, Hikaru took a deep breath and plastered a grin on his face. He could hear Ben and Seb talking on the tarmac. “Alright, Seb I’m absconding with Ben and your shuttle now.” Hikaru announced, poking his head out the shuttle door. He looked at Ben in what he hoped came across as flirting. “That is if you’re still interested in coming along.”

Once Hikaru and Ben were settled in the cockpit, Hikaru turned to Ben. “Listen, this is important. I had a panic attack earlier, which is why I couldn’t pick you up.”

“Hikaru...” Ben began, reaching for Hikaru’s hand.

He didn’t shake Ben off, but he continued. “If I have another panic attack, the first thing you do is switch the controls to autopilot. It’s already programed to bring us back here.”

“But what about you?” Ben asked, stroking a thumb along the back of Hikaru’s hand.

“Autopilot first. Don’t try to talk me through a panic attack if nothing is flying the shuttle. Unless, of course, you want to become a permanent part of Mt. Saint Helens.” Hikaru said sternly. “Got it.”

Ben nodded. Hikaru took another deep breath and forced another smile. “I need my other hand back to fly.”

Ben chattered about the new collaboration between he and the molecular biologist they’d met at the museum several weeks back. The two scientists had begun sharing information and were working together on Ben’s experiments with the grape vines. Hikaru managed to “hum” and “oh” and “wow” in what he thought were appropriate places, but his thoughts continued to wander back to his early morning conversation with Captain Pike. 

“Hikaru, are you okay? We can fly again another day, you know?” Ben’s voice interrupted Hikaru’s thoughts about 30 minutes into their two hour trip.

“Mm? No, I’m fine.” Hikaru adjusted a setting on the helm.

“Really? What’s the last thing I said?” Ben countered.

“In addition to the higher silica count in the replicated wine, you’ve also found a higher amount of magnesium.” Hikaru said.

“I told you that 20 minutes ago! You responded with a despondent ‘oh.’ You also couldn’t muster up a smile when we met up and forced the next two as we took off. And, you’re biting your lip so hard you’re going to draw blood. So, what’s wrong?” Ben pressed.

“We’re coming up on Portland, Oregon. Shortly you’ll be able to see Mt. Hood, Mt. Rainier, and Mt. Saint Helens in the distance. I’ve done rough terrain training on Mt. Saint Helens.” Hikaru said.

“Hikaru....” Ben placed his hand gently on Hikaru’s knee.

Hikaru glanced at Ben, reprogrammed the autopilot, and turned it on. He turned in his seat. “I’ve lost the _Enterprise_.” He went on to describe the conversation with Captain Pike. “After all this time waiting, I was assigned to the _Enterprise_ as a fluke and my service aboard there will be a few short days. My claim to fame will be saving the Enterprise because I left the parking brake on.”

“Is that what the panic attack was about earlier?” Ben asked.

Hikaru cocked his head. “You’re not going to placate me with ‘Everything will be okay.’?”

“Will that help?”

“No.”

“Then, no. What I will tell you is I’ve seen you bust your ass for the last several weeks to get flight clearance again, and any captain reviewing your records would be foolish not to consider you for an assignment.” Ben moved his hand from Hikaru’s knee to his cheek. “Now, we have a full day of flying, hiking, and picnicking planned. If you’re not up for it today, let’s turn back to San Francisco. We can reschedule for next week.”

“No, no. Just...give me a couple minutes.” Hikaru unbuckled his safety belt and moved to the back of the shuttle. He paced in the small space best he could, stretching his shoulders and taking a couple cleansing breaths. “You missed the mountains.” He said upon returning to the cockpit.

“I’ve seen the mountains before. What I haven’t done is seen them with you.” Ben said. “We’ll catch them on the return trip.”

Hikaru glanced at Ben with a small grin. He felt a surge of emotion well up inside. Maybe Pavel was right. Maybe they did love each other. Maybe they could make a committed relationship work. Starfleet guaranteed shore leave on an officer’s home planet once every six months. And there were other opportunities to return to Earth. 

“Okay, now you’re grinning at me like a lo...like you’ve had too much to drink.” Ben laughed. “Keep an eye on your instruments.”

“Aye, Captain.” Hikaru teased.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All flora mentioned is native to Alaska. The geography is as close as I could get it based on several websites about hiking in Alaska. And Palmer is a real town near the base of the mountains.

A car waited for the two men at the airfield. Ben loaded their gear in the car while Hikaru secured the shuttle and completed flight logs. The sky was clear and bright and perfect for hiking the Lazy Mountain Trail, a strenuous hike to the summit of the mountain. There were a few opportunities to picnic among native wildflowers along the way.

“We need to stop in town first to pick up our lunch. I placed an order with a local sandwich shop known for all natural ingredients. They’ve assured me nothing is replicated.” Hikaru said as they climbed in the car.

The hostess at the restaurant greeted Hikaru warmly. “It’s not often we get a takeout order all the way from San Francisco or two days in advance. Your date must be something special.”

“We’re just friends.” Hikaru responded while he tucked the takeout containers in a backpack.

The hostess cocked her head. “If you say so, dear. Have a good time on the mountain.”

A short drive later, the car delivered Ben and Hikaru to the base of the Lazy Mountain Trail. Hikaru thanked the driver and informed him he would contact the company when they were ready to be picked up. Ben adjusted the pack with the food and his essential items on his back, looping the strap to a camera around his neck. “You don’t mind if I take some photos along the way, do you? Photography is an interest I pick up and put back down again occasionally.”

“That’d be fun. I’d love to have some images to look back on once....” Hikaru faded off. He found he didn’t want to think about the impending moment when he’d board a starship and Ben would stay behind. Instead he picked up his hiking pole. “Starfleet Academy often has rough terrain training on this mountain. I’ve been out here a couple times. Shall we get started?”

“Lead the way.” Ben picked up his hiking pole and followed Hikaru.

The temperatures and long days of sunlight had been perfect for an abundance of wildflowers along the trails and mountainside. As was his custom any time the two were together outdoors, Ben pointed out different plants to Hikaru as they walked and told of their importance or usefulness. Hikaru inclined his head slightly toward Ben, listening closely to the monologue of information. He had learned he treasured these moments Ben would point out an unusual example of flora. These moments Ben’s voice carried such passion and excitement. Occasionally along their hike Ben stopped to take a few macro photos of an interesting flower or leaf or a wide angle of their stunning views.

Upon Ben’s fifth exclamation of “more mountain sorrel!” Hikaru laughed. “You are like a kid in a candy shop. Is there anything that dampens your spirits?”

“I’m sorry. Would you rather me be more somber?” Ben frowned.

“Not on your life. I enjoy your enthusiasm. It’s infectious.” Hikaru took up Ben’s hand.

But Hikaru noticed Ben seemed to become more introspective and quiet for several minutes. It wasn’t until he discovered a patch of yukon groundsel nestled near a bench, he became excited again.

At 1230, with the sun high in the sky and a slight sheen of sweat beading up on both the men’s faces, they stopped for lunch near a small grove of trees. Spreading out the blanket at the edge of the shade, Hikaru watched Ben retrieve the food from his pack. Ben carried himself with a subtle strength earned by moving pallets of plants and bags of dirt as well as his years of taekwondo. A small layer of softness in his arms, legs, and (delicious) middle hid muscles gained from manual labor as opposed to regimented gym sessions. Hikaru admired how the muscles across Ben’s chest flexed as Ben stretched to relieve stiffness from carrying a backpack the first part of their trip.

“What are you looking at?” Ben frowned, catching Hikaru watching.

“The way your shirt pulls tight across your chest when you stretch.” Hikaru said.

To Hikaru’s surprise, Ben frowned further and visibly stiffened. “I know. I need to lose some weight.”

“That’s not what I meant. I was admiring your chest. But it’s your body.” Hikaru started carefully. “For now, come sit with me.” Ben kneeled over Hikaru reclining on the blanket. Hikaru gripped his shirt and pulled Ben further down to kiss him until Hikaru could feel Ben relax against him.

Breaking away, he leaned his forehead against Hikaru’s. “You like my chest?”

“Among other things, yes.” Hikaru whispered. He nudged his nose against Ben’s. “Let’s eat, huh?”

Sandwiches, fruit, and a homemade hummus dip were unpacked. Ben smiled when we unwrapped his sandwich. “Roast beef?”

“Roast beef, swiss, caramelized onion, roasted red pepper, tomato, and a jalapeno feta spread. It’s the deli’s specialty. Seemed like something you’d enjoy.” Hikaru unwrapped his own sandwich. “Mine is albacore tuna salad with swiss chard, garlic scapes, carrots, olives and a dressing of mayo, dijon, and balsamic. Want a bite?”

They traded bites of sandwiches, sampled the hummus, and wrestled their forks in the fruit salad to spear the fruits they each liked best. “Did you know Palmer consistently holds the world record for largest vegetables grown?” Ben asked, swiping a piece of pineapple from Hikaru’s fork.

“I did, actually, know that. It’s due to the cooler temperatures and eighteen hour summer days. A gardener on the town limits once produced a two hundred pound cauliflower.” Hikaru popped the last blueberry in his mouth. At Ben’s pout, Hikaru ran a thumb across Ben’s lip. “Okay, I confess. I looked up a few botanical facts about Palmer yesterday. It was worth it to see your adorable sulk.”

Ben pushed aside the empty sandwich container, and stretched out on the blanket. “That was delicious. Thank you, Hikaru. I know you don’t eat much red meat. It was nice of you to get me roast beef anyway.”

Leaning over him, Hikaru said “Me not caring for meat, doesn’t preclude you from enjoying it,” and pecked him on the lips. “May I fiddle with your camera a moment? Aiko is the the photographer in my family, but I’d like to see if I can capture the view anyway.”

Ben made a “mmm” of agreement and turned on his side to retrieve the camera. The view Hikaru wanted to capture was Ben with his long legs over the edge of the blanket and his face sated and peaceful. The date had begun rough with Hikaru’s disappointment in losing the _Enterprise_ , but after talking with Ben, the day had been mostly carefree. He wanted a small memento of Ben and the date just in case the last time they saw each other was the day Hikaru boarded a shuttle for Starbase One and whatever starship he was assigned to. Hikaru snapped a few images of nearby Matanuska Mountain, the horizon, and a field of wildflowers before turning the camera Ben’s direction. Ben lounged on the blanket watching Hikaru. A starling flying overhead caught Ben’s attention. Hikaru took that moment of distraction to snap a photograph of Ben. Using the camera’s communication capabilities, he sent it to his personal PADD.

Hikaru’s heart nearly burst at the idea of leaving Ben in a few weeks. The desire to confess his love - something he knew for certain now - overwhelmed him. “Ben?” Hikaru said. Ben turned his attention away from the starling and his earth brown eyes met Hikaru’s with question on his face. “I...uh...” No, it wasn’t fair to Ben. “You ready to finish our hike? We’ve got another hour to the summit.”

They packed up the lunch containers and water bottles. Hikaru shook out the blanket, before folding it and placing it in his pack. Ben looped the camera around his neck again, and after Hikaru gathered his hiking pole, they set out up the trail. This portion of the trail was steeper and more intense, which lead to less conversation. The silence was punctuated now and again with an exclamation about a new plant discovery or request for water, but for the most part the men walked in comfortable silence. Hips bumped against hips or one would reach for the other to help guide over a rock facing.

*****

“Want to take the helm for a couple minutes while I get water from the pack?” Hikaru asked Ben on the flight back to San Francisco. “Just keep her steady on the current course.”

“I...I’ve never taken the helm before.” Ben stuttered. 

“Never?” Hikaru was surprised. He knew flying wasn’t Ben’s skill, but he thought Seb had at least had Ben take the helm for a moment here and there. Ben shook his head. “Okay. Slide over here.” Hikaru unbuckled the safety belt and readjusted his seat.

“What are you doing?” Ben quizzed.

“Come sit in front of me.” Hikaru said. He switched on autopilot while Ben reluctantly shuffled to the helm in front of Hikaru. It was a tight fit, but Seb was tall, so the seat had been modified for his long legs.

“This isn’t a good idea.” Ben fretted. “What if we wreck Seb’s shuttle? What if you have a panic attack?”

“Autopilot is set for the airfield in San Francisco. Any problems, release the controls and hit autopilot immediately.” Hikaru wrapped his arms around Ben, who was visibly nervous, and whispered in his ear. “It’s okay. You’re in good hands. I’d never let anything happen to you. Let’s look over the controls first.” Each control was named and described thoroughly. Ben’s hair brushed Hikaru’s cheek as he leaned over Ben’s shoulder. He could feel Ben begin to relax against his body. “Ready to turn off autopilot?”

“Okay.” Ben’s voice was shaky, and he leaned further into Hikaru. He cleared his throat. “Yes, I’m ready.”

He reached up to touch the autopilot control. “Good. Now take the yoke. Hold it steady. Mount Hood is straight ahead on the horizon. Keep a straight path toward it. Pull back to adjust your altitude.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Ben muttered. “Are you sure we’re not going to crash?”

“You’re doing great. No one is crashing today.” Hikaru said against the side of Ben’s face. He could feel Ben smile.

They flew squeezed together in the helm’s seat with Hikaru wrapped around Ben for the next forty-five minutes. Ben’s confidence grew the further they flew. As they approached San Francisco they shuffled back to two seats so Hikaru could begin landing sequence. He missed the warmth of Ben’s back against his chest; he could live a lifetime and never get tired of that sensation. Hikaru, nonetheless, moved into all business to contact the airfield and request approach.

“I’ll get the packs and call a taxi while you file your post-flight reports, yeah?” Ben said. He stooped in the cockpit to kiss Hikaru and nuzzle against his nose before moving to open the shuttle door.

The flight record PADD slid neatly from its slot on the control panel. While Hikaru began filling out his report, he could hear Seb and Ben’s voices float up from the tarmac. The words were indiscernible. Something about lunch, and then another word - “summit.” The voices faded, and Hikaru assumed they had walked away from the shuttle. Another few minutes and he would join the two friends below. He wondered if they’d both like to get a beer with him. “Taxi is here!” Ben called up the shuttle’s boarding ramp.

“...gotta tell him.” Hikaru heard Seb say.

“...not today.” Ben said.

“Seriously, dude...” Seb’s voice drifted too quiet for Hikaru to hear the rest of the sentence.

Hikaru sat in thought a moment. Was this something he should question? Was Ben and Seb’s conversation even about him? And what was so important Seb seemed to be pressing Ben on the issue? Grabbing up the PADD and his jacket, Hikaru decided whatever it was, he and Ben didn’t owe each other anything. If Ben felt he needed to say something to Hikaru, he’d do so when he was ready.

Hikaru jumped off the edge of the boarding ramp and tossed the PADD to Seb. “Given my history of panic attacks, I set the autopilot as a safeguard, although we did use it on the way up for a few minutes to have a conversation, and on the way back to to adjust the seats.”

“I hope ya cleaned the seats after your ‘conversation.’” Seb said.

Used to the joking in Ben’s group of friends now, Hikaru laughed and said “What kind of guy do you think I am? You two want to grab a beer or something?”

He almost missed the quick glance between Ben and Seb. Ben approached him, though, and wrapped his arms about Hikaru’s waist. “Thank you for a wonderful day, Hikaru.” Ben whispered in his ear. He nuzzled Hikaru’s hair. “Seb...uh...”

“Dude, any other time.” Seb spoke up. “But I was hopin’ to steal Ben away this evening. Ivy is down from Napa until tomorrow afternoon.”

“You understand, Hikaru?” Ben asked. 

Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he? What he didn’t understand was the small shifts in Ben’s actions today. The apologies. The insecurity about his weight. The almost hurt silence after Hikaru’s teasing. Even the pieces of conversation he overheard moments ago. Perhaps now that they were becoming more comfortable with each other Ben allowed these parts of him to show, although Hikaru wasn’t convinced. “You two have fun with Ivy and tell her hello for me. Do you still want to meet up tomorrow after my Geskana game?”

“Absolutely! Want to meet at the park?” Ben asked.

Plans made, Hikaru took a transporter home, where he chose to avoid his parents and spend the evening reading a introductory book on botany he’d borrowed from the Academy library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap! A chapter with only one italic in it! I hate coding the italics.


	15. Chapter 15

Pavel managed to convince Kirk, McCoy, and Uhura to join them for their Geskana game. Even Spock came out partway through the game and sat nearby. He remained quiet, reading on his PADD most of the time, but looked up to offer Uhura a short nod of the head and a hint of a smile from time to time. The day was unseasonably cool, and a fog covered the city.

“How’s he doing?” Hikaru asked Uhura during a timeout. He continued to think about his conversation yesterday morning with Captain Pike and wondered if Spock might be in consideration for the captaincy. But he also was genuinely concerned for all the Enterprise crew. Regardless of his opinions of any of them, they had all experienced a great trauma that would always bind them together.

“Spock still mourns, but like the rest of us, he’s improving. He and Ambassador Spock have been in communication the last two weeks. There is some conversation they will both join the other refugees on New Vulcan once a suitable planet can be located.” Uhura said with a small crack in her voice.

“Will you go too?” He glanced at Spock sitting serenely in the grass.

Uhura shook her head. “My place is with Starfleet.”

The six of them gathered backpacks, Geskana sticks, and water bottles after the game. Their team had won, and while it was only a friendly game, something about the way they all worked together had Hikaru’s adrenaline pumping.

“To paraphrase the late Commander Tucker, this game would be best played indoors and with a glass of bourbon.” McCoy groused. 

“Bones, I didn’t know you knew anything about Starfleet history, and here you are quoting the first chief engineer of the _Enterprise_.” Kirk said. “About a Geskana game, no less.”

“Iz good game.” Pavel added. He jumped in place, allowing his youthful energy and easygoing manner to radiate from him.

McCoy snorted. “Someone had to pay attention in classes when you were off reprogramming the _Kobayashi Maru_. As for you, Mexican jumping bean,” He pointed at Pavel. “Gimme a cord of wood to chop for the exercise over this nonsense any day.”

Pavel and Kirk both smiled; Hikaru suspected for different reasons. 

“Geskana is a worthwhile game, Chekov.” Uhura said. “I prefer running or martial arts, but this was a good change of pace.” 

“Indeed.” Spock said. “Should you invite me again, Mr. Chekov, I would be agreeable to participate.”

“Dammit, Jim, put your shirt back on. You’ll catch your death in the cool air today.” McCoy said.

Kirk laughed. “Bones, you’re a doctor, not an old wife. You know better than anyone here I cannot get sick from being underdressed in cool air. Besides, it’s not that cold. Spock, back me up here.”

“It is illogical for me to become involved in this dispute. If you’ll excuse us. Nyota and I have plans for dinner.” Spock intoned.

Uhura brushed a parting kiss across Hikaru’s cheek and gave Pavel a quick hug. As Spock and Uhura walked away together Ben arrived dressed in running apparel and a backpack slung over his shoulder. Hikaru turned to introduce him to McCoy and Kirk who continued to quibble about Kirk’s shirt, or lack thereof. “Good God, kid, if you insist on going bare-chested...” McCoy mumbled something Hikaru didn’t catch while McCoy picked up Kirk’s shirt and draped it over Kirk’s right shoulder, but not before Hikaru spotted a fresh bruise ringed with teeth marks. Pavel spotted it too and inclined his head to Hikaru in a silent note that hinted at “Told you.”

“You were on the Enterprise with Pavel and Hikaru too?” Ben asked McCoy.

“As insane as it sounds, yeah. Rather keep my feet on the ground, but this guy...” McCoy pointed to Kirk, “insists on life in space.”

“Understand. I spent six months on the _Bradbury_. There wasn’t much I liked about space travel.” Ben agreed.

They chatted a moment while Hikaru gathered his things and made plans to meet Pavel the next day for a shuttle flight. “Ready?” Hikaru finally asked, wrapping his arm around Ben’s waist. Kirk cocked his head in curiosity but said nothing.

“You missed Spock and Uhura.” Hikaru said to Ben. They walked out of the park and turned toward Ben’s house. “Uhura has navigated for me a few times. She’s a communications expert, but she’s certainly multi talented.”

“I passed them as I came into the park. They make an attractive couple. Both are beautiful.” Ben said. If he said it flatly and a little sadly, Hikaru was too absorbed by his state of excitement to notice.

“If you like women or Vulcans, I suppose.” Hikaru continued to ramble. He felt as though he’d had too much coffee and it felt...good. “And of course, Kirk is the one who dove off the drilling platform after me when I fell. Seemed like you had good conversation with McCoy.” 

“Mmm...” Ben mumbled. “Anyone would be lucky to have Kirk as a partner. He’s handsome.”

“I’ve never thought about it. He has the reputation of being a Casanova. Not my style.” Hikaru said. The adrenaline from the game still coursed through Hikaru. 

Walking through Ben’s front door Hikaru appraised Ben who moved to the corner of the room to set his bag down near the stairs. The running shorts Ben wore showed off his lean legs and the shirt clung to his chest in a way that made Hikaru want to push Ben down onto the couch. He did so with a sudden movement and climbed on top of Ben, straddling his legs. Their groins slotted together and Hikaru rolled his hips forward to feel more of Ben against him. Their lips met. More accurately, Hikaru pressed his lips against Ben’s, sliding his tongue between lips, searching and tasting. Hikaru knew he was being more aggressive than normal, but the adrenaline spike spurred him on. 

He loved Ben; he knew it in his heart. If he couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud, he wanted to say it with his body. He wanted Ben to feel every thrust, every pulse, every vibration, every slide of their bodies together, every heartbeat. Hikaru moved his hands from either side of Ben’s shoulders to the back of Ben’s neck and tugged the hair at the nape. He rolled his hips again, pressing his aching hardness against....

Ben was slack. He sat on the couch like a ragdoll with his hands limp at his sides. Sloppy, wet, demanding kisses were returned with halfhearted reciprocation. The length between his legs lay motionless and pliant. Hikaru suddenly understood the passive consent was all so wrong. He pulled back, releasing the dominant hold on Ben’s neck and placing them on his own knees to support himself. “What’s wrong?”

Ben opened his eyes and looked in Hikaru’s direction, but did not meet his gaze. “Nothing. Sorry. Nothing’s wrong.” He leaned forward to brush his lips across Hikaru’s. Submissive hands slid up Hikaru’s arms. “See? Everything is alright.”

Hikaru responded to the kiss, deepening, demanding. He stripped off Ben’s shirt and ran his hands over the warm chest. When Ben brought his hands down, they moved again to motionlessly fall to his side. “Okay...no.” Hikaru twisted to roll off Ben and sit on the couch beside him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Listen, Ben, I can play the dominant to your submissive if that’s what you want. But you’re not submissive. You’re not even present.” Hikaru said.

“I’m sorry. I’ll do better. Here.” Ben reached for Hikaru, but Hikaru stopped him.

“No. This isn’t working today, and that’s okay. Stay here. I’ll be back in a couple minutes.” Hikaru walked into the kitchen and poured two large glasses of water. He then rummaged through the refrigerator for ingredients. Sliced baguette toasted while Hikaru arranged a few slices of cheese, some leftover hard salami, a handful of almonds, a few olives, and a sliced apple on a platter. He brought everything into the living room on a tray Ben kept hanging from the end of the cabinets.

“Here. You’re the chef, but I can put together a decent antipasto plate.” He said, sitting back down beside Ben. “Hope it’s okay I used the last of the baguette on the counter.”

Ben’s eyes were distant, but a flicker of gratitude passed over his face. “No wine?”

“I need to rehydrate, but I’ll get you a glass if you’d like. White or red?” Hikaru took a long sip of water before standing again.

“It doesn’t matter. Whatever you think.” Ben’s voice was soft and resigned and completely out of character. Hikaru studied him for a long moment, but after receiving no other comment or request, he returned to the kitchen.

Most a bottle of prosecco Ben had taught him would cut the fattiness of the cheese and almonds was in the refrigerator. And Ben seemed to like prosecco. Hikaru understood Ben was distraught about something. He struggled to understand what, or if he should even push Ben to talk to him about it. Ben had encouraged Hikaru to talk yesterday morning, and while it hadn’t solved any problems, he’d been glad to have the conversation. Standing at the window, Hikaru watched the bubbles rise up in the fluted glass when a memory came to mind.

_“Did she hit you too?” Hikaru heard McCoy say. He and Kyle had been sitting together at the counter of a breakfast dive near the Academy their last year. Their relationship had just begun transitioning from friendship to something more. Hikaru could feel Kyle’s leg bump against his as he stared into a glass of sparkling water trying not to blush at the newness of the sensation._

_McCoy and Kirk sat to his left with a blond woman Hikaru barely knew on the medical track with McCoy. “No” the woman jutted her chin defiantly, “she only spoke poorly to me. That’s not so bad, right?”_

_“Dammit, Christine!” McCoy thundered. “You’re too smart for this!”_

_“Bones, victim blaming isn’t going to help.” Kirk spoke softly. “Christine, she did more than speak poorly to you a few times. She controlled you. No one has the right to do what she did to another person. Please let McCoy help you get assigned a therapist.”_

_Christine lowered her eyes. “But Jim, she was just looking out for me. That’s what she told me. When she insisted I lose weight because my skirts were too tight. When she ordered my food. She even decided when we’d...you know. So I didn’t have to think about those things.”_

Hikaru thought back. Ben’s odd comment about his weight yesterday. Apologizing for rambling about the flora. The bit of the conversation he overheard yesterday. The cryptic statement from Ivy at the wine festival. _“He’s had a hard several years...”_ rang in his head.

“Hikaru?” Ben interrupted his thoughts. He stood in the kitchen entrance wrapped in a familiar and favorite chenille throw. It was a ratty and faded thing Ben often produced it from the storage room on chillier evenings. A small patch of bare skin peeked out of the top of the throw. Hikaru could tell he had not put his shirt back on.

Anger replaced the adrenaline high Hikaru had felt earlier. Not at Ben, but at Seth. Hikaru took several deep breaths before he could turn to Ben and ask calmly “Did he hit you too, Ben?” His voice felt hollow.

“I don’t know what you mean....”

“Seth...it was an abusive relationship, wasn’t it?” Hikaru approached slowly. “There’ve been signs along the way, but I’ve been too wrapped up in my own stuff to pick up on it.”

“I...I...”

Hikaru reached for the prosecco and led Ben out of the kitchen. In the living room, Hikaru set the glass on the tray before maneuvering Ben back onto the sofa. “Do you want to put your shirt on?”

At the shake of Ben’s head, Hikaru grabbed the heavier quilt kept folded on a low shelf in the corner and covered Ben with it as well. He tucked underneath the quilt beside Ben, pulling him close. They half sat, half lay together on the couch in silence, Ben curled up in the throw, the comforter, and Hikaru’s arms. Occasionally Ben snuffled or shifted slightly. In his time, he finally spoke. His voice was quiet and shaky. “Seth hit me...beat me up...once. When I told him I took the assignment on the Bradbury and needed a break. Even with my Taekwondo training, he caught me off guard. Got in a good punch that landed me on the floor and kicked me in the ribs twice before I could react. He broke my nose and three ribs.”

“The first few months were perfect. Seth was fun and interested in my work and it was a whirlwind romance. He convinced me to put this house in both our names three months into our relationship. That should have been my first clue. ‘Don’t be stupid,’ he’d said. ‘You can’t pay for this house on your own.’ I could have, actually. Once we moved into the house together, my weight was always an issue. The garden was a waste of my time. The world was always out to get Seth, and I was responsible for his emotions.” Ben fell silent for a moment. “I reluctantly agreed to let him live in the house while I was on the Bradbury because he assured me he’d care for the garden. By the time I’d returned from the Bradbury, he’d killed off everything in the back and poured the large patio I recently dug up. He was in the process of pulling up everything in the courtyard. He refused to move out. He said I told him he could keep the house. My house. Ivy put me up at the inn during the court battle. What won the case for me were Ivy, Laurent, and Seb who had been keeping documentation of abuse for three years. They hadn’t been able to convince me to leave him, but they’d been looking out for me anyway.” Ben’s voice broke into a small sob.

“I...I saw him the other day. He has a new boyfriend. I could see the hollowness in this guy’s face that I’d felt when I was with Seth.” Ben stopped. “I’m ready for something to drink and a bite of food.”

Hikaru adjusted his position to move the coffee table closer. Ben drank a large mouthful of prosecco. He then examined the tray of food. “You do put together a decent antipasto platter. That’s your job that the next time we host Pavel.” He said with a small smile. Ben fixed a piece of toast with a slice of cheese and salami. “Yesterday was so wonderful, Hikaru. And I wanted...wanted to stay with you last night so much....”

A realization dawned on Hikaru. “Spending time with Seb and Ivy was a lie, wasn’t it?”

Ben poked an olive before picking it up between his fingers. He popped it into his mouth and chewed slowly as if savoring, but Hikaru understood he was gathering his thoughts. “Yes.” Ben simply said. “I’m sorry. I was irrationally afraid. Seb lied for me often to Seth.”

“Oh, Ben....” Hikaru pulled them both back down into a lounging position. Tucking Ben’s head under his chin, Hikaru kissed his hair. Even with the chilly day, it was overwarm under the quilt with Ben wrapped around his body, but Hikaru didn’t move. He thought about the last two months with Ben and how Ben had talked him through panic attacks or woken him out of nightmares. He thought how they met, bumping into each other, and the compassion Ben had for Hikaru even then. Hikaru knew he wanted to be the person for Ben that Ben had been for him. Starfleet and starships and strange new worlds be damned. With a jolt Hikaru realized Ben was worth making the effort. Hikaru peppered more kisses into Ben’s hair, the only part of him Hikaru could reach in their position.

“I want to plant kisses like seeds on your body so when they grow you can know how much I love you.” The words came out before he even realized they were on his lips. The sentiment felt so right to say, but the timing could have only been worse if he'd said it just before boarding a transport shuttle to Starbase One. “Don’t respond to that. Not now. Not today. Not while you’re fragile and raw.” Hikaru said quickly. 

Ben twisted and pulled himself into a position to face Hikaru. “It wouldn’t matter if I were fragile and raw or feeling strong and self-confident, Hikaru. I love you, too. I’ve been debating with myself for a week now whether or not I should tell you, wondering if you felt the same way. We did agree to keep this thing between us casual.”

“Is this what Seb insisted yesterday you tell me? I wasn’t eavesdropping; I wasn’t even paying attention. I’d moved to the entrance of the shuttle just as Seb said you had to tell me something.” Hikaru said.

“He told me I should tell you everything - the abuse, my fears, and that I love you.” Ben said. “Oh, that is so nice to say.”

“It’s nice to hear.” Hikaru leaned his forehead against Ben’s. “It’s lovely to hear.”

With little warning Ben was over Hikaru, pushing him back against the arm of the couch, crushing him under Ben’s full weight. Ben’s mouth covered Hikaru’s in much the same as Hikaru’s had covered Ben’s earlier. “No. Ben, no. Not like this. I...don’t want you to feel we have to have sex because we confessed to each other. I don’t want you to feel I expect it.”

“Don’t you?” Ben asked. His eyes were moist and his voice quivered slightly.

“Expect it? No. Want it...want you? Yes. Just not like this.” Hikaru said. “It’s early and I’m hungry. Let’s...” He moved so they were both sitting up again and stripped the quilt off him to gather it in his arms. “Put your shirt on. Let’s go out to the back yard. I’ll get the blankets. Will you grab the food?”

There was a patch of rough grass among the scattered plants Ben had been replanting, the bare dirt, and bags of rich soil. Hikaru spread the quilt out on the grass, then took the tray of food from Ben so he could settle on the quilt. “At some point I need to know what things trigger you so I can try to avoid them. For now, though, tell me what your plans are for here in the back.” Hikaru settled on the quilt as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I promise to plant kisses like seeds on your body, so in time you can grow to love yourself as I love you._ ~Three Wishes by Liane Moriarity.


	16. Chapter 16

It turned out the two men lay on the patch of grass, ate cheese, and drank wine, and talked all night. Ben retrieved the bottle of prosecco from the kitchen at one point. The air continued to grow cool enough Ben’s throw did not keep them warm so Hikaru made a dash upstairs for the comforter off the bed at another point. The early summer sun set behind the fog, casting a watery grey pink light over the yard.

In the end they did talk about events or emotions that triggered Ben when he allowed himself to admit he felt he could never measure up to the senior officers of the _Enterprise_. “How can you be with me when all of your crew mates are so attractive? Uhura is stunningly beautiful, as well as Spock for that matter. Kirk has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen and the physique of an underwear model. Even Pavel is handsome.”

“Okay, one, Uhura may be beautiful, but I’ve never been attracted to women. Two, Spock is too proud and too logical. Three, Kirk? Please...Mr. Perfect Hair who has probably never had a serious relationship in his life? No. Four, Pavel is a child.” Hikaru said. “And before you bring up McCoy, he’s the epitome of a grumpy old man. Besides I love the way you look. I love your eyes, the color of earth and chocolate and mahogany. I love your freckled shoulders and your windswept hair. I love the strength in your arms and legs and the softness of your stomach...”

“Not my stomach. It’s chunky and bloated. I can’t help it. I enjoy food too much.” Ben said sadly.

Hikaru ran a hand across Ben’s stomach. “Especially your stomach. The smoothness of your skin and the softness of the flesh that gives way to muscle below. The way it tenses when I touch you in just the right places. The light patch of hair...”

“Hikaru...” Ben grabbed his hand. “This is one of those triggers you were talking about earlier. I’m sensitive about my appearance and my weight. The compliments are appreciated, and eventually I may begin to believe you when offer them. At the moment, though, my brain tells me you're over-reaching to manipulate me.”

The first reaction that ran through Hikaru’s mind was to protest and assure Ben his intentions were genuine. His second reaction was to jerk his hand away and apologize. Instead he reached for his third reaction - a still, steady hand on Ben’s stomach and a chaste kiss against Ben’s shoulder near where Hikaru’s head lay. “Okay. What else do you need from me?”

Ben remained silent for several long minutes. From the look on his face, it was obvious he struggled to find the courage to continue the conversation. “The thing you did earlier on the couch. When you pushed me down.” He said finally. “I never knew when Seth would want sex or why he wanted it. Sometimes it was about control. Sometimes it was about anger. Rarely it was because he wanted me. Tonight, a ‘I want to push you down on the couch and kiss you senseless,’ would have been welcome and helpful.”

“So you need some sort of notice?”

“That sounds so clinical, but yes. I need an opportunity to say no if I want to.” Ben said. His dark eyes stared at the darkening sky.

“I don’t know if it means anything, but tonight I wanted you. I know I was hopped up on endorphins, but I wanted you. Not control. Not to release my anger or anxiety or stress.” Hikaru said.

“It means everything, Hikaru.” Ben responded. Hikaru looked at Ben and smiled. “Shooting star!” Ben exclaimed.

The night sky was soon peppered with meteors for several long seconds. “Huh. New debris field. Meteor showers don’t normally appear around this time. I hope Starfleet will release the data. I’d love to take a look at it later.”

Ben laughed. “You can’t just sit back and enjoy the magic, can you?”

Hikaru pouted, but there was a glint of amusement behind his eyes. “You can take the astrophysicist out of space, but he’s still an astrophysicist.”

“What inspired you to become an astrophysicist? Besides your mother?” Ben asked.

They were lying flat on their backs, limbs tangled in the thin throw and the heavy comforter from the bed. Ben’s hand brushed against a thin patch of exposed skin on Hikaru side. The touch was so light it seemed unintentional. “A paper copy of a book I received from my father for my fourteenth birthday. I think he thought I’d appreciate it because the author was an airplane pilot. In fact, he made the stars sound so enchanted I realized flying among them would never be good enough.”

“What was the book?”

“You’ll laugh - if you’ve even heard of it. It’s antiquated and fanciful.”

“I won’t laugh.”

“ _Wind, Sand, and Stars_ by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It’s his memoir about flying a mail airplane across the Sahara Desert in the early 20th century.” Hikaru. “He also wrote a book popular with Japanese children called _The Little Prince_ about a prince who lives on an asteroid.”

“I know _The Little Prince_.” Ben said. “My mother used to read it to me. But I’ve never heard of the other book. Would you...while we’re lying here read me a bit of it?” Ben rolled to his side and curled himself against Hikaru, resting his temple on Hikaru’s shoulder.

After reading the paper copy several times, _Wind, Sand, and Stars_ was a permanent file on Hikaru’s personal data storage so he could refer to it when he wanted on away missions or quiet Gamma shifts on the bridge of the _Carolina_. He unclipped the PADD from his waistband thumbed through his storage folders. The light from his PADD cast an odd artificial glow over both of them. It was a glow Hikaru had grown accustomed to after spending the last year on a starship, but tonight it felt odd and foreign. He cleared his throat and began reading. 

Three paragraphs in, he paused at “ _In those days we flew open ships and thrust our heads out round the windshield, in bad weather, to take our bearings: the wind that whistled in our ears was a long time clearing out of our heads._ ” 

“Open ships, can you imagine? And no ear protection. It’s wonder humankind ever made it to the 24th century.”

“Mmmm...” Ben murmured, content against Hikaru’s arm. Hikaru wrapped his free arm around Ben protectively before he continued. 

Once he completed the first few pages of the book, he closed the file and turned to rest his head against Ben’s. Soft warm breath permeated the cotton of his t-shirt and silky hair tickled at his cheek. The moment lying together with Ben felt like the first day he’d flown a shuttle. Exhilarating, yet peaceful. Fresh and new, yet familiar and comfortable.

“Tell me how you discovered botany.” Hikaru said eventually.

Ben angled his head slightly. “My parents have wanderlust. Always have. They can’t settle anywhere longer than about six months. They’ve even traveled to other Earth colonies. I was conceived on Lunar Colony One, but they returned to Earth before I was born. We traveled the globe until I began school. And even after we settled in San Francisco, we traveled during school breaks. Each place had new plant life to distinguish it from another place. I learned what grew in the desert had different structure from what grew in the plains and that had different structure from what grew in rain forests. _Umma_ \- my mother - and I collected leaves and flowers and occasionally small plants in pots from our travels. Once I grew older, they would leave me with Nira a few weeks at a time if they became too restless. Eventually they began traveling off planet again and send me samples of plants from other planets or moons.”

“Wait,” Hikaru interrupted, “you were conceived off planet, but you don’t want to leave Earth?”

“Ironic, isn’t it?” Ben said. “I did not inherit my parents’ wanderlust. Oh sure, I like to travel, but I don’t become restless like they do when I can’t.”

“Where are they now?” Hikaru asked.

“Last I heard from _Appa_ they were on Deneva Prime. That was eight weeks ago. Their colony relies on nearby Federation vessels for their data dumps, so I doubt they’ll be able to get non-essential messages through until Starfleet is able to have more ships back in service.” Ben said.

The morning sun cast thin streaks of light through the trees that lined the yard and onto Hikaru’s sleeping face. A fine layer of dew covered the comforter he was tangled in. He blinked and rolled toward Ben. 

“Did we spend the whole night in my yard?” Ben asked, slowly wakening.

“It would seem so.” Hikaru said, grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _In those days we flew open ships and thrust our heads out round the windshield, in bad weather, to take our bearings: the wind that whistled in our ears was a long time clearing out of our heads._ ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, _Wind, Sand and Stars_


	17. Chapter 17

The bedroom looked cheery with the morning light and the jars of plants hanging from the ceiling. Hikaru had aired out the comforter and was now making the bed while Ben baked scones and made tea downstairs. If Hikaru worked quietly he could hear Ben singing off key in the kitchen.

“ _I came to life when I first kissed you. The best me has his arms around you. You make me better than I was before._ ” Ben’s voice drifted up the steps.

It was not a song Hikaru recognized, but he liked the lyrics and smiled to himself. After the bed was made, he slipped into the bathroom to take a short shower before joining Ben. Scrubbing a towel through his hair fifteen minutes later, the PADD on the bathroom counter chimed with an incoming message. 

He got dressed in his Starfleet uniform he’d packed in his backpack before the Geskana game, but realized he had forgotten socks. They’d keep for now. 

“Oh hello, Mr. Starfleet Helmsman.” Ben snuggled into Hikaru’s chest for a moment, running his hands along Hikaru’s back. “I do love a man in uniform.”

“In that case, I really must show up here in my dress greys one day.” Hikaru said into Ben’s warm, bare neck. When Ben hummed in affirmation and his hand wandered into the waistband of Hikaru’s pants, Hikaru warned. “Behave. I’ve got a therapy session soon.”

Sighing dramatically, but with a teasing glint in his eye, Ben turned back to the strawberries he’d been slicing. Hikaru flipped through notices on his PADD and pulled up an official communication from Starfleet. “Huh.”

“Problem?” Ben asked.

“Not really. No, actually good news...I think.” Hikaru reread the message. “Communication from Starfleet. I’m to report for active duty on Monday.”

“You’ve been assigned a starship?” Ben asked.

“No. I’ll be flying shuttles of ready crews to Starbase One.” Hikaru said.

“Ready crews?”

“Mostly engineering and housekeeping crews assigned to prepare starships for assignment. Depending on how long a ship has been out of commission ready crews may work a week or more on a ship before the captain and senior officers arrive..” Hikaru explained. “They normally arrive two days before launch, then the remainder of the crew arrives the day before launch.”

“What does this mean for you being assigned to the _Enterprise_?” Ben began peeling an orange to add to a bowl of strawberries and blueberries.

“I don’t know. All I can hope for is the _Enterprise_ isn’t ready to launch yet.” Hikaru closed his PADD. “I suppose the other thing that may happen soon is graduation and promotion ceremony. Seems Starfleet would want to hold that before too many people leave Earth. Need any help?”

“You could set the porch table. The tea is almost ready. Would you pour?” Ben directed.

Hikaru reached around Ben for two plates and mugs in the small kitchen, brushing hips against hips and dropping a kiss on Ben’s shoulder as the moved around each other. Ben smiled softly, ducking his head in pleasure. “Butter for the scones?” Hikaru asked.

“Mmm...and there’s some strawberry balsamic jam in the refrigerator somewhere. In a small glass jar.”

Settled on the patio with their breakfast, the two men enjoyed the mid-morning sunshine with their legs and bare feet tangled together. A butterfly fluttered among tomato blossoms. Ben poked Hikaru’s ankle gently with his big toe. Hikaru stroked along Ben’s calf with his other foot. “Oh, hey...I just remembered,” Hikaru broke the silence, “could I borrow a pair of dark socks. I didn’t pack any.”

“Sure. You know what, you should bring over a couple changes of clothes next time you’re here so you don’t have to carry a change back and forth with you.” Ben said.

“Really?” Hikaru asked.

“You’re here a couple nights a week, and I think we’ve determined this thing between us has gone past a...what did you call it...a dalliance.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with this? I don’t want to intrude or...”

Ben cut him off. “Hikaru, I love you, but I’m not asking you to move in. I’m just giving you half a drawer so you don’t keep borrowing my socks.” At Hikaru’s chuckle, Ben’s face softened, but he continued seriously. “You’re always welcome here, but I need my space to be my space for a while too. And I’m pretty sure my therapist would agree.”

“You deserve all the space you need. A half a drawer is fantastic.” Hikaru said. “How often do you see your therapist?” The butterfly floated on the wind to a patch of something alien with bright green blossoms.

“I was down to every other week.” Ben paused thoughtfully. Hikaru had learned Ben often talked excitedly about the things he was passionate about without pause to gather his thoughts. But when it came to the things he carried more deeply, it was wise to allow Ben time between sentences to form the words he wanted to use. “More the last six weeks. More since...you.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.” Hikaru said.

“I wasn’t sure at first either. Six months after returning to Earth and only four from winning back my house from Seth, this quiet, unassuming, passionate man comes into my life and the first thing I do is feed him and take him to bed. How could that possibly be healthy for me?” Ben confessed.

“What did your therapist say?” 

“He thought the trip to Napa was a bad idea.”

Hikaru chuckled. “So did Dr. Savel.”

Ben nodded. “Perhaps we were rash, but I’ll treasure that trip.”

Hikaru reached across the small table and stroked Ben’s cheek. “Me to, Ben. Always.” The alarm on Hikaru’s PADD sounded. He stood and turned it off. “I’m sorry. Speaking of therapists, that’s my event reminder I have an appointment with Dr. Savel in twenty minutes. I’ve got a full day. Pavel, my dad, and I are running starship simulation to Delta Vega later today. Pavel will probably end up sleeping on my couch tonight. But I’ve got the weekend completely free. Could we spend it together?”

“I’d love that.” Ben smiled brightly.

Hikaru wrapped a hand around the nape of Ben’s neck and leaned down to draw him into a deep kiss. The fringe on the back of Ben’s head tickled along Hikaru’s fingers and he gripped it lightly. “Mmmm...” He hummed into Ben’s mouth.

Ben pulled away and laughed. “Hold that thought until tomorrow. Therapy, remember?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I came to life when I first kissed you/The best me has his arms around you/You make me better than I was before._ ~ _Yours_ by Russell Dickerson


	18. Chapter 18

Hikaru’s head spun with multiple events the last few days since his last appointment. As he focused on the jar of feathers on the mantle to gather his thoughts, he realized he was grateful they’d agreed on a double session for follow up after his flight to Alaska. Dr. Savel waited quietly, jotting preliminary session notes on the PADD that read in block letters across the top Sulu, Hikaru Lieutenant - 6102-22-70. She glanced at him. “Why don’t you tell me about the shuttle flight?”

A brief image of he and Pavel soaring down the rock face of the Grand Canyon, the freedom and peace and rightness of it all. Behind that he saw Ben sitting back against Hikaru’s chest gripping the yolk tightly while Hikaru coaxed him to relax. He wondered if Dr. Savel had been informed of his flight with Pavel. “Which one?”

“Which one would you like to begin with? I understand you took a dangerous and risky unscheduled flight through the Grand Canyon with Ensign Chekov. Would you like to tell me about it?” Ahhh, so she had been notified.

A sudden anger welled up inside Hikaru. He’d been on shore leave from the _Carolina_ two days when Starfleet called him up on what turned out to be a suicide mission for a large percentage of the fleet and its crew. He’d made a space dive onto a drilling platform, fought two Romulans, fallen off said drilling platform and was saved by a man he didn’t trust and a boy he barely knew. He watched a planet destroyed - the very planet he attempted to save - pulled Starfleet’s flagship out of not one, but two black holes in as many days. And now, rather than thanking him for his service, six weeks later he was grounded on medical leave, his future was uncertain, and every move he made was being recorded by either the admiralty or his therapist.

“No. No, I don’t. I’ve already been reprimanded for the event. Why should I hash it out again? I dove off a cliff face in a maneuver I’d done thousands of times, taught to me by one of the best helmsmen and instructors in Starfleet history. My navigator consented willingly. We ran the calculations twice before entering anything into the computer. It was consensual, thought-out, and controlled. And if Starfleet doesn’t like it they can shove their precious Enterprise right back into one of the two black holes I saved it from six weeks ago.” Hikaru was on his feet and panting. Tears stung in his eyes and his throat felt dry. He reached for his backpack and a bottle of water.

“Do you know that’s the first time you’ve expressed any anger at all in our sessions?

“Why should I be angry?” Hikaru paced the short length of the wool throw rug on the office floor. “What do I possibly have to be angry about?”

“Indeed. What do you have to be angry about?” Her voice was calm and neutral, almost infuriatingly so.

Six weeks of bottled raw anger came pouring out of Hikaru. Emotion he didn’t even realize he’d been carrying inside him. His voice grew ragged and hoarse from expressing his rage. Friends, classmates, colleagues lost to senselessness or grieving in ways he couldn’t imagine. The fleet torn apart. Futures uncertain. His future uncertain. He felt melodramatic, even as his fury continued.

The sigh Hikaru emitted seemed to reverberate even through the cozy room. He slumped to the overstuffed ottoman nearest him. Dr. Savel remained silent while Hikaru sipped several mouthfuls of water and gasped in heavy, dry sobs. Once he quieted, she cleared her throat gently. “Ah, and now we’re getting somewhere.” Dr. Savel gave a small smile. “We have a few more minutes remaining. Anything else you’d like to cover while you’re here?”

“That’s it? I yell at you for an hour and you smile and change the subject?” Hikaru glared at her.

“Yes, that’s it. Hikaru, you’ve spent the last six weeks stuck in one stage of grief - denial and isolation. Oh, sure, occasionally you dip your toes into depression or guilt or bargaining.” Dr. Savel held up her hand when Hikaru began to protest. “You’ve become stagnant the process of grief. Make time to be angry. Allow yourself to feel guilty. You’re permitted. So long as you don’t dwell on it, those emotions are healthy and necessary.”

“I...I didn’t fly off the Grand Canyon because I wanted to die, you know. I did it because I wanted to feel alive.” Hikaru said after a long pause.

“And did you feel alive?” Dr. Savel asked in her even voice.

“Yes. God, yes. Nothing else has made me feel more so alive...except...”

When Hikaru didn’t finish his thought, Dr. Savel prompted him. “Except?”

“Ben. I, yesterday...I told him I love him. It slipped out; I couldn’t contain it any longer.” Hikaru closed his eyes at the thought of Ben’s silky jet black hair on his face. The weight of Ben’s body against his. The tangle of limbs. The smell of earth and garlic and chilis when Ben leaned close.

“And do you?”

He sent her a look of disdain. “I would have never said it if I didn’t mean it.”

“I understand you’ve been called for active duty on Monday.” Dr. Savel pulled up an appointment calendar on the PADD with his name lettered across the top. “Be gentle with yourself this weekend. You’ve exposed nerves you’ve been trying desperately to protect.”

*****

“Hikaru, Vice-Admiral Sulu and I were talking about active duty Monday. Did you receive orders?” Chekov greeted Sulu on the path outside the medical center. “Shuttle flights to Starbase One.”

“Vice-Admiral.” Hikaru saluted. After his therapy session, he would have liked to have greeted his father, but they were in uniform and on Academy grounds. The first year at the Academy it felt odd to salute his parents on campus or in classes. However one afternoon he was ordered to Vice-Admiral Yoshiko Sulu’s office, where he was admonished for failing to salute, not his mother, but a Vice-Admiral of Starfleet.

_“On this campus, in these uniforms, Cadet Sulu, I am an officer. You will treat me and Vice-Admiral Hosato Sulu as such. Is that clear?”_ He recalled his mother saying to him that day.

“As you were, Mr. Sulu.” Hosato smiled lightly.

The three fell into step together and Hikaru turned to Chekov. “Yes, same orders. I wonder if this means graduation and accommodation ceremonies will be held soon.”

Hosato suddenly veered off the sidewalk and apologized to an officer in command gold he nearly bumped into. The officer saluted and at the wave brief wave of Hosato’s hand, she responded, “No harm done, Vice-Admiral. I was absorbed in my own thoughts. Ah, Mr. Sulu! I’m so pleased to see you!”

“Captain Peterson!” He exclaimed. “You know Vice-Admiral Sulu, and this is my friend, Ensign Pavel Chekov. Mr. Chekov, meet the captain of the _USS Carolina_. I served under her for a year.”

“And would still, but I’m sure you’ll be happy aboard the _Enterprise_.” Peterson said. 

“Thank you, Captain, but my future aboard the _Enterprise_ is uncertain. Captain Pike...” Hikaru paused, unsure if Pike’s confession to him earlier in the week was common knowledge. “Pike hasn’t confirmed crew assignments yet. My current assignment is shuttle pilot to Starbase One.”

“A waste of your talents, Sulu.” Peterson said. “Actually I’m glad to see you. Your quarters haven’t been needed so none of your belongings have been packed to ship to you yet. I’m flying back to the _Carolina_ now. Would you care to join me? You could close out your quarters yourself?”

“Excellent idea, Captain Peterson!” Vice-Admiral Sulu exclaimed before Hikaru could speak. “Mr. Sulu hasn’t left the atmosphere in six weeks. Perhaps Mr. Chekov could join you as well?”

“We have a reservation in the sim room, Vice-Admiral.” Hikaru reminded his father. 

“Nonsense. An off planet practice flight would be much more useful.” Hosato said. 

Hikaru had to agree, but he feared he might have a panic attack in front of a colleague and his former captain. Then again, he’d take that risk in two days in front of a shuttle full of engineers while he was at the helm. “Very well, sir. If Captain Peterson is agreeable.”

“Absolutely.”

“I’ll catch up with you two later this evening.” Sulu understood Hosato meant he’d see them at home, and as Sulu and Chekov walked away with Peterson, Hosato made his way to a transporter.

Hikaru and Pavel settled in seats in the small shuttle and strapped in while Peterson tapped in coordinates for her navigator, an ensign Chekov knew from his internship. They greeted each other and chatted with Pavel leaning forward in his seat as the shuttle rose into the air. Hikaru gripped the edge of his seat at the thought of leaving the planet, but maintained a steady breathing pattern.

The ensign and Pavel were talking transporter technology and interstellar calculations. “We’ve begun gathering preliminary data from the black hole created by the red matter implosion at Vulcan.” Peterson said over her shoulder. Hikaru noticed Pavel stiffen beside him, and he placed a steadying hand on Pavel’s arm. 

“I’d love to see the data. Any way you could give me security clearance to the files?” He asked.

“Never thought you’d ask.” Peterson grinned. “We’re leaving the atmosphere.”

The shuttle docked smoothly an hour later. The ensign offered to take Chekov on a tour of new stellar cartography department on the _Carolina_. Meanwhile Peterson escorted Sulu to his former quarters. The keypad beeped when the familiar code was entered at his door. “I’ll have someone bring you a packing crate.”

The door whooshed closed behind him. The air in the room was stale and stuffy. To conserve energy, Hikaru knew it had not been recycled in the empty quarters. His room stood the odd room at the end of a corridor, added almost as an afterthought. It was smaller than the rest of the rooms on the junior officer level, but he’d chosen it because he had a bathroom to himself. “Computer, lights 80 percent. Recycle air.”

The first item Hikaru spotted was his paper copy of _Wind, Sand and Stars_ resting in it’s usual place on the small desk in a corner of the room. He picked it up and ran his hands over the smooth leather cover. There was a PADD with calculations and observations from a star cluster they’d passed several weeks ago. A lifetime ago, he thought. The work was personal, but he uploaded the files to the _Carolina’s_ science database, nonetheless. On a shelf behind the desk stood a few holo-images in frames. One of his parents, Aiko, and himself at his graduation. Another of his grandfather. A third of Kyle taken before they began dating. He should have put the image away after they ended their relationship, but in the isolation of space, it warmed him to see the faces of people he had history with. A fencing trophy stood alone on the second shelf. Over one of a pair of comfortable stuffed chairs near the desk, lay a deep blue throw made of soft cashmere - a gift from Yun when he entered the Academy. Gathering these items in a neat pile in the center of his desk, Hikaru moved to the sleeping area of his quarters.

A small model of a Federation starship from his childhood sat on his night table. In the drawer was a collection of odds and ends - an outdated hypospray decongestant prescribed during a bad cold six months ago, another PADD with an unfinished report, a fencing glove, a pack of shoelaces for his Starfleet issued boots, a partial container of lube, his spare pair of reading glasses, and a belt Hikaru had convinced himself he’d lost. 

The door chimed. “Come in.” Hikaru called. 

“Captain Peterson asked to bring a packing crate to this room.” A yeoman announced. “Mr. Sulu! I didn’t know you were on board! It’s good to have you back.” The young man smiled.

“Only for the afternoon, Mr. Itzel. I’m here to pack up my quarters.” Sulu said.

“I’m sorry to hear that. You’ll be missed, but I’m sure you’ll be a valuable part of the _Enterprise_ crew, sir.” Mr. Itzel said.

Hikaru hesitated a moment before simply thanking the yeoman and dismissing him.

The hypospray and lube went into the refresher to be recycled. He paused as he dropped in the lube. It had been replicated shortly after breaking up with Kyle in the hopes of encouraging a relationship with a pretty Napean male who specialized in geotechnical engineering. Two dates, one during a twenty-four hour shore leave on Risa and the other aboard ship, were enough for them to mutually decide they were not meant for each other. Just as well, Hikaru thought.

He uploaded the unfinished report to the ship’s main files and stacked the PADD with the other. Everything else was piled with the items on the desk. Moving to the closet, he exclaimed “Ah-ha!” Hanging neatly in the corner was his dress uniform with the hat on the shelf over it. It was laid carefully on the bed. The standard uniforms with their gold shirts and black pants were folded and placed in the bottom of the packing crate followed by the few sets of civilian clothes he owned. Starfleet issued pajamas, silver grey boxer shorts, black undershirts, and black socks followed. Hikaru discovered a battered pair of boots in the back of the closet and recalled the away mission in which he slid partway down a steep incline. He’d broken his ankle in the fall and had spent two days in the med bay with an osteogenic stimulator strapped around his leg. The boots went into the refresher as well, and Hikaru wondered why he hadn’t done so before now.

In the bathroom, he scooped all the personal hygiene products he hadn’t taken with him on shore leave into his arms and added them to the refresher as well. Returning to the desk, Hikaru placed the pile on the desk and his uniform hat in the top of the packing crate. He closed the lid, keyed in his identification number on the seal, and made one final sweep of the room. It surprised him to discover his entire life could be packed away in one crate.

His personal PADD alerted him to an incoming message. He flipped it open to read a note from Ben. “ _I know you’re probably flying right now. I’m at the botanical gardens. Remember the Folnar Jewel Plant? It’s especially beautiful today. No need to respond. Mostly thinking about you. I love you._ ” Attached was an image of the Folnar Jewel Plant under a warm sun. The leaves of it had filled out beautifully since he last saw it several weeks ago, and Hikaru smiled broadly at the memory of his first introduction to the tree.

Hikaru looked out the the window. When he moved into this room, he’d rearranged the furnishings so he could lie in bed and see out the lone window at the space beyond. Today he could see Earth in the distance past the docking equipment of the starbase. He snapped an image of the view out the window and tapped out a response to Ben. “ _We had a change of plans. Greetings from my former quarters aboard the USS Carolina. Earth is especially beautiful today too. Of course it would have to be. You’re there. I love you too. See you tomorrow._ ” 

Hikaru then accessed the communications panel on the wall. “Mr. Itzel, please arrange to transport one packing crate from this location to _Carolina_ shuttle D. Also, locate Ensign Pavel Chekov and inform him I’m ready to depart. I’ll meet him in shuttle bay 1 when he’s ready.”

“Aye, sir.”

As he walked through the corridor with his dress uniform over his arm, Hikaru wondered if there were any crew members he should say his farewells to. Occasionally someone would stop him and wish him well aboard the Enterprise, but he realized he’d never bothered getting close enough to anyone on the _Carolina_ to care about correcting them.

“Mr. Sulu? I thought you’d taken an assignment on the _Enterprise_. What are you doing aboard?” The Napean he’d attempted to date approached him.

“Just cleaning out my quarters, Mr. Kwan. I’m flying back to Earth now.” Sulu said.

“Well, I...I’m glad I got a chance to say good-bye.” Kwan said. He fell in step beside Sulu. “I’m sorry we...you know, didn’t work out, but it’s been a pleasure working with you.”

“You too, Kwan.” Hikaru gave him a small smile.

Aboard the shuttle, Chekov acted as navigator while his friend took the helm. Hikaru stared out the window of the shuttle at the starbase fading in the distance, the _Carolina_ at one dock and the _Enterprise_ at the one beside.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been 10 months. I'm sorry. I'm trying to get back on track.

“Pavel, do you miss your crewmates on the _Apollo_?” Hikaru asked. They’d had supper and played an aggressive game of trivia with Hosato and Yoshiko. Pavel practically vibrated with the news of getting into space again, even for a few hours. He spent much of the evening telling Yoshiko about the new stellar cartography department on the _Carolina_ he’d gotten a tour of, suggesting perhaps he would be permitted to create one on the _Enterprise_ once he was cleared for service again.

Now Pavel lay on the couch and Hikaru was on his bed. It was dark in his guest house. The chronometer beside the bed read 2330. “Is difficult for me to make friends in Starfleet, but I had many friends on _Apollo_. Once zey got to know me, zey did not treat me like kid. Like you, Hikaru. You do not treat me like kid.” Pavel said into the darkness.

Hikaru struggled to know what to say what he understood to be a great compliment. He realized Pavel was the closest he’d had to a good friend, perhaps a best friend, since his relationship with Kyle ended. How could he spend an entire year on a starship with 300 people and not grow close enough to any of them to care he was leaving them behind? Yet, he had such a sudden surge of affection for Pavel, he knew he would mourn him just as much as he’d mourn Ben when they were assigned to separate posts.

“I...It seems difficult for me to make friends too, Pavel. There was no one on the _Carolina_ I felt I needed to say goodbye to. Each person I saw seemed glad to see me, but I found I didn’t even care enough to correct them when they wished me well aboard the _Enterprise_.” Hikaru confessed.

“Why would you not be on _Enterprise_? Iz your wessel now.” He could hear Pavel shifting on the couch.

“I don’t think so. Pike may not return as captain if he doesn’t recover. A new captain might not want the same crew, especially me. McKenna was supposed to get the _Enterprise_.”

“Zat is ridiculous. Of course you will be assigned _Enterprise_.” Pavel’s optimism, hell everyone’s optimism, that it only seemed natural Hikaru would get the _Enterprise_ infuriated him.

He opened his mouth to lash out at Pavel. Expressing his anger was good, right? Hadn’t Dr. Savel indicated as much earlier today? Perhaps, but Pavel was innocent. It wasn’t his fault Nero had tortured Pike. Or Romulans attacked Kirk and himself on the drilling platform. Or the _Enterprise_ had nearly been pulled into a black hole. In fact Pavel had fought just as hard as Hikaru to save the ship. And had saved his life.

Instead he said “I told Ben I loved him.”

“Hikaru!” Pavel said. “And did he tell you back?”

“Hai. He did.” Hikaru’s anger dissipated. “Maybe I should request a transfer. I could teach at the Academy. You know, astrophysics like my mother. Or head a research lab. Ben and I would have time together, and I wouldn’t have to take an assignment on a garbage scow somewhere.” 

“You will be happy on Earth? You will be happy not flying?” Pavel asked. “You worked so hard in last four weeks to be cleared to fly. Nearly eweryday. What does Ben say?”

“I haven’t talked to him about it, not really.” Hikaru said.

“If he loves you, he will not want you to stay on Earth. You belong in stars.”

“Perhaps you’re right. It’s late. Let’s get some sleep.”

“ _Sladkikh snov_. Sweet dreams, Hikaru.” Pavel yawned.

*****

“Beam us up! _Enterprise_ , beam us up!” Kirk screamed so loudly Sulu thought he’d go deaf in that ear. “Beam us up!”

“I can do zat! I can do zat!” Chekov shouted in the communication device. “Almost! Almost! 

Hikaru jerked awake. The hair on his neck and forehead stuck to him with sweat. The chrono read 0315. He flung off the covers and made his way as quietly as possible to the sink for a glass of water. Once there, his hand bumped against the remains of a bottle of whiskey. Instead, he uncapped the bottle and downed the last two shots, not bothering with a glass. Before he could turn to put the bottle in the refresher he heard screaming from the couch.

“No, no. I’m losing him! I’m losing him!”

“Pavel, Pavel.” Hikaru leaned over Chekov and stroking his arm. “It’s a dream. It’s okay.”

“He is gone. Oh, Sulu. I lost you!” Pavel cried out, still half asleep.

“Come on. Wake up. You didn’t lose me. I’m right here.” Hikaru settled on the edge of the couch and shook Pavel gently. “I’m right here.”

Pavel sat up and buried his damp face in Hikaru’s shoulder. “Oh, Hikaru. You and Kirk were falling, and I couldn’t save you. Calculations weren’t correct. I lost you!”

“It’s okay. Shhh...it’s okay.” Hikaru stroked Pavel’s sweat soaked curls. He must have shouted in his sleep and triggered Pavel’s dream. “I had the same dream, but you saved me. Just like you did on the ship. You saved me. I’m alive. Kirk’s alive. Everyone is okay.”

Pavel snuffled against his shoulder. “I love you, Hikaru, like brother.” His accent was thick in his sleep-heavy grief. Hikaru knew in that moment no matter where he was assigned, he’d request Pavel join him. Pavel didn’t have to accept, but if he had to leave Ben behind, he wanted Pavel with him. Ben and Pavel were the two people outside his family he’d ever felt closest to. And he had a duty to protect them both.

Hikaru woke four hours later slumped sideways in the stuffed chair beside his couch. Pavel slept with his arm draped over the edge of the couch and his fingers brushing the floor. His hair was plastered to his head with dried sweat. Hikaru stretched and got up to take a shower, leaving Pavel to sleep as long as he needed. The hot water rolled over his hair and back, loosening stiff muscles from sleeping upright on the chair. When he returned to the living area in a pair of boxer briefs, Pavel was still asleep.

Grabbing a bag from the closet, Hikaru packed a few changes of clothes, a uniform, his toiletries, and the telescope he’d had since he was a boy. It wasn’t the most high powered telescope he owned, but he knew viewing Starbase One with it would be possible. He sent Pavel a message to his PADD and pulled on a pair of shorts and a tshirt. After he was dressed, Hikaru made his way to the main house where his mother was drinking a cup of coffee and reading the _San Francisco Chronicle_.

“Ah, good morning, Hikaru. Sleep well?” Yoshiko asked.

Hikaru shook his head. “We both had nightmares. In fact Pavel is still asleep. Let him stay as long as he wants?”

“Hai, of course. Would you like some breakfast?” She asked.

“Just a cup of tea.” At his mother’s frown, he reconsidered. “You know what I’d love. One of those chocolate croissants you served us when we were kids and had a rough night. Do you think the replicator still has those programmed?”

Yoshiko grinned. “Oh, I know it does. They are my guilty pleasure.” She walked to the replicator and ordered “Two chocolate croissants, warmed. One cup of coffee, hot with cream.”

“You’ve been holding out on Aiko and me?” Hikaru said, accepting a plate with a croissant from his mother. 

She smiled. “Don’t tell Aiko. He can’t get enough of these. When he comes home next month if he knew, I’d be replacing the croissant cells every week.”

“Our secret.” The croissant was perfectly warmed and soft and full of rich chocolate cream, just the way he remembered. “ _Okaasan_ , who would I need to speak to about requesting a transfer to a Starfleet research lab? The _Carolina_ has collected preliminary data on the black hole created by the implosion of Vulcan. Captain Peterson has agreed to give me clearance to review the data. I’d like to see if I could take the lead on that research.”

Yoshiko set her fork down carefully. “Why would you want to give up a starship? Is it Ben? Is it Pavel? Are one of them asking you to stay on planet?”

“No, I’m being realistic. Starfleet is down nine starships. Even if the _Mayflower_ can be salvaged, it’ll likely be a full year before she’s operational again. The _Enterprise_ was a temporary emergency assignment, and with Pike still on medical leave, a new captain may not ask me to join the crew. I can’t spend my time running routine shuttle flights to Starbase One or Lunar colonies. If I’m going to be assigned to Earth, I’d much rather spend it in a lab or in the classroom.” Hikaru said.

“Now you listen to me, Hiki. No captain in his right mind would pass you over for an assignment on a starship. You’re one of the brightest pilots and and astrophysicists of your time. Even if you’re not chosen as a helmsman, there are plenty of opportunities for you aboard a science vessel.” Yoshiko said. “And before you say it, no, I am not just saying that because I’m your mother. When it comes to your skills when have I ever been biased?”

She was right. Hikaru knew it. If anything Vice-Admiral Yoshiko Sulu was harder in classes on Hikaru than her other students. He sighed and changed the subject. “Say, do you have the recipe for those Korean fusion tacos we used to make together? The ones with the ground pork? Ben is always cooking for me. I thought I’d try my hand at making something for him, and I recall they were fairly simple.”

“Hai. It’s in the family database. Shall I send it to your personal database?” Yoshiko picked up her PADD. “The fresh cabbage slaw is good on them, but if Ben likes the heat of kimchi, that’s a good way to go, too.”

“ _Domo arigatou_.”

“Are you spending the day with him?”

“Weekend, actually, before I report for duty Monday. I won’t be here for supper until Monday evening.” Hikaru said between bites of croissant.

“Is he still ‘just a friend’?” Yoshiko asked mildly.

Hikaru shook his head. “We tried to keep our relationship casual, but...” He shrugged.


	20. Chapter 20

Hikaru set off to Ben’s a half hour later, stopping at a small market near Nira’s along the way to purchase ingredients for lunch.

“Ground pork, bao buns, gochujang...” he was muttering under his breath when a woman touched his arm.

“Ah, Hikaru, it is you!” Nira exclaimed, obviously pleased to see him.

“Nira. So good to see you.” Hikaru said. “Maybe you can help. I want to make lunch for Ben, but I can’t decide on the kimchi.” He held up two jars. “Which one?”

“No, no. Put those back. That is not kimchi. Come to the restaurant. I’ll give you real kimchi.” She turned up her nose at the jars in his hand and poked through the remainder of his basket. “No, this hosin is replicated. Use this one. Ah, good bao buns, cabbage, fresh ginger - you know to fine mince instead of grate the ginger?” 

Hikaru nodded. “Ben has been teaching me.”

Nira studied Hikaru’s face for a moment before resuming her inspection of his basket. “He will have gochujang; put it back. Yes, yes, all the rest is good. Let’s pay, then come with me.”

They paid for their purchases, and Nira led him down the street to the restaurant. “When will you go back to the stars, Hikaru?”

“Actually I report for active duty on Monday flying shuttles to Starbase One.” He said.

“Ah, it’ll be good to be busy again, yes?”

“Hai, but...”

“But it is not what you want. And you’ll miss my Ben.”

“Hai.”

“You are good for him, Hikaru, and he seems good for you. Your eyes are not as haunted as they were when you and I first met; neither are his. You will discover what you both need.” She patted him on the arm. “Now, here. Take this to Ben.” She handed him a jar of homemade kimchi.

“Ben did say the first night we met you had the best kimchi in the city.” Hikaru smiled and brushed a kiss across the older woman’s cheek. “Thank you, Nira - for everything.”

“I will see you for dinner soon?” She asked by way of a farewell.

“Hai, Nira. I’ll make sure Ben and I stop in soon.”

At the gate, Hikaru keyed in Ben’s code on the keypad and walked through the magical alley of Antares Lunar Flowers. It was too early to ask them to bloom, but he said good morning to them nonetheless. Inside the house, he put the groceries in the refrigerator, surprised Ben wasn’t in the garden or kitchen. So he wandered upstairs with his overnight bag and discovered Ben stretched out the bed. He wore only a pair of boxers and lay on his stomach with all the windows in the bedroom open. A damp towel lay nearby.

Hikaru smiled at the sight. “What are you doing still in bed? I thought you were the early bird.”

Ben hummed at a breeze blowing through the window and turned his head to face Hikaru. “I’ve been up since 0600. Weeded the garden, harvested what was ripe - there are blackberries for later - ate breakfast, ran through an old Taekwondo routine, and had a shower. Take off your shirt and join me. The breeze feels glorious.”

“Okay, but consider this your fair warning,” Hikaru said as he stripped off his shirt, “I want to do more than kiss you senseless.”

Another breeze rustled the curtains and moved the jars of plants hanging from the ceiling, causing the small shimmers of light across the room to dance on the walls. Ben shivered at Hikaru’s words. “I would hope so. You’ve kept me waiting half the week.”

Sliding onto the bed beside him, Hikaru teased “I kept you waiting? Is that so?” He nuzzled against Ben’s nose and trailed his fingers along Ben’s ears, neck, and the edges of his still damp hair.

“Your eyes shine so brightly when you’re amused and flirting and happy.” Ben stroked a finger over Hikaru’s cheek.

“And you are beautiful lying here naked savoring the feel of the breeze across your skin.” Hikaru breathed against Ben’s lips, not fully touching them. They lay there side by side softly caressing each other, whispering honeyed words, and letting the fresh air from the windows envelope their bare skin. Hikaru rolled over to expose his stomach and Ben draped an arm over his chest. His thumb rubbed a spot almost too close to a nipple to be chaste.

“So...the Carolina, huh? How’d you end up there yesterday?” Ben asked.

“We bumped into Captain Peterson on campus.” Hikaru said. “She mentioned my quarters hadn’t been packed up yet. My dad felt a short trip off planet would be more beneficial than another sim flight. Pavel and I spent the afternoon on the Carolina. He met a friend who gave him a tour of the ship while I packed my quarters.”

“Did you meet up with any friends too?”

“Not really. I did see the man I was interested in after Kyle.” Hikaru confessed. “He wished me well, but I wasn’t close to anyone on the Carolina.”

“Oh? There was someone between Kyle and me?” Ben asked. “Now my curiosity is piqued.”

“No. Kwan wasn’t ‘someone.’ He was two dates and a kiss. He never even saw the inside of my quarters. Frankly, he was deathly dull, and I was glad when he said he didn’t think we’d work.” Hikaru said. “Was there anyone after Seth?”

Ben shook his head. “No one after, no. I was with a woman for a year at Berkeley, though.”

“What happened?”

“She was lovely, but we just weren’t right for each other.” Ben shrugged. Hikaru untangled himself from Ben’s embrace and stood up. “Where are you going?”

“Nowhere.” Hikaru bit his lower lip as he looked down at Ben lounged across the bed. He stripped off his shorts and boxer briefs before running his hands from Ben’s ankles up and over the hem of his boxers to the waistband. He tugged and Ben angled his hips so Hikaru could pull his boxers off. Hikaru ran his hands from ankle to shoulder this time, lowering his body onto Ben’s as he did. “I want to be right for you. I want us to be right for each other.”

“Hikaru...” Ben exhaled. His voice was so soft it was like a feather floating on the wind. 

The sound went straight down Hikaru’s spine. “Say it again. Say my name again.” He said against Ben’s neck, and rolled his hips into Ben’s backside.

“Hikaru...” Ben sighed again. Hikaru rolled his hips again. “Hikaru...” Another breath, another roll of the hips. “Hikaru...” When Ben’s sighs turned to gasps, Hikaru rolled them so Ben was on his back. Hikaru once again lay on top. “You’re going to undo me.” Ben moaned.

“That’s the plan.” Hikaru smothered his mouth with a deep kiss savoring in the feel of Ben’s lips chapped from the sun and warm slick tongue. Ben tasted of tea and blackberries and vanilla. His skin felt fresh and soft and warm under Hikaru’s chest. Hikaru snaked a hand through Ben’s hair, pulling back slightly just to hear him gasp against Hikaru’s mouth, before working his way down Ben’s body, kissing and nuzzling on the way. He spent extra time worshiping Ben’s stomach where the abdominal muscles jumped and twitched at the attention. 

“I need...” Ben moaned.

“I know. I know.” Hikaru responded, and when Hikaru took Ben into his mouth Ben dug fingernails into Hikaru’s shoulder hard enough to leave marks that would last for days.

“You’re ready for another shower.” Hikaru said some time later. 

“I'll clean up with a washcloth.” Ben replied with a smirk. Hikaru turned his head and kissed Ben at the thought of him wearing Hikaru's remains the rest of the day. His stomach growled, interrupting the moment. “Did you have breakfast?”

“My mother replicated a croissant and a cup of tea for me while we chatted earlier.”

Ben wrinkled his nose. “That is not breakfast. Let me fix you an early lunch.” He moved to get up, but Hikaru placed a gentle, determined hand on Ben’s sternum. 

“No...I brought food to make you lunch. Nothing is replicated. You stay here. Let me cook. Please?” Hikaru suddenly felt self-conscious about his endeavor.

“You want to cook for me?” Ben asked.

“Well, yeah. It’s nothing fancy. Just something my mother and I made together when we were all at home.”

“I’d love that, Hikaru.”

The ingredients for the pork tacos lay on the counter in front of Hikaru. He furrowed his brow as he skimmed the recipe on his PADD. The recipe seemed straightforward enough, but he realized as he read it through, Yoshiko did most of the cooking while Hikaru helped with the prep. He wasn’t sure where to begin, so he carefully sliced the cabbage into thin strips for fresh coleslaw, cut the green onions, and minced the garlic and ginger.

“Your knife skills are improving. Need any help?” Ben asked as Hikaru was seasoning the coleslaw with the green onion tops, some sesame oil, and salt. His confidence was growing as he worked.

“No. I...I think I’ve got it now. Thanks.” Hikaru smiled at Ben, who had wandered into the kitchen in a pair of shorts and nothing else. “Actually. Should I brown the ground pork in olive oil or is it fatty enough to brown on it’s own?”

“Let’s see what you brought.” Ben reached around Hikaru to pick up the package of pork, pointedly brushing his arm across Hikaru’s side and arm and leaning in close. Hikaru pressed into him. “Wait. What’s this?” Ben picked up a jar with no label.

“Kimchi. Nira gave it to me. She and I were at the market together, and she said none of the stuff at the market was ‘real kimchi.’ So she invited me back to the restaurant and gave me a jar of hers.” Hikaru explained.

“Nira gave you a jar of her kimchi?” Ben asked.

“Is there something wrong?” Hikaru asked, biting his lip.

Ben shook his head slowly. “No, actually. Nira gives few people her kimchi.”

“But she knew I was buying food to make you lunch.” Hikaru shrugged. “The intent was to send it to you.”

“Hikaru,” Ben said seriously, “Nira wouldn’t have given you the kimchi if she didn’t think highly of you, no matter who you were preparing a meal for.”

He took the jar of kimchi from Ben and handed him the pork. The weight of Ben’s words and the meaning behind the gift were taken to heart. “What about the pork?” Hikaru asked.

Ben studied the package. “This is lean enough, you should use a couple teaspoons of oil, yes. Sure you don’t need anything else? I could be your sous chef. You could order me around in the kitchen for once.”

“Ha! I can manage myself without burning your house down. I think it’s still pleasant enough to sit on the patio. Why don’t you set the table and pour drinks. Did I see some citrus infused water in the fridge?” Hikaru said.

The pork sizzled in the pan as Hikaru steamed the buns and set up an assembly line of slaw, kimchi, and dressing. After adding in the green onions, ginger, gochujang, and hosin to the meat, Hikaru gave it a quick stir to let the aromatics cook down. He dished servings on the plates Ben retrieved for him.

When Hikaru set the dishes in front of Ben, he murmured haltingly in Japanese “Itadakimasu,” and continued with a more confident Korean phrase, “Jalmukesumneda. I will eat well.”

“We’ll see about that.” Hikaru blushed as he sat at the table. But Ben took one bite and deemed it delicious. “What should we do with the rest of our day?”

“I need a couple hours to write, actually. I’ve got a deadline for the Federation Journal of Botany. I tried to complete the article yesterday, but couldn’t get my brain around it.” Ben said.

“Captain Peterson sent me some data on the Vulcan black hole I haven’t made opportunity to look over yet. I could read that while you write.” Hikaru replied taking a bite of his food. “How is it with the kimchi?”

After lunch was eaten and dishes washed, Ben adjusted the coffee table to working height and found a larger PADD for Hikaru to read data easier. Ben sat on the couch with his portable display field and keyboard. Hikaru made himself comfortable by reclining with his feet in Ben’s lap. Two cups of tea and two dishes of chocolate chiffon cakes with blackberries and whipped cream sat on the coffee table. Occasionally one of the men would reach for a bite of cake or a sip of tea. Ben muttered to himself occasionally. Hikaru made small noises of interest. From time to time Ben would caress one of Hikaru’s feet, or Hikaru would stroke the edge of Ben’s thigh with a toe.

Ben tapped Hikaru’s foot. “I need something from my desk.” He bounded upstairs and returned a few minutes later with a paper book and a handful of sample bags with various leaves, dirt, and dried flowers. He shifted on the couch again gathering his thoughts, stood up, paced the floor, and finally returned to the couch.

“Am I disturbing you? I could go upstairs to read.” Hikaru asked.

“No. It’s fine. I’m trying to decide how to phrase something.” Ben smiled and patted Hikaru’s calf. “Actually it’s lovely. You can put your feet back up if you want.”

Hikaru finished reading over the preliminary data Captain Peterson had sent him and made a few notes to remind himself of some key points later. He reached for his tea to discover what little was left was cold. “More tea?” He asked, standing. Ben responded with an affirmative hum, so Hikaru made his way into the kitchen. 

He filled the kettle and set it on the electric stand to boil. He then measured out the tea carefully into the pot Ben had told Hikaru was a gift from his mother several years ago. When the kettle whistled, he took great delight in pouring the steaming water over the leaves and herbs. While the tea steeped, Hikaru rinsed the cups. With everything arranged on a tray, he carried it back into the living room and poured for Ben. “Oh, citrus. Nice!”

“It seemed to go with the heat of the afternoon.” Hikaru smiled at him.

“I’m almost done here. Give me another half hour to post and then maybe we could go down to Fisherman’s Wharf. There’s a small carnival down there this weekend.” Ben said. “Old fashioned as it is, I love the Tilt-a-Whirl.”

“The Tilt-a-Whirl, huh? That sounds like fun.” Hikaru smiled.


End file.
